You never get a second chance to make a first impression. That quote came from Gandhi. The revolutionary, you see, wasn’t always a pacifist. It just so happened that the first time the world took notice, he was being bludgeoned by British troops, too weak to fight back. Everyone assumed he took beating with a kind heart, and a legend was born.
Sorry, what are we talking about? Right. First impressions are important. None more so than in the realm of dating. You have to put your best foot forward. And with the internet so in these days, I figured we should see what first impressions popular dating sites are making:
Bold move, Christian Mingle, leading with a verse from Psalms. Did you by chance read the 18 preceding books of the Bible, you know, the ones were God was literally fireraping entire civilizations to death for shit like drinking from the wrong river? This is like Hitler nudging you and saying he knows some swell babes. Gotta give you pause, right? Is Christian Mingle aware who wrote these psalms? David had eight wives and 150 concubines. This quote belongs on the top of Ashley Madison.
Experience the magic of compatibility. Look at eHarmony just shoving the shame of singlehood down your gullet. You don’t have a boyfriend? You are missing some out of this world shit. Have you attended a magic show? They pull hawks out of their boxer briefs. That is what love is and you don’t have it. Also, “Now free to communicate?” You know where else communication is free. All of society. And fuck off with that interracial couple you prominently display. You and I both know you plucked that shit off Getty Images.
How about we seductively sip tea while staring into an unknown ether? The fuck aura is that chick supposed to be portraying? I would never date her. She’s sipping hot liquid and wearing a scarf INDOORS. She’s the kind of bitch that complains about the temperature of a restaurant during a first date. You know I have no control over that. STOP BEING ANEMIC PLEASE. And what is this “For Couples” section? Did they expand to swingers? I hope so. Because who the fuck wants to meet couples who have so little fun they turn to an online pairing system?
I don’t know if you can see this, but the Retrieve Password function at the top of the page is written in Hebrew. Talk about trying to filter out riff-raff. Although I’ll admit it. I like JDate. It’s the only one of these that’s like, fuck yea, we’re racist. I mean, do you see a brown person in that that mosaic? But really, why do these people get off on being so insular? Try a vacation that isn’t a cruise. Eat some shellfish. Date a non-Zionist. I had oysters last week with a Japanese woman. No vengeful God smote me.
I never heard of you until today and you have no hot people on your homepage. AM I SUPPOSED TO MARRY A .TXT FILE?
Really Match, a goddamn pop up on your home page? One I can’t close? Word of advice: If you want to attract people who use the internet, don’t adopt practices from 2006. And no, I will not take the bastardized Myers-Briggs test you offer at the top right. What’s it going to tell me? You are an introvert. Guess what? There are thousands of introverts on Match just waiting to meet you. Sounds like you really understand personality traits.
“Start meeting people now!” What is with the urgency of all these sites? Find six singles within six blocks of you ready to go on six dates tonight! Anyone that’s on a dating site has to be at least 23 or something. Can’t they wait three goddamn days to get coffee with someone they have literally never met? And what the hell does the “The Google of online dating” mean? Google is creating space internet and building robots that will gamble for you. You have an option people can chose for “Casual Sex.” Although I would casual sex the shit out of that girl right there. All pencil skirt and riding boots. Set me up with her.
Do you want a nice white woman to introduce to your folks? How about an endearing white man to bring home for the holidays? What about white significant others who knows how to display just the right amount of whimsy during an engagement shoot? Then Perfect Match is for you. Although I don’t know about their Duet Total Compatibility System. If those are the best who use it…the guy on the right looks like he has jaundice.
Zoosk, the site that has so many online ads you’ve threatened to lynch a panda the next time you hear one. At least that’s what I pledged to do. And what’s with the plush talking heart. Hey young people, have you seen Ted? Then you’ll love Zoosk. It’s hip like Seth MacFarlane. Ugh. All these sites deserve to die in an digital terrorist attack.