Life
by J. Camm on May 7, 2013

Q: The gym I go to posts people's personal records for squat, bench, and dead lift on the main wall. Being fairly new, I went on Facebook and looked up a bunch of people from the board to see if I recognized them. I look up this chick and it turns out she's hot with a perfect ass (never talked to her before). Next day I open Facebook to see that she's accepted my friend request (which I never sent). I think my finger must've hit the request button while trying to scope her pics (goddamn iPhone), and so I immediately delete her as a friend and hope she forgets. Later, I see that she has re-requested me as a friend. I now see her at the gym and we make small talk, but I'm worried the awkward/creepy level has been set too high already. Did I completely fuck up or
can I still bang her?

A: Oh yeah, you fucked up. But against all odds it doesn’t matter! You went creep city on this bitch and she came back for more. If her re-requesting you as a friend on Facebook (after you initially friend requested her in the seediest way possible) isn’t her way of not caring I don’t know what is.

Your game in unconscious right now, so should probably message her ASAP before you come back to earth or she starts thinking rationally. But until then, feel free to forgo any and all pleasantries and get right down to brass tacks, “Hey ButterTits, I’m the slimeball with the stalker friend request. When can I be inside you? Best Wishes, Jeff”

Sure, that might sound like a suicide mission but your fly-too-close-to-the-sun methods have got you this far.

Q: Big fan. I apologize for the novel. Really need advice and cant go to my bros because they will think I have gone soft. A girl that I have known my whole life is a 10. She was the hottest girl at my HS and was a year older than me. Naturally I had a huge crush on her but was way to intimidated to ever make a move. I ended up hooking up with other girls throughout HS, because they were easier. Anyways a year ago one of her friends told me that for a year in HS she had a huge crush on me. Summer is approaching and she has been hitting me up about chilling. This girl is also literally the biggest flirt in the world, and I can never read her. Literally every interaction I've had with this girl is friend zone city. However, the fact that I know at one point she had a crush on me makes me think that I have a chance, but she has also seen me do a lot of shitty things toward girls. What do you think am I in the friend zone or am I in.

A: #FriendZoneProblems

No idea why I just used a hashtag there. Completely unnecessary. I'm sorry. #ForgiveMe

Unlike shooting heroin directly into your bloodstream, you really won't know the outcome of this until you try. Much like shooting heroin, however, her knocking you down a few pegs might lead to an addiction, an addiction to the fascination of one day leaving the friend zone and being with her. I've seen a number of really sad fucks in my day who just couldn't move on once a girl ‘zoned them, they tortured themselves for years, lingering, trying to land a chick who will never hop that “we're just friends” hurdle. I'd argue heroin is a less agonizing endeavor.

But you've got a leg up on those dudes. At one point this 10 had a crush on you. You may not have been privy to that information, but it was confirmed, which tells me you have the necessary means (chiseled jawline, contagious eyes, a back that could be mistaken for a goddamn roadmap, ya know, THE FUCKIN’ GOODS) to get a ton of girls. This one should be no different. You just need to get out of your own head and out of your own way and approach hitting on her like she’s nothing special.

Long story short: you have a chance but you need to step up to the plate and take a few swings. 

Let's take a brief hiatus from your problems to stare at this for a few blissful moments. 

What a goddamn masterpiece… Gives me the strenght to keep on keeping on.

Q: TO THE ALMIGHTY J. CAMM;

The other day I slept with a girl, and when she saw my manhood she looked at me and said, “Wow, I thought you were going to be small.”

How should I take this?

A: GuyWhoShouldHaveATinyPenisButDoesn't, I'd take it like a compliment while at the same time trying to decipher why people think I've got mouse cock.

- Are you diminutive in size and stature?

- Do you tirelessly talk about how your girth and length are a problem for most chicks to handle?

- Was your last break-up so messy that your spiteful bitch of an ex-girlfriend might have taken some liberties when describing your manhood all her friends?

