So you say you’re a Bro? You say you’d “crush dat V” under your breath when girls walk by at parties? You say you’re “about to own chicks on St Patty’s Day like they’re Django’s first cousin?” Well Brosef, you aren’t the only one making wild claims about their sexual prowess. Depending on where you plan to celebrate, there are about a thousand other Bros who are foaming at the collective penis (Natty Light does something weird to Pre-Cum). But this isn’t just any weekend. These Dudes have been prepping. The St Patrick’s Day testosterone could fuel a racist-filled-rocket-ship into space. These guys have spent all week doing curls while whispering “Jay-mo” with each contraction of their guns. Each masturbation session they work themselves up to “full chub” then right before climaxing they stop, put their index finger up to their lips and say “Shhhhh, I’m saving you for Erin McIrish. Now go to sleep.”
Every dude is excited to drink this weekend, but they’re equally as pumped to bone some rando puss (“Rando Puss” is also my future WWE stage name). You are not alone so you must remember that. You must go into St Patty’s Day with a plan that includes something other than going to a bar with private enough stalls to poop. Don’t worry, Uncle J-Train is here to help with a simple strategy:
Step One: Dress Appropriately
There are three rules for any St Patty’s Day attire. It has to be green, offensive, and original. Your “Kiss Me I’m Irish” t-shirt just won’t cut it anymore. It’s got to be bigger. It’s got to be eye catching. Some suggestions:
-Kiss Me! I’m Bulimic So I know How to Handle Myself Today
-I Have A Huge Vagina So Sex With An Irishman Doesn’t Count
-I Get Drunk Today Because I Hate My Dad. So Anal Is A Possibility
-What’s A Condom?
-How Many JayMo Shots Make Me Pretty? Lets Find Out!
-Kiss Me I’m Irish. Unless You’re Ethnic!
-Kiss Me! I’m Not Oscar Pistorius!
-I’m Jewish, So I’m Half Irish, Meaning The “Ish.” So I Won’t Beat You!
-Everyone Loves A Nice Irish Boy Until They See Him Naked. So Just Give Me This One Day!
-I’m Black And Irish. Just Call Me A Figment Of Your Imagination!
-How Do You Like Them Apples!?! (Graphic picture of your balls)
-Kiss Me! I’m Not Chris Brown.... Unless You’re Into That Type Of Stuff!
Step Two: Stay Sober
I know this seems to go against all St Patty’s Day desires. The fact is, this thing is a marathon, not a sprint (that’s why St Patty’s Day is HUGE in Kenya). You’re going to wake up and your buddy with the girlfriend will be pushing for the “Rise and Shine Car Bomb” and you should absolutely take that Car Bomb. Just remember your buddy with the girlfriend has a much different agenda. He’s been preparing his lady for weeks about how insane St Patty’s Day will be so she should be “ready to hold him in her arms like a baby when he gets home” (also his weird fetish).
We had one guy in my fraternity who we called “Sid Sipper.” He’d hang out for the beginning of parties keeping things cool and not getting too drunk. By the end of the night he’d always have the hottest chick. He’d start slow because he knew by 11pm everyone would be too drunk to make a sentence and he’d stand out like the smart kid at a home for the mentally challenged. In the land of the drunk retard, the man who has feeling in his dong is king. Ironically, this is why we all called him gay.
Step Three: Get to the Bar Early
Apartment parties are fun but there’s a lot less “weird.” I’ve mentioned “the weird” in my columns before but if you're new let me explain what I mean by "weird." The apartment party will have friends and friends of friends. Those will include people from class, or work, or girlfriends, or friends of former girlfriends. Yes, one person will get way too drunk but everyone there will be talking about how thankful they are that they aren’t “THAT GUY.” This ISN’T “weird.” Apartment parties are a lot of normal.
At the bar there’s room for “weird.” There are girls you don’t know, with mental problems, and ex-boyfriends, and burning sensations when they urinate, and nobody from work or class who can say they saw them peeing in a Guinness can. This means everyone is loose, so handjobs under the bar don’t count as “hooking up,” and feces are kind of sexual, and girls will tell you that you look like their “hot brother.” And that my friend is “weird.” You want some “weird.”
Step Four: Target Girls in Zip Down Sweatshirts
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, the zip-down sweatshirt is the Instagram of clothing. It makes girls fifteen pounds lighter and 10 times more confident. The Zip Down Sweatshirt (with a grease stain) is the St Patty’s Day uniform. Girls wear them because it’s a day of gluttony but they feel great in them which means they are ready to get down. And if you’re the type of guy who says, “This D dont do cover ups,” then you need to realize what St Patty’s Day is all about. It was created by the Irish so that they could get drunk enough to want to hook up with other Irish. This day is the reason that Irish people could ever look at a naked, red haired, freckled body, and say, “You’re a chick right? So, ya sure, lets bone and stuff.” So get yourself together and respect your Irish brothers and their culture.
Step Five: Get Drunk
If you’re following the “Sid Sipper” routine then there’s a point where you need to “turn it on.” That point is when you’ve attained a KP (key player) from your Bros and gotten a group of zip-downs together at a spot where you can all post up (if a girl in a zip-down is leaning on the bar like an overweight Shaquille O'Neal then you’re ready). You and the KP keep the shots coming and treat those ZDs like you didn’t even hear one of them yell, “HERPES ISN’T A BIG DEAL!!” Serve up the flavored vodka maybe even get the french fries flavored Smirnoff to keep the ZDs engaged. You’ve kept things together until now for a reason. That reason was to get a group of chicks who are a combined 10 to get a little “weird.” This is your time, whisper something about anacondas into one of their ears. The connection will be made. The signals will be clear.
Step Six: Movie
If you’re looking to hook up then this day has to end (I know. Tear). If you’re a “stay out till daylight” type of dude then go for it but don’t expect these Zip-Downs to stick around unless they’re on a Lance Armstrong amount of PEDs (or as I call it, “A-Rodding”). If you’re willing to let this thing end then it’s, “Hey want to watch a movie at my place?” time. And I know you don’t even know her name, or your own name, or even have a movie at your place, but this is more for nostalgia. It will be just like high school where this “movie” is really “dry humping” and it doesn’t matter how freckled her body is, you’re definitely going to pass out in her vagina.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more St Patty’s Day T-Shirt ideas. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.