So this story takes place around the beginning of (this) summer, 2013. I was finishing up my junior year of school and I was in a self-admitted, borderline suicidal drought with the “ladies”. Not gonna lie, I have a rather large member hangin’ between my legs (the bitches have told me (I request feedback almost every time)). Being the absolute savage of a pussy slayer that I know I am, and like any self-respecting bro would, I instinctively hit Tinder to meet the some classy young ladies (whores). I know that I don’t have to be using Tinder to get me some box, but that is just how much of a fucking ruthless, animalistic, sick fuck that I am.
I’m sitting in my basement. I’m letting my dick hang (per usual), packin a bomb, and playing on the sticks. I’m obviously incredibly horny when this cock vacuum (slut) hits me up (swipes me right) on Tinder. No surprise. Fast forward about 25 minutes and 8 exchanged SnapChats, and this hot prospect has risen to the top of my draft board.
After iMessaging for a short time period (one day) this creature essentially tells me that she is down to get it in the poop chute. I do some quick research and try to confirm if these rumblings are true. My findings were as follows: she is down to get abused by the pipe. We’re talkin’ “she is more experienced with the workings of a pipe than your average, uneducated plummer” type of classy girl.
Two nights later, I decide to make the play and head to her place as her parents slip out for the evening. I get to her house ready to assert my dominance. The bitch hops in my whip and we go straight to a local park. I won’t go into too much detail about how easy it was to strip her of her garments, but it was about as difficult as throwing a fucking stone into the ocean. She has a porn star-type body (fitting) and we’re both ready for the demolition to begin. As she’s goin’ to town on Lars, my self-appointed title for my dick, she has the audacity to take a break and start complaining about how long I was taking to bust my ruthless load. I tell her to keep sucking my dick. She obliges.
Eventually she gives up, and requests that I stick it in her ass (good girl). The rumblings were in fact true and I’m hyped to dish out some anal tears. The actual anal was cool and I busted my nut, but the whole time I was legitimately thinking about how I was doing this purely for the story.
PS Half a month later I go to hang out with her for round 2. We smoked a blunt and she gave me head again, which I video snapchatted for all my bros to see.
PPS We were later pulled over for speeding and the officer could smell the kush in the air. She took all the blame for it and was arrested. I haven’t spoke to her since.
PPPS Looking back on it, this whole story has a much more symbolic meaning than anything constructed by Hemingway, Shakespeare, or Twain. My message is simple-I fucked this girl in the ass both literally and figuratively. She is now known as the ass clown.
Reading this was looking at a group of smiling, forty-something cougars — so many fucking parenthesis.
So it is the night before I leave for my freshman year at college, and one of my good buddies is throwing a huge farm party. I planned on taking it fairly easily that night considering I had about a 13 hour drive the next day to school, but when I got there and saw that debauchery that was going down, I changed my mind.
Now a little back story real quick, I had been dating this one girl for about a year, but we broke up like half way during summer cause I was about to leave for college, so I was a free man and happy to be so. Don't get me wrong, she was a great gal and had some wonderful DDs, but I wasn't going to do that long distance crap my first year at school.
So, back to the party. About 3 hours in, a game of Circle of Death starts up in the living room, and I hop in next to one of the cuter girls at the party. I'd give her an 8. Well we start joking around during the game and before I know it, she's leading me out the front door into the middle of the field next to house where I get the best head of my life. Now I would already consider this night a success. Got drunk, got head. Good way to go out.
Well on my way home from the farm party, I get a text from my Ex saying that she misses me and I should come over for one more good night before I leave. I'm pretty buzzed, so obviously I agreed.
I arrive at her house, she opens the door and is only wearing a tank top. Score. I walk in and instead of taking me up to her room, she takes me into the basement, where there is a mattress and a pile of Monsters and condoms. She tells me her parents were home, but I didn't care, I was drunk and wanted to bang.
We basically fucked all night but eventually fell asleep. Now this was terrifying, I woke up and I had no idea what time it was. I walk up the stairs and her parents are in the kitchen and they MAKING US BREAKFAST. They are perfectly fine that I just f'd the brains out their daughter all night and was about to leave and not see this girl again. I ate my eggs and toast, carried some lovely casual conversation, and left for college right on time.
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