Life
by J. Camm on March 25, 2013

After a night of getting competitively drunk with my friends, Jon and the Eskimo, a fat chick I met at a bar called Adelphia in South Jersey came over with her two hot friends (who claimed to be cheerleaders) for a menagerie of bad shots and babysitting. Jon tells this story much better than I do since I had to be wasted to uphold my end of the bargain so here is his email to me:

As I best recall, you met the fat ugly bitch at Adelphia's or some shit. She showed up at your place with the other two smoking hot cheerleaders. You and fattie-fattie-2×4 started making all kinds of different shots in the kitchen, which we all drank. Four out of six were over 200lbs (myself, you, the Eskimo faggot and your fat bitch). The other two not so much. The two cute ones were having a good time and I plotted on them both. Then the smaller (and cuter) of the two looks at me with glassy eyes and says “I need a trash can… right NoooWBLAAAA AAAAHG THGHGHA HAHAAAA AAAARGG GHGBLAHG.” I was running back from the bathroom with your dinky little bucket and was just in time to see her projectile vomit spaghetti and liquor all over herself, your couch, your carpet, etc etc…

My first statement to her was “Wow, you really need to chew your food better.” I recall having to pick her feet up like you would a baby during a diaper change to wipe the spaghetti vomit out off her ass because she was sitting in it like a toddler in a diaper. No, she wasn’t naked but I sure as shit wish she would've been. At some point between the end of the shot making and the beginning of Barf-a-rama, a la Stand by Me, you and pigface went to the bedroom. The only part I remember goes like this: Only seconds in she pulled away proclaiming, “I don’t fuck on the first date.” Immediately annoyed I replied, “Neither do I. Get the fuck out!” Awestruck, it took her at least thirty seconds of staring at me before she realized I was serious.

Back to Jon:

By the time you bellowed out your response to her, we were in the middle of clean up. All I remember is that bitch storming out of the bedroom in a flurry of rage and immediately switched into “super compassionate woman-mode” when she hit that wall of vomit and crying friends.

At one point, I had to work my way around the bathroom door because the taller of the two cute ones was in the fetal position on the ground. The conversation went like this:

Me: “Hey baby, I don’t mind you being there but I gotta piss. I'm not going to do anything nasty to you; I just gotta handle this real quick.”

Her: “Ya ok… I'm comfortable… around you… just turn off… the light…when you're done.”

Nobody got laid that night because that stupid whore turned her super cute, barely of age, naive little soon-to-be GANGBANG AUDITIONS #37 material into frothing, puking infants.

NEXT! 

During my sophomore year in college I went out on a Wednesday night to a bar that I didn't normally go to and that night gave me a good reminder as to why. I was out with my bro and his girlfriend and it was getting late in the night so I'm absolutely shithoused, when this solid 5 (We'll call her Dragon Lady) came over and started making out with me almost immediately. My buddy's girl saw this, grabbed me, and told me she wasn't attractive, but it was late; I was hammered, and I wanted to get laid, so I brushed them off and brought the girl home and fucked her anyway.

For some ungodly known reason I gave the Dragon Lady my phone number. The next weekend I had some bros from back home visiting me and we of course went out and
got smashed. Some how all of us got separated during the night and I was with one of my buddies, LB, and he wanted to smoke. I knew a guy and we went an got high at his place. While we were smoking with a bunch of people that I really did not know, the fucking Dragon Lady texts me and wants to come over. So I tell everyone in attendance about this chick and how I want nothing to do with her and we all start joking about how I should make her walk from down town all the way to my apartment when I'm not there.  It then evolved into one of my buddies should be there and answer the door and he should fuck her. The third rendition of the story was that all of my bros should greet this girl with a nice gang bang.

So I tell this girl she can make the trek out to my apartment (with no intentions of fucking her)and LB and I head back to find my friends sitting around the TV watching an infomercial for Girls Gone Wild and eating fried rabbit that my roommate was cooking for some hick-ass reason. While we are waiting for the Dragon Lady we fill in our bros on the situation and LB and I enjoy another bowl with our bros this time. By the time this chick gets to my apartment one of my bros, Scruff, decided he was going to sit on this ledge right in front of my apartment door butt-ass naked perched like a fucking gargoyle and not say a word or even acknowledge the chick at all when she walks in.

