That time again. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q. I've been reading all these Hook Up Heroes and been wondering why these chicks don't bother us Bros with the fact that they're on the rag! What gives, man?
A. Dude. Tell me about it. Having no idea your period is about to burst onto the scene is one thing, but what kind of deviant stealthily pulls out her own tampon and tells a guy to eat her out knowing full well it’s a war zone down there? I’m disturbed even thinking about it. That broad has deep psychological issues and should probably be euthanized for society’s sake.
On the other hand, if a chick throws out fair warning that she’s gushing like a geyser and you still go forth with f*cking her, that’s not her fault. The blood of that decision is on your hands…and your d*ck...and in your mouth (should you be a disgusting f*ck). I’ll admit, it’s a gamble that I’ve made before (not the mouth part) and I look at it this way, banging chicks on the rag is exactly like skydiving: once you yank that ripcord, all you can do is hope for the best.
Q. I recently was involved in a shot contest. I managed to win by throwing down 37 shots of Smirnoff. This got me wondering, would you rather be more of a one-and-done or a heavyweight?
A. 37 SHOTS!?!? Were you drinking out of a thimble? Had to be. I don’t believe it. Send me footage.
As enjoyable as blacking out is, everyone still wants to be a heavyweight when it comes to packing away booze. It keeps you in the game longer. The one argument for wanting to be a lightweight is you probably won’t get a beer gut, but that shouldn’t be a problem unless you also eat like sh*t and your life is void of physical fitness.
Plus, how many lightweights do you know (that are male) hit their limit and then cut themselves off? I’ve never met one. They all end up acting like creeps, tough guys, or passed out on the couch only to wake up the next morning wrapped in duct tape and submerged in a puddle of their own piss. And that’s if their friends are nice. A guy in my fraternity forgot how to handle himself one night and a few Bros made him pay dearly for it. Poor bastard had to go to an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist to get the laundry detergent pumped out of his ear.
Q. Where do you aim to not get splatter on your legs when wearing shorts and peeing in a urinal? It's a debate my buddies and me have been having for awhile.
A. First, not all urinals are equal, so that needs to be taken into consideration. And as a general rule, if there’s water in it, you should aim for that. Piss doesn’t bounce off of water as hard as it does porcelain. Most people think that’s insane, and that you’ll just get water and piss all over yourself using that methodology, but go turn on your kitchen sink and watch if water bounces more with or without water in the basin. Also, because I believe in field research, I just conducted a test in my bathroom. The tile on my bathroom floor is very dark and allows me to see all the piss that never makes it to the bowl. When I just aimed at the porcelain, piss splattered everywhere. Flew right out of the bowl and onto the tile floor. But when I shot for the water, the splash was minimized if not gone entirely. So aiming at the water is always my first option.
But if the urinal doesn’t have water or if it has ice cubes, aim your piss at the corner of the bowl (for some reason I feel like the angle helps with the splatter). I used to try to melt the ice (as most do) but one day I got burned by it. The pisser had those cubes that have an indention or a curve in them (the kind that come out of fountain drink machines) and my stream hit the curved part, hard and fast, and it ricocheted off of it and soiled the living sh*t out of my pants. Like “I have to stay in the bathroom for 20 minutes and I’m going to stink from this” kind of wet. It was an eye-opening experience.
If none of that suits you, just stand 10 feet away and be “that” guy.
Q. So I'm a sophomore in high school and I've been tied down since around October. Since I got around to f*cking her I honestly don't like her that much but we’re in a lot of groups for projects together so tactically breaking up right now would probably be a bad idea. Once mid-May rolls around, I'll be done with that and I'm in the mood to slay some seniors before they're off to college and the chance is gone so I'm wondering the best time to end this withering relationship and get on with what would be a poon-bending month of June?
A. You do realize that you answered your own question before you even asked it, don’t you? It's fairly simple now to break it off because the summer is coming and you won't be forced to see her every day and your life won't be a living hell because of it. Just let this be a lesson to you when you're thinking about banging / dating a co-worker one day and you won't have summer break to fall back on. Who am I kidding? That shouldn't stop you.
Q. 1. I am a proud Canadian that has zero interaction with Americans; so all my insight into the American mind comes from BroBible. My question for you is, what is the general, American/BroBible opinion of your (free healthcare communist) neighbours in the great white north?
2. To spice it up: Would you rather f*ck a Sasquatch or the batboy made famous by the weekly world news, no explanation, just pick one.
A. 1. I’ve got no beef with Canada. Been up there a few times and I’m told Montreal is a must-visit, but other than that I’m kind of the you of America. I get all my insight into Canada from…well…nowhere.
2. I’d rather f*ck a Sasquatch because in some ways I already have. She was 6’ 1,” on the volleyball team, blessed with harvestable amount of arm hair, and it was her that did the f*ckin’.