I can't say it enough: The mailbag is stuffed and I'm drowning in e-mails. I'm not complaining, I love this column and would gladly post one of these a day if I had nothing else to do. Anyway, I'm slowly getting to all of your questions (at least the ones that've never been tackled before) but keep sending them my way. I know most of you write in asking about college, sex, and what happens when you rub your boner for too long, but other disgusting and offensive questions are also always welcomed and encouraged. Submit them here.
Q. For about the last two months I've been hooking up with this chick on the reg. Nothing serious, just some reoccurring late-night action. Splendid, right? As the nights have mounted so has the heaping pile of glazed TP. And it’s getting ridiculous. So, as one p*rn aficionado to another, I bring to you this: Should I introduce my j*zz rag to this girl at the expense of her getting creeped out, or should I leave the happy sock tucked underneath the bed where it belongs?
A. You keep just one, dedicated sock as your load rag? I haven’t done that in ages. At this point I practically just j*zz right into my laundry basket. Might as well, right?
Pulling your j*zz sock out to help clean up after sex is resourceful but likely disgusting to a girl. It’s basically the same thing as you getting a bloody nose at her place and her rifling through the garbage so you can put a used tampon up your nose to stop the flow.
That said, no, I wouldn’t offer her your filthy sock. The simple solution to not burning through roll after roll of Charmin (still waiting for them to sponsor my a**hole) is supplying her with her very own hand towel to clean herself after you f*ck all the juices out of her body. A hand towel takes no room in your laundry and she can use the same one for at least a week. That should come as no burden to you since men never use hand towels for their intended purpose anyway. Plus, this gesture will show her you care about her; it’s like giving her a letterman jacket... for her puss.
Q. Hey Bro. Question about relationships and your girlfriend's guy friends. I was recently dating a girl for a year, and on a few occasions the topic of guy friends and what kind of boundaries if any there should be popped up. By that I mean like lunches and sh*t I didn't know of until after the fact with "friends" of a few years, whose intentions were not those of friends. What is the best way to address/talk about this without coming off as a lowly jealous prick but short of saying you can’t see them. Any insight would be Bro.
A. The first thing every guy needs to get over is the fear that his new girlfriend is a closet wh*re. This is especially true if you haven’t known her all of your life, which is usually the case once you leave high school. That part of new relationships is the hardest to swallow. You really have no idea if this person you’re now dating is a decent human being or a Hentai aficionado.
Given the way your relationship probably started – you f*cked on date two or three -- it’s easy for that fear to set in and start to think, “I can understand why she f*cked me. I mean, how could she not? But just how many guys came before me?” Then, once you’re getting to really know each other she starts bringing up all these supposed “guy friends” she has and you can’t help but wonder which is a true friend and which is a friend because things didn’t mesh sexually. It’s hell. But before you go looking like the jealous guy who has zero trust in her for no reason, you’ve got to give it some time. Play it cool, like you’re not brimming with jealousy and rage.
What I suggest is wait till you meet all these guys before you start coming across as a jealous a**hole. Yes, there will inevitably be some who are friend-zoned and hate the fact that you’re now in the picture, but most of them are probably legitimately just her friends.
On top of that – and I know this sounds childish -- but you’ve got to fight fire with fire. Don’t always be the one left out -- the sap that’s sitting home whacking off while his girl is off doing whatever the f*ck she pleases with another man. As much as you hate her going to have lunch with her guy friend, she’ll cringe at the thought of you going out with a girl friend because your friendship with this other girl, more than likely, is the by-product of a few drunken f*cks in college. So do it a couple times -- it’ll be good to see how Jane’s filled out, anyway -- and your girlfriend won’t be able to hold her tongue about how much she dislikes what you're doing. That, my friend, is your open door to say, “Well, you go eat lunch with Thad all the time so I don’t see what the big deal is.” Her tune on how badly she needs these lunches with other dudes will quickly change.
Q. First of all, I am a chick. About a year ago, I started hanging out with a group of girls who are all 8s to 10s and I would realistically say I'm probably a high 7 or an 8, but I know for a fact I am way cooler and down to earth than most of them. I know that I am hot because I am constantly getting asked out and hit on by really hot and awesome guys -- but I am self-conscious because my friends all have super-toned swimsuit model bodies and I am on the curvier side. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total cow, but I could stand to lose10 pounds.
Most guys I have dated or hooked up with say that they like my curves -- they like that I have an awesome rack and a great ass -- but I've got to wonder how many of those guys are saying that to try to get laid or how many actually mean it. I am getting in shape and people have been taking notice at the weight loss, but I still have a long way to go and some love handles to lose.
So how important is body vs. face to guys? How much of an issue is it if I have a little more to grab onto? Will a guy choose a girl who is still hot and maybe curvier if she is awesome to hang out with over a vapid, airhead 9?
A. No disrespect to the importance of a nice, healthy, vivacious body (God knows I detest the obese and love a sexy bod) but I’ve always been a face guy. Yes, the body attached to that face better not resemble the county dump but the first thing on my list is always an attractive face. You can lose those 10 pounds in a few weeks time, but it takes years, money, or an act of God to reconstruct an entire face.
Sure that’s only my opinion, but I’m going to stick my neck out and say that just about every guy (with the exception of A-Rod) would rather hook up with a girl that “could stand to lose 10 pounds” over a complete butterface with a banging body. And I come to that conclusion not only based on my own preferences but because I’ve never once seen butterface as a fetish category on a smut website. BBW, on the other hand, is always at the top.
What you should probably do is send a picture in so I can give a better answer. It wouldn't hurt if you were n*de too. That way I can really assess the sh*t out of this situation.