Dragon Lady comes into the apartment with 5 bros hanging out and one naked guy and acts like there is nothing out of the ordinary going on so we continue to fuck with her.  Somehow the conversation turns to “our past lives and what we were.” She tells LB that he was a mouse or some stupid shit in his past life so LB points out the obvious, that she must have big a fucking pig in her previous existence! The Dragon Lady responds with “No, I was not a pig, I was a Dragon!” So everyone busts up laughing and continues to give this girls shit. By this time Scruff has moved onto the futon to sit right next to Dragon Lady still butt naked without saying a word. Scruff gets up to go to the bathroom at some point and she asks why he doesn't speak and we told her the he is a French exchange student who can't speak English. When he sits back down next to her, he grabs a traffic cone that we had in our apartment and places it on his dick and acts like he's jerking off into it right next to her. She's starting to think it's a little weird at this point and switches seats and sits next to me.

At that point I'm high out of my mind (I don't really smoke much to begin with), it's late, and this girl is nuts. I tell my bros to deal with her and I head into my room and shut the door. Not ten minute later this hoe bag comes into my room locks the door and jumps on top of me. After all the shit I had done to her she still wanted the D. And I'm drunk and high enough to stick it in her again.

When she left the next morning, Scruff said, “See you later, Dragon Lady”, she replied, “I knew he wasn't French!”

NEXT!

So this is the second hook-up story I’m submitting but hopefully not the last. This spring break my friends and I decided we’d try a cruise, mostly because we waited until the last minute and everything else was too expensive. There were four of us (we’ll say Mike, John, Seth, and me) staying in what could have doubled for a closet. If you’ve ever been on a cruise then you know how small the inside cabins are. Anyway, every single night we ran into the same problem. We would get back to the room with a chick ready to go only to find out that it was occupied by one of our bros already going at it. Security made it pretty hard to bang anywhere else and for some reason none of these chicks wanted to go back to their rooms. After a few nights of trying to stagger times to bring girls back it was getting pretty rough. We began to realize that the trip was not living up to its full potential. Then one night we got kind of lucky.

This was probably the third or fourth night in and we decided to go a bit harder than usual during the pregame. Halfway through the night I realized I wasn’t feeling great but I was not about to duck out early on spring break so I kept going. Mike and I meet up with these two sorority sloots and they decide they wanna go back to our room. We get back and start hooking up immediately. At this point I’m feeling like total garbage and I could tell it wasn’t going to end well. My main concern is trying not to throw up or shit myself. And then to top it off I’m too drunk to perform. I’m getting pissed that I’m wasting this opportunity so I start violently jerking off in an attempt to get it. Fast-forward like 5 minutes and Mike is banging out while I’m getting dome. Then the third amigo, John, shows up with another chick that does not seem to be concerned with what is already taking place. 

Mike gets a little flustered during this latest addition to the room and can’t finish so he’s ripping through condoms left and right. John and his chick jump on the top bunk but she’s on the rag so he’s getting dome too. I take it to the shower because I figured if I threw up at least it’d be in the bathroom. I hear Mike start yelling because his chick is clawing into his sunburned back at which point John decides he’s just gonna try to sneak one in but his chick isn’t having it and he ends up making a mess all over the place. He wants to take a shower immediately so I convince my chick to go back to her room. That’s really the last thing I remember until I woke up back in my bed to the fourth bro, Seth, trying to get in our room with another chick. By then Mike and John had gone for food and I guess I somehow made it back to my room. Apparently later that night Mike who got blue balled earlier decided to jerk off in our sink for some reason before seeing his new gigantic hickey, just a few days before his big job interview. I’m still not sure how I feel about what happened that night but I’m not really gonna worry about it.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to our housekeeping maid.. Sorry.

Submit your Hook Up Heroes stories here.