Q. I was dating this girl for about 3 or 4 months and we only meant to just basically be f*ck buddies. Then things eventually grew more serious, but she had to move away and she didn’t want things to be so serious, so the fling ended. Now that she is back in town, how would you go about trying to get back in the sack with the girl? Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
A. I’ve always said “remember when?” is the lowest form of conversation but in this instance, it’s not. Used in this capacity, it’s actually your best pal. The night two of you are out grabbing drinks to “catch up,” bring up the past, especially if the sex was lights-out and you have no bad history or beef. She isn't really an ex-girlfriend; from the sound of it you didn't douse dickhead's bridge in gasoline and then take a match to it. You guys simply fell out of touch because she moved, so reminding her of wild nights or memorable things you did together is only going to help your cause. It won't also drudge up those thoughts of betrayal and heartache like it would if she were an ex-girlfriend that you’re trying to win back after you clowned her because your dick needed to sightsee for a while and now it’s homesick.
This should be easy. Your relationship was fairly light when it ended, you know she’s sexually attracted to you, and you guys were essentially nothing more than f*ck friends. Mark my words: as long as you don’t confess your love to her or do something other than show up and act awesome, things are going to get physical. Carnal. And god-willing, inhumane.
Q. I’m a junior in college and I’ve had sex with ten girls. My Bros and I always compare numbers and we began debating about how many girls a Bro should sleep with in his lifetime. I think my number is low. What’s your take on this?
A. /thinks for 20 minutes.
My take is seventeen-fold, but I’m going to try to simplify it to a few points.
I’ve literally thought about this for 20 minutes – you saw it – and I can’t throw a number at you. It’s impossible. If you’re a below-average looking dude and you want to sleep with everything you can, then 10 is probably a great number to have by the time you’re a junior in college. But if your motivations are the same and chicks are sweating-out-the-puss when they’re in your presence, then yeah, I’d say you’re underachieving.
The average man sleeps with nine women in his lifetime (so says this piece of literature from 2011). I’m grossly over that number. So are most of my friends and so are a lot of you. That number (9) is factoring in old people who got married to their high school sweethearts the day after graduation, the overly religious, and the lowest common denominator of our society; guys so ugly or weird they can’t even get a fleshlight to f*ck them. If you remove those factions of dudes, I'd say the average is WAY higher than nine.
It's easy to sit here and be like “every guy should aspire to bang 100 chicks in his lifetime,” but a lot of guys don’t want that. In their heads they might be f*cking everything that walks past them but they aren’t the ones who’ll pull the trigger for the kill-shot in the field. They're scared, they don't want to risk diseases, or they actually want a lower number so they can respect themselves or some stupid sh*t like that.
So what’s a good number to end on before you settle down? Well, that’s honestly up to what you want and what you can realistically achieve. If you’re single you can’t just turn it off and say, “Normally, I’d f*ck ya, but I hit my quota a few years back, so I’m going to pass.” Nope, you just got to keep plugging away until you settle down and if you’re a good-looking guy with little morals and shaky standards, that number can get north of a hundred pretty goddamn fast.
Q. So my girlfriend is the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding, and with weddings come bachelorette parties. The bride-to-be wants to invite her two (openly) gay best friends to the party, as well as another guy, The party is a small event at a nightclub plus whatever other debauchery they choose to engage in. Am I wrong for feeling shafted for not being invited just because I'm dating a bridesmaid?
A. Are you OUT OF YOUR F*CKING MIND? I mean, HOLY SH*T I want to punch you in the face right now. But the way you’re talking leads me to believe someone recently fired a brick at your brainstem, so I’ll exercise a little restraint and try to get you thinking clearly.
Dude. Don’t do this. Don’t ask her about why, or complain that, you’re not invited. I’m uncertain where you’re at in this relationship, but someday you’re going to look at your girl being invited to bachelorette parties in an entirely new light. It’s not going to be “I’m missing out on girl-time debauchery” (by the way, I’m baffled how you’re even arrived at that thought in the first place) instead it’ll be, “Ding-f*cking-dong the b*tch is gone. Cue the sl*ts cuz it’s BOYS WEEKEND BABAY!”
Trust me, you want this time apart. She needs girl weekends just as much as you need time with your Bros. And, my god, you especially don’t want her whining when you have a bachelor party to attend that she can’t go to. I say enjoy the piss out of your night off. Go out with your Bros, have twice as good of a time as you would on a bachelorette party with one other whipped guy and two dudes that are so femininely gay they were invited in the first place. And if you don’t have any Bros around that night, bask in the peace and quite of your apartment. Watch a ball game, throw yourself off a few times (crank up the volume on that smut, no ones home but you), and soak in every minute of solitude you possibly can because when she gets back IT’S ALL GONE.