Life
by Fitz E Fresh on January 30, 2013

Q: I'm currently in a state of confusion because I am in love with my best friend and she is with some other dude. I'll admit that as a guy I really have no clue what goes on in a girl's head and won't even begin to try, but the thing is she sends me pretty much fully nude photos all the time among other things, and she talks to me more than this guy. Her closest “girlfriend” thinks I'm perfect for this girl, and is trying to help. I have no earthly idea about how to go about this because i am terrified of losing her completely by coming on too strong. so I'm just looking for a little advice from an outside source. Thanks.

A: Falling in love with the best friend…wildly stereotypical but nevertheless, always difficult. And unfortunately for you, also rarely a positive end result. The friend zone is a dangerous and unfortunate place to end up; like quicksand, or one of those black holes you hear about in outer space. And just like quicksand, the longer you thrash around lazily, moaning for help but not actually doing anything, the farther you're going to sink from the possibility of (in your case, sexual) salvation. If you really want this girl in your life as more than just a friend, then you have to risk your friendship in order to achieve it. Put it this way; you either lose a friend knowing you tried your damnedest to make it work, or spend the rest of your days crying/jerking it to these nudie pics that she group texts to you and her actual boyfriend. And what the fuck is the deal with that?  She's sending you some sort of signal but its hard to decipher the message in her slutty morse code. She either really wants you to make a move, or she's just a raging exhibitionist and thinks nothing of her scandalous messages. Seeking consult from her best friend is an acceptable first move but ultimately, you'll have to dip your toes in the water to find out for sure.

Q: Babe, I read your article every week but I have no idea if your are a babe or just some fat girl like on a phone sex line.

A: Bro, I thank you for your loyal readership. Despite my sometimes crass, harsh, or unorthodox advice, I do hope you gain some wisdom from it. Wisdom that ideally will aid in ending your currently hopeless dry spell.

I got nothin' but love for ya.

As for my sex line, I'm not sure how you linked it back to me but I have a strong inkling that you were the guy who called last night and gave a fake credit card number. You fuckin' scoundrel.

Everyone knows that the bros of the Bible are Chubby chasers, which is of course how I got this job. But they don't pay me enough scrilla to hand out vocal freebies, okay?? So pay up, and refer your friends. 1-900-HIP-NTHI

Q: There`s this chick that I`m almost positive wants me, and today I asked her to hangout and she just didn`t reply. I just switched into her history class and we`re doing a project, and she asked me to be in her group. Yesterday we worked on the project in class and she seriously flirted with me the whole time. She asked me if I was a virgin and “If I have any girls riding my dick”,  and I thought I was flirting pretty well. So today I texted her on what exactly we were supposed to do on the project, and then slipped in if she wanted to do something later. She responded about the test but didn`t say anything about hanging out. What the fuck?

A: What the fuck is right. Who talks about riding dicks in front of their history teacher? That girl should be sent to the principals office..though from the sound of it, she'd pro baby enjoy a spanking. Anyways, to return to the topic of dicks; she sounds like a cock-tease. She has zero interest in hanging out with you on a personal level, but immediate interest in doing a school project with you.

And let me guess, you're doing all the bitch-work while she “does research” or “makes copies”. Are you following? This girl is working you for all your nerdy ass is worth–so wise up, dork. Keep work and play separate but don't let her hit it and quit it for your brainpower.

Q: So I went home with this girl last night from the bar. I totally out kicked my coverage, she was too sexy. When we were hooking up someone started to knock on her door relentlessly, it was really poor timing. It turns out that it was Asian food that her roommate had ordered before passing out. I guess my question is, how can you tell if you are eating gyoza or dumplings. Because I thought the food was Japanese, but then why would there be pad thai? If they were dumplings I guess the pad thai could make sense because its actually more common on Chinese menus than one would think, but then where did the sushi come from? I'm just really confused and didn't know where else to turn.

A: Thought-provoking inquiry, bro. I wish I were more of a general Asian specialist but as it turns out, I'm actually rather partial to Japanese food. My guess is the roommate ordered from one of those anything-goes places– you know, where they also serve buffalo chicken wings and mashed potatoes. High-quality establishments. My biggest concern with this whole thing is that you weren't so focused on the origin on the food that you forgot about the girl in the bed…keep your eyes on the prize.

Q: There is a girl who was in one of my classes last semester- we talked a little but nothing serious. She's in one of my classes this semester and on the first day she sits next to me and starts talking like we've know each other for years; you think she's into me or just trying not to be a loner?

A: Maybe you shed that freshman 20 or finally conquered that unfortunate bout with acne; but unless either or both of those things occurred, she's probably just trying to maintain a social status among her class peers. So stupid, but so not unusual. She's using you as friend bait, which you can actually use to your advantage. She's giving you the time of day so take an inch and gain a mile, or whatever the fuck that saying is. Take the opportunity to reel her in with your charisma and intelligence and in time, relations could easily move beyond the classroom.

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