- Do you drive a yellow Camero? 

Yeah, I have no idea why she thought your cock was a fingernail clipping. Just be happy it's not. How about that?

Q: I have this situation where in one of my classes, I always seem to find myself talking to the girl who sits next to me. The problem is, her breath is terrible. She's a really sweet girl too, so I don't want to break her heart. So question is, how do you tell a girl that her breath smells without demoralizing the hell out of her?

A: You don’t. You can’t.

Outside of offering her a breath mint or piece of gum every single time you see her, your hands are tied here. Anything you choose to say will embarrass her and make her self-conscious. She isn’t your Bro. No matter how carefully you crafted your words, they will be interpreted by her brain as, “Hey Horse Shit Breath, if you ate less horse shit your breath wouldn’t smell so much like horse shit.”

It is most likely that she suffers from debilitating halitosis and she probably knows her breath perpetually stinks. If bringing it up doesn’t demoralize her, her having to explain her stanky condition to you will.

Let's pause again because I want someone, anyone really, to buy and send me this t-shirt.

Send a large or a medium and do so immediately. 

Q: I am high school football player who will play his senior year in the Spring. I'm currently in the recruiting process and as of right now it looks like I will have a few options. I need an opinion on what I should choose. Here are my options:

1.Play D-1 at an average caliber program but I might play in a bowl game or two over my career and fulfill my dream of playing division 1 football. I might get a scholarship, but I also could end up walking on somewhere.

2. I could play at an Ivy League school where I would play a lower level of football, but obviously get a top of the line education. I would also start very early into my career and get a lot of playing time. Ivy League schools can't offer athletic scholarships, but they will offer huge amounts of financial aid for my family to make it reasonable to go there. Should I take the opportunity to get an education like that even it means sacrificing the quality of the football?

3. I could play at one of the military schools where they will offer scholarships as well as a great education. Also, I then get to play D-1. As you could guess, going to one of these schools would mean I have to serve in the military. If I did go this route, I would be able to have a lot of say in what area I served and how I served.

Thanks for your help!

A: Based on those obnoxious commercials played during every televised colligate sport — to remind us our stupid fucking piece of shit childhood dreams are bound to land us a job working the desk at Enterprise Rent-a-Car — you're probably going to be a part of the majority of student-athletes who “go pro in something other than sports.” So if I'm you, Ivy League is my choice; you still have an outside chance of making the NFL should you improve drastically and your job prospects after college are probably way better than if you choose the other two.

Q: So my best friend's girlfriend fucking sucks. She has never said an interesting thing in her entire life, and walks around like she owns our house. The worst part is, she's not even hot. I'm saying this girl is a 5.5 at best. Do I tell my boy how much everyone hates her, or do I have a bro's obligation to keep my mouth shut? Help me J. Camm.

A: I've seen this movie before. Real compelling piece of film, too. 

You wrote in so automatically I'm on your side. FUCK THIS SKANK! But — and I ask the question knowing you probably already did this because you're a true gentleman — have you really tried to befriend and get to know this godless monster? Like, really made an effort? Or do you find her appearance so off-putting that you can’t get past it because you know your Bro deserves far better?

The latter is honestly most dude’s hang up when their Bros date below the looks poverty line. I’m sure this girl isn’t as terrible as you make her out to be but she also isn’t hot so you don’t have that “justifier” as to why he is dating her. I get it.

I’m in favor of my friends figuring shit like this out for themselves. If she hasn’t cheated on him or persuaded him to join a cult, I think you need to keep your mouth shut. Clearly he is with her for a reason and if you bring it up, he could hate you for it. What happens if they stay together? He’ll know FOREVER that you hate this bitch. And that will eventually drive you apart as friends, which means EVERYONE LOSES. So I wouldn’t say anything OR I’d convince someone else to fall on the sword.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here

[Gym image via ShutterStock]