We’re a vague kind of marketing company that spends most of the day trying to convince businesses how much they need our help to gain exposure. Spoiler alert, they don’t. We’re looking to bring in one more person who doesn’t mind making hundreds of calls a day to people who have no clue what they’re trying to sell them. Are you that person? No clock-watchers please, because we literally do not have any clocks so that would be a huge waste of time.
You must bring your own laptop because although we have a great loft space in Soho, we’re spending every penny on rent and can barely afford to keep the lights on. You need to dress like a professional but as you’ll see if we hire you, the rest of the staff dresses like your ex-girlfriend’s sleazy uncle…i.e., lots of neck beards.
Once hired, we will have you fill out at least 10 forms in order to process your payment. Unfortunately none of them will “go through” but we won’t inform you until about 3 weeks in. So realistically you’re looking at 6-8 weeks until you receive your first check. Hope that works. But don’t worry, our HR person Pat is great. He’s only been fired for two jobs in his career, which is by far the fewest at this company. If he says anything that resembles sexual harassment, you can tell us but we probably won’t do much about it because that’s just “Pat being Pat.”
Do you think you have what it takes to work here and not think about suicide daily? Because we had a guy like that…and boy did that not work out. On the bright side, he did leave a sweatshirt behind, which you are more than welcome to have once his stupid mother stops calling about it.
Your title will be Project Manager but we will likely refer to you as our ‘Jack (or Jill) of All Trades.’ And by all trades we mean trying to fix the copier, getting coffee, and breaking up any knife fights that occur outside our building between French tourists and the “sunglasses guy.”
There will be a two-week trial period to see what kind of salary you will receive. Even if you excel it won’t be very high, but just high enough to keep you working here for several months because “a job’s a job, right?”
When applying please copy and paste your resume into the body of the email. Also send us a picture to see if you’re the kind of person who will fit in here (good looking and not super ethnic-I can say this, I’m a quarter French Canadian) but please NO ATTACHMENTS! How do you send a picture without attaching it? Who knows, but hopefully you figure it out.
A few more perks of the job:
- Free coffee on Fridays (1 cup only)
- Great progressive culture — one of the partners voted for Obama so it’s totally cool if he says anything racist/sexist/horrible which he does from time to time (every day)
- Unlimited bathroom time (good for pooping)
- 3 vacation days for death related stuff, 2 personal days and 1 holiday (I usually choose Christmas)
- Option to join the company softball team which consists of the most nonathletic yet competitive people you’ll ever meet (not a good mix)
Even though this sounds like the shittiest job in the world, we will probably never get back to you since we’ll likely get thousands of applications from people who went to top colleges. My advice, start your own shitty company, it’s really easy!
I want more like this!
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