Q: I have a question about numbers. Recently I asked a girl I have been hooking up with how many guys she has slept with and I was a little surprised by the number she told me, even though mine is much higher. My question is: for having a girlfriend, what range do you deem acceptable as girlfriend material?
A: You recently made a horrible, irreversible mistake, my friend. This is the kind of knowledge that will eat at you, make you question things you'd rather not question. Who were these guys? Did she love them? How much jizz did she ingest before I came along? Does my jizz taste as good, I eat an awful lot of asparagus? Which one of them is responsible for her not wanting to do anal with me?
I've been with my girl for over three years and I have no idea how many guys she was with before me. I don't ever want to know because 1) I don't want to think about it, 2) It won't make a difference at this point, 3) I'd rather not give her a reason to reminisce, and 4) I certainly have zero intentions of her ever knowing my number, which, depending on the audience, is either enviable or revolting.
I don't know if there is even an “acceptable” number. Times have changed. People fuck a lot of people these days. As long as she's clean and you're the only one she's currently sleeping with I think that's as “acceptable” as it needs to be.
Q: Dude @ my work sent this out as a big middle finger to my company's sales dept. To be fair to him, our company is basically anally raping us all day long (no lube), but is this a bro way to quit?
From: ***, ****
Sent: Friday, March 08, 2013 10:48 AM
To: [Sales Agents ALL]
Cc: [Supervisors Inbound Sales];[Managers Inbound Sales]; Director Inbound Sales; VP Sales; VP East Coast Operations; HR Contact; Manager HR; Director HR; RVP HR; VP Operations
Subject: Resignation Effective Immediately/FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY IM FREE AT LAST
[My Manager]/[HR Lady]/To Whom It May Concern/Company Slaves:
I resign my position with ****, effective immediately. I'd like to refer to the **** employee handbook which states, “**** asks employees who decide to voluntarily leave the company to submit a letter of resignation to their supervisor at least two weeks prior to the last day of employment.” I am not required to give any advance notice, and in this case, I am not.
If I learn that my voluntary separation from **** is ever reported to any future or past employer of mine as anything except a voluntary separation (including, but not limited to, job abandonment) I WILL immediately pursue litigation against this company for falsification of my final job status and fraud.
If I learn that my final pay amount was ever altered or lessened I WILL immediately pursue litigation against this company for fraud. This includes, but is not limited to, all earned time and vacation, all current earned commissions, all future commission payments derived from completed installs set up under my agent id, and all **** installations set up under my agent id. I have an accurate accounting of all earned pay as of 03.08.13.
Of course I'd be willing to agree to a settlement and severe all of these ties immediately, but you will need to reach out to me (and you'll need to make it a generous offer as again I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH I AM ENTITLED TOO).
A: WOAH. Someone had an ax to grind with upper management. You likened the way your company treats you to ANAL RAPE. If a company was metaphorically raping my shit cooker I'd probably blow a gasket like this guy, too. And Bro or not, I commend him for going out on his own terms. It's not the best resignation letter that I have ever read, but I'm willing to bet management is praying that this prick doesn't start a mass exodus. This isn't just a see-you-fuckers-never email, this is the start of a goddamn revolution. The rest of you rape victims should sack up and leave these sodomites without any employees. Now THAT would be something.
Q: So I have this new really freaking hot roommate for 2 months now and I dont often say this about girls, but I really like her. We are talking a lot and teasing each other, but when I once said I can show her how a good date looks like (she was complaining about past dates), she just said it won´t be a good idea. We still talk a lot and she keeps teasing me and so on. So what should I do? If I hit on her and she says no or worse, things can get very awkward at home.
A: You think getting shot down would be awkward? Wait until you finally wear her down and get those milky thighs of hers spread, only to realize the sex wasn't as mind-blowing as you thought it would be, meanwhile, she's in the other room seeing stars and hashing out the final details of your nuptials. Do that and then come to me and talk about an awkward, unlivable situation.
If you want this, like if you really must have this girl, you better be in for the long haul (which, to be clear, is until the lease ends) or be prepared for her wrath once you fuck this up. Keep in mind that you can't sleep with her and then bring other chicks home. You know that, right? And what are you going to do if she decides to end it and then brings other dudes home? Are you prepared for that kind of rejection?
Q: So there's this girl I started dating and she's on birth control. So far we fucked twice and I came in her both times. Today she asked me what I would ever do if I got her pregnant. Of course I suggest an abortion then I ask her what she would do. She replies that she doesn't believe in abortions and that she would raise the child and I wouldn't have any obligations to it. This smells like strawberry scented bullshit to me but what should I do? Should I continue to fuck the socks off her, but use a condom from now on or should I continue to raw dog it and pray to the heavens her birth control never fucks up. Also, is this something worth dumping a girl for? I mean her pussy is tighter than airport security but a tight twat is a dime a dozen. Thanks
A: For all you know, she may be anti-abortion and curious as to where you stand on the topic OR she may be trying to have a kid and she's lying to you about the obligations bullshit. Whatever the case, I'd fuck her with extreme caution if I were you. Wouldn't want to be tied to this pile of shit for the rest of your life over a few raw strokes. Wrap it up until you figure out her true motives.
Q: What's the best way to trim your pubes? I'm just starting to hit the bars, don't like going clean shaved, but should I be just trimming everything, or trimming some and shaving the rest clean? What's common but classy, bro?
A: I've answered this before but since my search for “pube trimming” on our site yielded zero useful results, I will answer it again, only this time faster, better, and while french-braiding my own pubes with my left hand.
Trim your surrounding cock scruff with a hair trimmer. Use a straight razor on your ballsack (but only if you have a steady hand and/or haven't been abusing substances). Never shave your pelvic pubes with a straight razor as infected ingrown hairs + rough sex = devastation. Also, I've asked around and it turns out chicks don't want to go down on a dude with inflamed hair-zits circling his junk. Similarly, they don't want him to be as smooth as a Ken doll either.
So to summarize: keep the accompanying area well-trimmed, yet pedestrian, so your hairless centerpiece shines like the star it is.
Q: Do you think the Pareto principle applies to sexual relations? In that 20% of all guys hook up w/ 80% of all girls?
A: I believe it. Although I'd say it's probably more like 30 – 40% of guys hook up with 80% of all women. And if you think I'd have some logical reasoning as to why I believe this, you'd be wrong.
Q: What's the etiquette on farting while using the urinal in a public restroom? I understand if you are in a stall and need to let one fly but today some dude was sputtering next to me hardcore to the point where I almost lost my stream entirely out of surprise.
A: Where are we going as a country if you can't fart recklessly while at a urinal in a public bathroom? Not a world I want to live in, my friend. Come to think of it, us New Yorkers are probably not too far from that world being a reality. Our rambunctious twat of a Mayor will likely try to unsuccessfully outlaw blowing farts in public in NYC next.
Farting in a bathroom is fine by me and that's really all I have to say about it. If you can't piss while another man farts next to you then I don't know what to tell you, pal? Maybe walk into a stall and piss sitting down so you don't get startled and make a mess.
[Depressed guy image via ShutterStock]