People love drinking but no one loves waking up next to a monstrosity. When enjoyed irresponsibly drinking loosens morals and creates legendary stories. When enjoyed completely irresponsibly waking up in a a ditch covered in strangers fluids is a possibility. Sometimes everyone needs to drink till they can’t remember feelings, but no one wants to black out and have to wonder why they bought 20 rabbits on Amazon last night. There are some simple ways to help the best/worst nights become slightly more bearable mornings. Turning a black out to a brown out is easier with a few tricks. Here’s how to avoid blacking out the next time you go crazy with the bottle.
Grease: People claim that eating bread while drunk soaks up the booze and sobers you up, those people also think Old Grandad is good whiskey. Never take your drinking advice from people who drink out of plastic bottles. Before you let one drop of booze down that gullet make sure its filled with high fat, low carb food. Grease is takes longer to digest than carbs, while your body is busy processing booze, now it will have to process fats at the same time. This creates a prolonged, much more stable drunk. The only thing carbs will do is put you to bed fast enough that people will draw on your face and stack everything in the room on you.
Limber Up: Great nights start with beer and end with as much hard alcohol as one liver can process. Instead of worrying about what to drink first, confuse the shit out of your body by throwing a shot in a beer. Putting a shot in a beer is like stretching before you work out, but for people who sleep till 3pm. It’s like dipping your toes in a pool before you jump in to swim with sharks. Everything mixes in your stomach eventually, this just makes your guts ready and harder than a Mexican gang member. Now instead of worrying which comes first, beer or liquor, you can just worry about whose giving you a piggy back home.
Bartender Assisted Suicide: There are nights when people leave the house knowing they’re going to get so drunk walking becomes controlled falling. Bartenders understand this, so when you hand over your card, say “Lemme know when I’m at 200”. This is the polite way of saying “Cut me off tonight before I put something or someone in my mouth”. Sure, its social suicide to stop drinking when everyone else has decided they will still be invincible tomorrow, but you’re going to be the one who doesn’t try to fight the bouncer because you think drunk muscles will win a fight against a guy with 4 necks.
Carbon Pills: You’re essentially swallowing the pill form of an extinguished camp fire, these are for emergency only. These are for situations like “high powered lawyer friend brought you out to the Hampton’s to show you how rich people live and you have to keep up”, these are for “How did I find myself drinking with a celebrity” nights. You can get them over the counter at any pharmacy but these should only be taken if you’re so drunk you can forget you’ve taken them. Not only do you waste money because alcohol never reaches your blood stream, but the toilet the next day will hurt worse than the hang over.
Push Ups: Adrenaline is a magic drug that helps bring you back to clarity. These are going to be the hardest push ups of your life, but they won’t hurt worse than the punch in the jaw your friend gives you for being obnoxious. Blacking out is a great way to get left at a bar, and if you’re the drunk guy who likes to start running, no one is going to chase you. Push ups are a way of blasting enough endorphins and adrenaline to your brain that tomorrow you won’t walk into the club like “What up? I got…too drunk and left my card here”.
If you’re going to binge drink, do it under the assumption you’re going to black out. It’s better to be prepared and call yourself a Drunk Boyscout instead of being honest and calling yourself an alcoholic. Keeping your wits about you in the smallest ways is a great way to ensure you don’t wake up covered in blood and tears…again.
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