Life
by J. Camm on May 14, 2013

Q: Mighty JCamm, I have traveled to your mountain to lay this question at your chiseled feet. So a couple weeks ago, I got a FB message from this random girl on a Saturday night saying “why aren't you online!?!?!”. Now I don't know this girl at all and can't remember why we're FB friends, but she's a solid 8 or 9 and when I followed up and ask her what the deal with the message was, she said that she meant to send it, but didn't say anything beyond that. I would assume she was just hammered and sent it looking for some saturday night instapenis, then sobered up and chalked it up to all the purple drank in her system, but ever since then she's been liking every random piece of shit that I post to FB. Is she deserving of the D, or will I end up with a case of CBS (Crazy Bitch Syndrome) if I put my wang in her thang? Btw it's already summer break at my college but this girl is still going strong with her “like” quest on my profile.

A: Unless she just discovered Facebook — because she's abusing it like a late forty-something mother who trolls her kid's pages with “likes” in lieu of having a life of her own after baby went to college –  I'd say she's jonesin' for a bonesin'.  Prayin' for a slayin'. Hurtin'' for a squirtin'. Crusin' for a clitoral bruisin'. O.K, that's enough, JC.

And yeah, she's FOR SURE got a touch of the Busey in her. No right-minded biped consciously acts like that. Social media is a great way to say “hey, I'm here to fuck” but this kind of overkill is off-putting. Bitch needs to get off Facebook and get a fucking life. 

So while random vaginal intercourse might be all you live for (it's really the stuff dreams are made of, isn't it?), taking a flyer on this one might actually keep you alive.

If nothing else, you can let her keeping doing her, which is relentlessly barraging your wall with “likes,” and summon her for sexual favors should you find yourself in a slump and needing to boost team morale.

Q: What's the best hotel to stay at in Vegas to have an awesome bachelors party? Trying to help plan one for my idiot bro who's getting married way too young.

Also, would you rather have your asshole raped by a large octopus for 6 hours or munch all the hairs off of Vince Wilforks ass crack, taint and ball sack after he's spent the past three days at Buffalo Wild Wings and is experiencing explosive diarrhea?

A: I've been to Vegas five times, but not at all in the last three years. So shit may have since shifted, but if you're going in the summer and hellbent on doing awful, inhumane things I would stay at the Hard Rock. The pool is incredible for day drinking (Rehab on Sunday is a wild time), there are no children ANYWHERE, and it's virtually lawless. For instance, I accidentally urinated on my friends leg while standing in the check-in line (might have drank too much on the flight in) and no one gave a shit. Well, except my friend; he was awfully cunty about the whole exchange. 

To be honest, you will probably manage to have a good time no matter where you stay as long as your group is ready to throw down and get weird. Unless, of course, you stay at the Luxor, that place is a total piece of shit. Now on to your second question…

To give you some background into my gag reflex, back in the day I almost vomited watching the Tom Green Show when he ate a pubic hair sandwich. On top of that, I think I'd rather be known as the guy who got raped for six hours by an octopus than the one who willingly ate every last pubic hair from Vince Wilfolk's stanky grundle.

Q: 2 parter..

What fraternity did you pledge?

Whats the craziest shit you can tell us that happened at your fraternity while you were there? Any stories of running train on some cum dumpster or some crazy shit like that?

That's actually a 3 parter sorry.

A: I pledged and joined Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Miami. It was really one big raucous time. At the time, our house was one of few in the country that had a in-ground pool. I say “at the time” because the property has since been condemned as the entire establishment was deemed a fire hazard.

The craziest shit? Man. Hard to pick just one specific incident. In terms of hazing the worst thing I saw happen took place while I was a pledge during a night where we had to do various, grueling events.

My pledge class had about 30 guys in it and on that night we were split into three or four groups going to different event stations where we had to do something most would categorize as “stupid.” One of the brothers in the fraternity, who was INSANE and wound up being in the CIA after graduation, had a station all to himslef and he thought it would be a fantastic idea for the pledges to do army crawls with a brother on their back over gravel and broken glass. Luckily for me, moments before that he made us do push ups till failure and I did the most in my group and according to CIA Bro that allowed me to skip the hellacious event that left all involved without skin on their arms and legs because “this is America and when you're the best you get to watch others suffer.” I didn't question that logic (because FUCK YEAH!) nor did I volunteer to be a good Bro to my fellow pledges and lose my top three layers of skin anyway. That was one of many nights during my pledging that the Dean found out about and culminated in us being on probation for the next two semesters. Good times.

