Life
by J. Camm on August 30, 2013

Q: What do you feel is the best way to approach asking your wife/girlfriend if she'd be OK with a threesome?

A: With extreme caution and your hands in a place where you can defend yourself…

If you don't mind, I'm going to be honest about my balls for a second.

Do I have the balls to have a threesome? Without question. Do I have the balls to ask my wife or girlfriend to have a threesome if she's never once shown unsolicited interest? No. Fucking. Way.

However, I think there's at least one way to gage her temperature on having one without getting a death stare followed by days worth of “I hate you right now” silence.

Obviously, if ever she has given you a green light or a hint that a three-way is something of interest, I'd say open the conversation. But if you have no reason to believe she'd be down for it, you have to find another way in. My best advice is first introducing the idea of watching porn together. It's 2013 a lot of people do it. Then you've got to make sure said porn involves a three-way and when the time is right you ask, “You've never had a threesome, have you?” Ask the question in a negative way, like of course your angel would never have done it, but you just wanted to make sure and shit. And then, if she hasn't, you ask, “Have you ever wanted to?” Once she says, “No, absolutely not. That’s disgusting. Have you?” That's when you swallow this desire forever and fucking lie through your teeth.

In the event that this entire charade goes in your favor, good luck and pray her three-way fantasies don't involve more dick.

Q: Been seeing the girl for a year now (both went to b-school together). I don't like to tell a girl “I love you” too often. Problem is that we've fought 3 times total and each time has been about the fact that the ratio of affection from her to me is maybe 3:1.

Girl is admittedly awesome–good looks, very sweet, legit all around.

How do I placate her with more affection and ILYs without kowtowing to female terrorism?

A: What's your current mode of reciprocation when she shows affection? Do you stare blankly at her and then flick your next booger somewhere other than in her hair? Because while thoughtful, that doesn't exactly scream “I love you, too.” Love is giving her back exactly what she gives you and more, like saying “I love you, too” and then letting her eat that boog for sustenance.

In all seriousness, you don't always get back what you give — as your current girlfriend can attest — but if you love this girl, you might (and this is just me spitballing here) want to start belting out the affection before she stiffens and leaves your ass.

And I don't know what fuck female terrorism is or has to do with your inability to show affection, but what it all boils down to is this: Do you actually love her and want to show affection? Or are you just made of tin and incapable of such basic human interaction? If it is the former, just be a man and do it; clearly your sucking at it is the only strain on your relationship and it is the easiest thing to fucking fix. If it is the latter, maybe seek psychological help because this lack-of-affection issue could become a pattern. And if you don't love her, consider all the time you're wasting. 

Q: Would you rather be a kid forever when everything you saw just blew your mind, didn't have to pay for rent, etc. BUT had no knowledge of what adulthood would be like (IE: Sex, though I'm assuming you didn't know what that would be like as a kid…) Or be an adult with all of that knowledge, but have to pay rent, taxes and all that other shit that sucks.

A: The age in which I'd have to be stuck at as a kid frightens the fuck out of me, because I think I would have to be extremely young to get the bulk of the benefit youth provides.

I lost my virginity when I was 16. To me, that is still so far removed from the youthful innocence and ignorance I believe you're referring to. At that age and even earlier, I was still not really taking care of myself (financially) but I saw flashes, and had an appreciation, of what real life had in store (see: feeding your family or squeezing in a masturbation sesh at moments notice — both crucial in adult life). But I no longer harbored any grandiose ideas of life or earth or magic or whatever the fuck stupid kids hold as truth. I was far too tainted at 16. Hell, I think I'd have to be like 8-years-old to get the full mind blowing experience of the world.

I'm an adult now, albeit a barely functioning one, and I envy the optimism of the young, I really do. However, with each passing year a part of that eternal optimism children have dies- whether it's realizing that the mall Santa Claus is probably a chemical dependent pederast or that your pillow fort is nothing more than a bunch of fucking pillows; each year more of that innocence and “OH MY GOD THE SUN IS FOLLOWING ME!!” ignorance that makes youth so appealing escapes. So to go back to a place when it is still pure means going back to an age far to young for me to swallow.

And I hate saying that because I'd love to have a less literal outlook on life and be able to play tackle football in the backyard without crumbling like a piece f sun-scorched dog shit, but being that young kind of sucks.

Q: Short and simple. Is dipping bro? or do girls just think it is nasty?

A: Short questions receive short answers, grasshoppaaaa

Of course it is. And of course they do — chicks hate spitting in general, turning that shit diarrhea brown is only going to intensify that.

Speaking of intense…

Q: For those of us who have graduated the heaven that was undergrad and joined the real world shuffling to an 8am job, what are work (dress casual) clothes that a bro can wear at work while still bro-ing out. Like what shoes, slacks or casual Friday gear.

A: Well, that all depends on how casual your office is. Personally — and don't take this as the word of God because I'm not some tip-toeing, fancy boy fashion guru — for my money, taste, and desire for convenience above all, I go with J.Crew for my every neck to ankle need. I've got my sizes and fits so down pat that I don't even need to go to the store anymore, which is fantastic because I can't handle being bombarded by some “Can I help you?” asshole who most certainly can't help me. Unless, of course, he has a magic potion that'll make me not hate his inquisitive fucking guts. (I really like being left alone. At. All. Times.)

As for shoes, my summer jams are the laceless boat shoes from John Varvatos. I opt for them over Sperry's because A) they have a flat sole and B) when it comes to boat shoes I'm a pretty big lacist.

Q: When entering a dance party, what's your approach when it comes to dancing with the chicks, I'm not typically one to ask but I told a couple of my girl friends (attractive too) that and they were almost mad about it.

A: I've always taken the meet first, dance second approach when it comes to picking up chicks. Well, at least that's been my go-to maneuver since high school. Back then I was a walking shock and awe campaign: find her, approach her, and grind her until my boner either turned her off or produced enough pre-cum to soak through my chinos.

We all have different methods to picking up chicks. Maybe dancing isn't your strength. I'm goddamn certain it's not mine, that's why before I hit the dance floor with a girl, I lay a solid foundation of awesome with words and steaming good looks before I crush her hopes and dreams with my shoddy two-step.

Q: I need a Brofessor like ASAP. So I've met this girl and I can tell she's really into me. basically she let me finger her the first night and is coming over soon to fuck. I think I'm just in it to fuck but I don't wanna keep this up because she started talking about moving in and marrying and all that nonsense. I have no idea what to do, I want to keep this going but not at the risk of eventually moving in and marrying her. Bottom line, should I break it off with her now? Or should I just keep fucking it till I'm bored?

A: You literally just met her and she talking about FOREVER? And you’re considering keeping this going? I'm not even in this mess and my gast is sufficiently flabbered.

That said, the worst that could happen by using her as your dick’s personal spittoon for a few weeks is she makes your life a living hell once you stomp on her heart — because, ya know, SHE'S FUCKING NUTS — or she murders you. Or… she pulls the premeditated move of the century gets your dumb ass to impregnate her.

Wrap your shit. Wrap it real good.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

Post a Comment

Your email is kept private. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>