JCamm: I've always maintained that this is a question better left unasked, but if you can't avoid it here are a few ways to leave the conversation with your girlfriend's ignorance still intact. And really, that's the common goal we're always workin' towards, isn't it?
You have three options:
1. Tell the truth because you have barely anything to hide.
2. Lie because your number is comically high.
3. Get really fired up because this question is ridiculous and your past is your past. For that matter, so is hers.
Whatever or your plan of attack, you must say “I'll tell you, but you have to tell me your number first.” This allows you to A) prepare for what you should say to continue to achieve the upper hand (everything in life revolves around “hand”) and B) blow her out of the fucking water when “oh, I dunno, about 30″ comes out of her mouth. If a girl ever says that, don't even hesitate, just tell her the truth, “Not bad, Kate. But it's no where near the 84 I've fucked.” Then go in for the high five. If she bites, you might just want to hang on to this broad.
If she's slept with only one guy or NO ONE, never go down this road because anything over three will make you look like a sexual deviant in her eyes. So only ever choose this option if she has had a few trysts, you've lived a modest sexual life and you know your number won't crush her. For instance, this would work if you're 18-years-old and you haven't yet exceeded eight random partners. Eight is not a number that would be a deal breaker for most girls. After all, they (experts) say the average guy sleeps with about eight girls in his lifetime, that number seems accurate if by “lifetime” they mean “freshman year of college.”
I made the mistake of not lying once…once. It was a rookie move and the recipient of my truths was floored with disgust. She spent the next six hours asking “how could you?” while I spent that time thinking, “how couldn't I?”
Also, except for the “about 30″ scenario, do not tell the truth if your number exceeds hers by more than nine. I don't like to play with multipliers, nor do I want to do math in my head on the fly, so I've found that nine is an acceptable buffer because it's a single digit difference. So no matter what your number is, if she says eight, you're at 17 — even if you're really closer 117. This works in reverse as well. If she's slept with six guys and you've only given your personal best to three chicks, you're number to her should be 15. For one, you can't let her beat you — unless you want to use it against her for some fucked up reason — and secondly, it makes her think you're familiar with being in the trenches. Not afraid to get your hands dirty. Know how to properly slam a clitoral hood. O.K., I'll stop now.
Get Fired Up
This is far and away your best route. Why? Not because you don't want to tell her you've fucked 100 people (we already know you're going to lie if it ever comes to that) but because you do not need to know how many dudes she's been with. Nothing good is going to come from that or the mental image that will explode in your brain the moment she tells you. That kind of knowledge only makes you wonder how many loads she's gargled and who else she's asked to tenderly thumb her asshole.
What? Did you think she just decided asshole play was something she might want to try once you came along?
Reggie Noble: The real question here is: What kind of person wants to know this information? Take it from a reformed investigatory journalist, when it comes to your current partner’s sexual bibliography, ignorance is bliss.
Whatever answer is returned isn’t going to have a positive impact. Any positive integer will cause her to think about one thing – and that’s you fucking someone other than her. That’s not a good thing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman with misplaced, self-inflicted, and blind jealousy.
Refusing to answer is your best bet. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world where America’s greatest export is “Jersey Shore.” So here’s how you can make chicken salad out of this chicken shit question.
Under no circumstances should you provide the first answer. Turn it around on her. If she really wants to talk about this, make her drop her number. Again, remember that you probably don’t want to know, but these here are dire straits.
If she refuses, then you’re off the hook. If she gives a number, immediately multiply it by 1.3. Then you’ll have her actual number. Take that figure and add another 50 percent to it, and then you have your response.
Look, it doesn’t matter how much puss you’ve slayed. What’s important here is to make her feel like you’re both in the same ballpark. For some reason, it’s crucial for her to confirm that you’re on the same sexual plane. I guess that’s not such a crazy desire.
But you don’t want her walking away from the conversation thinking that she’s got the upperhand in the getting it department. You don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. You can slice it any way you want, but if you’ve gotten more people to consent to your sex than her, it’s going to make her see you as more experienced.
See, doesn’t that all sound a little fucked up? Like the tenant an unhealthy relationship is built on? Like a needless and counterproductive game?
And that’s the best-case scenario of going down this road.
There are no stupid questions … just ones that shouldn’t be asked.