Life
by J. Camm on September 24, 2012

On Saturday night my grandma and I stopped by a nice takeout seafood restaurant to get some food for my family. Upon ordering, the half black hostess walked over and gave me a business card, which just so happened to include her phone number and a smiley face. She soon earned the nickname of “the Outcast.”

Fast-forward to Monday afternoon when my boy KDuff arrived out in Montauk for a week of drunken debauchery. Between the combination of peer pressure and need for poon we decided to invite over the Outcast and her friend/coworker who will be referred to as “the Doorknob”.

They decided to casually come over around 12:45 in the morning with a bottle of gin… the runway lights were on and our dicks were prepared for takeoff. After some shots and an hour of beating around the bush we got down to business. Duff and I made eye contact and simultaneously went in for the kill with our respective females.

After a matter of minutes, we were both on our way to pound town.. so we thought. I received the deal breaking news that my ebony pound piece had her period, so I rolled over to watch some late night Spanish soap operas. I had come to the realization that KDuff was undoubtedly parking his car in her garage. Feeling guilty, the Outcast generously offered up her friend as my consolation prize. After shooting his baby gravy Duff ran to the bathroom allowing me the opportunity to switch beds.

The Doorknob took charge saying we should skip all foreplay and get straight to the good stuff. I threw on a rubber and within a matter of seconds I could tell this girl was no amateur.

I proceeded to take a turn on top and this is when the neighbors were awoken by the rhythmic bouncing of the mattress.

At this point, I glanced over to see KDuff falling asleep and shunning the Outcast while his half chub was clearly sticking around for Round 3. While I was in the bathroom, KDuff had taken the advice of the Outcast who offered her friend up for another round of sex. Once again, as the Outcast proceeded to apologize for not being able to do anything…

Spanish soap operas were still more interesting, so the Outcast was still not spoken to.

Between the affects of gin and his previous sexual endeavors KDuff was certainly not going to be busting another load into this sperm bank. He decided to call it quits and we immediately sent the girls home, as it was 4 a.m. and because we already didn't wanna speak to the Outcast as evidenced by us making her watch us rail her friend.

That bed was stained and soiled with the odor of sex so in the spirit of the night, so KDuff and I ended up sharing not only our women but also the pullout bed in a fitting end to the night.

The best part is that the Outcast refuses to come back and the doorknob who stole my number from the Outcast believes that we actually wanna hang out with her and respect her as a person.

This guy sent in this text message as proof:

Tongue out emoticon, eh? I hope that was your way of saying “remember when I lapped up your vag juice off the carpet last night?” and not anything even remotely close to respectful. 

Also, these guys obviously never heard the phrase “If there's blood on the field, play ball.”  But even if they were against period sex, was Outcast's jaw wired shut? Why was she rendered totally useless?

This next guy also delivered his piece with photo evidence of his hook up. Don't worry, it's okay to look at it; I wouldn't post anything that wasn't safe for life. 

I would like to share a story about the beauty of being a Long Islander.

So it was a lovely Friday night here at ZooMass and I was set for my second night out on the prowl… Night 1 was ended early by some police activity so I was excited for hunt. On the way to frat row my roommate and I smoothly convinced a few girls that frats are overrated and they should come to our room for some tequila…what girl doesn’t like tequila?

We arrive at my place and shots ensue. Within minutes I have my girl in bed and I hear the door open and close. Her friend was being a massive cock block and wasn’t allowing my friend access. I decided to end my hookup and go back out for new girls. We enter the hallway and my girl starts to make out with me again. Out of nowhere a very nice young brunette walks over and says “You’re from long island right? I’m from Farmingdale. Let’s go to your room.” This was too easy. So I tell girl #1 I would be right back and take girl #2 inside.

Before I even got into her cheetah printed thong I could tell this girl was ready for a good time. We got right to the good stuff and she quickly shows signs of a kinkier side. She begged for doggy style and wanted her hair pulled. She was hitting her head on a concrete wall and did not give a f*ck. She left a bite mark or two on my chest and shoulder. We f*cked in every position i could imagine for about an hour and a half until she said “wanna call it a night and go for this again tomorrow?”

I willingly allowed her to exit and I walked to my floormates to share the good  news. All was fun and games until i turned around and they saw what cat woman had done. I was left scarred for life by one of the feistiest sex panthers I’ve ever known.

Not a half-bad tic-tac-toe board. 

This next one gets incoherent in some spots, but to keep the authenticity of the story (and my laziness) I didn't fix it. 

So I somehow manage to have these sick ass weeks close to once a year now. This was for my buddy; let’s call him Mike, getting married on a cruise to Jamaica. Long story short, he got sh*thouse drunk at his bachelor party and figured out he didn’t want to be married. Well the close group of people knew it went down, everyone else figured it out when he didn’t show up for the cruise. Somehow I got roomed with my sister and her two friends, and was essentially alone on the wingman side of things because none of the groomsmen showed up.

Also planning ahead, I sneak 3 handles of some sh*tty vodka onto the boat, not up for buying 8 dollar beers on a moving island. So night one I meet my sister’s two friends, both attractive and one is a straight up dime. Night one, we are all drinking vodka in the hot tub and somehow, let’s call her Morgan the more attractive girl, and I end up alone in this hot tub drinking. I am pretty hammered at this point and she asks if I want to go back and cuddle, my response was, “I don’t cuddle, but we can go try.” So we stumble back to the room and the door doesn’t even close before we are going at it. Hands down roughest sex of my life, I had bite marks for days and bruises all over, it was intense. Mid slam sesh, my sister and the other girl walk in and realize what’s going on and immediately leave. End of night one.

Day two we hit up Jamaica, get smashed, smoke some weed and I think some of the girls got shrooms for later. That night we hit up the club on the ship and get smashed, and she gives me those F*CK ME eyes again. So we head back to the room, she falls down a flight of steps on the way, get in the room and start going at it again, same rough, biting, crazy sex again.

Day three we arrive in the Cayman Islands and Morgan tells me in the morning she’s on her period. End of fun I thought. So Morgan and my sister go off to do something by themselves, and Elizabeth. my sister’s other friend wants to go jet skiing so I’m down. After jet skiing for a while, we start walking back to town and pick up some beer, which is socially and legally acceptable to drink on the streets down there. To burn some time we hop in a car with some dudes and hit up a local bar. Then we head back to the ship area, find an abandoned home on the beach with a private cove, hop the fence and drink in this cove until we have to get back onto the ship.

To get back, we have to take a small ferryboat to our ship, completely sh*tfaced I end up puking off this boat. So my sister and Morgan are lost to the world so Elizabeth and I get back and I jump in the shower. A few minutes into my shower, Elizabeth comes in and just starts stripping her bikini off in this tiny bathroom and jumps into the shower with me. At this point I know I’m out of condoms but I could have cared less and just start going to town on her from behind. Keep in mind this is about 5 PM.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful after that night considering everything that already happened. I ended up hooking up with Morgan a few more times once we got back to dry land but haven’t talked to either of them since.

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J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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