Q: Was recently asked a fun philosophical/bro question that honestly, I didn't have an answer to immediately. I'm an opinionated fuck, and it's rare when I come across a question I really have to sit back and think on. (If this has been asked before, accept my sincerest apologies, I read this post religiously but occasionally I do miss a couple.) Anyways, if you had a step sister, NO blood relation (step sister by marriage), who is a total dime — a hard 9-10 by even the most discerning standards — but you have grown up with her since you were an infant, when you're both adults, would you fuck her?

Cons: You've grown up together, spent everyday together, and even though there's no blood relation, for all intents and purposes, you are both siblings.

Pros: She's a smoke show. You know more about this girl than anyone in the world, you've shared the same experiences/hardships growing up, you probably have a ton in common, all great prospects when considering a girl.

So… do you do it? Or would it be beyond weird and completely out of the question?

Side note: I am not currently in this situation or know anyone who is for that matter, just think its a pretty funny/difficult question. Can't wait to hear your take on it.

A: CRUCIAL side note. And really, the NEED to include it at the end of your question tells the entire story here. Which, of course, is that fucking her is not only off-limits because she's kind of your sister and that's gross, but because society says so. 

While you're not related by blood, you are still somewhat related through marriage. This isn't like taking in a drifter and his spice rack of a daughter. In marrying your step-dad your family kind of adopted this girl and when you look at it that way, it's especially gross. I'm actually stupefied that you had to sit and think about this.

Final Verdict: Out of the question. Although…if the Pitt-Jolie clan ever scoffs at social norms, and decide adoption is a grey area, that would make for compelling news some day.

Q: Ill start by saying this, Your the FUCKING MAN!! No joke your a goddamn genius when it comes to droppin knowledge on how to take life by balls and leaving no prisoners in the process. Now to the question at hand.. As I get older I find my taste in females changing from your typical everyday skanks pretending not to be skanks, to the more classy and a little older broads who arent straight bat shit crazy if you dont text them back in 5 minutes. So here is the age old question, Bush or No Bush?

A: YEESH, talk about a roundabout path to get to a question. And I appreciate the high praise, but I only have answers to these questions because I've done a lifetime's worth of dumb, repugnant shit. So that's something to take into consideration.

In my opinion — which, again, comes from a place of not wanting to eat a public hair sando — no bush is better than a full-on circus clown wig bush, of that I am certain. But to be completely candid, I don't hate a faint bush in the form of an understated landing strip. To me that is a better, sexier look for a girl to rock than a completely shaved vag with ingrown hair boils. “No, I didn't cum yet, one of your boils just exploded” is something I hope to never say.  

Q: JCamm, I know you have had this problem at some point in your life. I've been hooking up with this one chick for about 2 weeks. I've also been hooking up with other girls in between. Now this chick has started to inhibit my ability to bang all the other hot chicks (at bars, parties, etc.). And she wants to start hanging out more often (dates, etc.). This is not where I want this to head. I'm going to her formal on Friday and we have a formal on Saturday. She will want me to take her and I don't want to. Is there a way to do this (and wane her off me) without hurting feelings/looking like a douche?

A: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Nope. No way to walk away from this looking like a prince. Not when strings become attached and formal-invite-reciprocation is expected. There is no way you can let her down easy now. The longer you wait, the more crushed she'll be, but either way she won't be thrilled with the outcome here.

I think you need to do what you want to do. You can't feel bad and waste your precious time because this chick grew expectations. Peel the Band-Aid off and embrace the douche tag, you've earned it. When it comes to matters of the heart we all eventually wear the “you're a douche bag” badge, that's just the way it goes.

Q: So coming up in a couple weeks I will be going to Mexico with my best bro, as well as his gf, 8 of her girl friends, and two of their brothers for a week of drunken debauchery. Of these 8 friends, I know one for sure has openly told me she is dtf on the trip. She has a decent body, fake tits, but there is something mildly off about her face that I can't put my finger on. On a scale of “yes-to-no” she's a yes (because let's face it, that's the only true scale). My question is, how do I guarantee myself pussy on this trip with other girls while still capitalizing on the sure thing? I want to make sure I am getting both quantity and quality on this trip; although, I'm always down to “do something just for the story”.

A: Before you fuck Damaged Face McGee, do yo'self a favor and take a long look at the other seven girls on this trip. You have an entire week with these broads, the last thing you want to do is make your vacation girlfriend the worst looking girl in the group on day one. Because while she may be DOWN TO FUCKKKKK, she might also be looking to keep you under her wing for the entire trip. Bitches be possessive.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and Submit your Ask a Bro questions here

[Stalker photo via ShutterStock]

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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