Life
by Walt on February 6, 2014

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I step out of line and meander over to a nearby display housing the pharmacy’s selection of prophylactics. You know: rubbers; jimmies; whaling caps; those latex places where half-hard whiskey dicks go to die. I eventually settle on a pack of glow-in-the-dark raincoats – mostly because my nightlight burnt out last week.

Next thing I know, I’m staring over the counter at a cashier who’s a dead-ringer for Betty White while handing over a box of Trojans in tandem with an exorbitantly priced baby-killing pill. This is ironic. This is funny. A smirk like a teenager’s who just found dad’s porno stash appears on my face. “Guess you learned your lesson,” Ethel – I’ve gathered from her nametag — rasps with a chuckle.

Moral of the story: well there’s not one, really. It’s just that after the Plan B/condom episode I realized that there is comedic gold to be made by purchasing certain hilarious items in concert with condoms. And doing this little exercise has completely diffused the discomfort that used to overcome me when I’d buy condoms – you know, because parading around Sam’s Club with a box of XL MAGNUMS under your arm at 12 years old draws a few scornful glances. (Sometimes Dad was too drunk to get out of the car and buy them himself.)

Anyway, slap these ten things on the check-out belt next to your condoms; hilarity will ensue.

1. Duct Tape

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Home rape-kit. That said, at least he’s being safe about it.”

Your Response: “What?! Sometimes they rip!”

2. Thumbtacks

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Somebody getting pregnant tonight.”

Your Response: “Oh, it’s my first time. I’m gonna pin it to the wall afterward, right next to my Trivia Bowl medals.”

3. Gauze and Bandages

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Dear Lord; these troubled youths.”

Your Response: “Yep. Exactly what you’re thinking. All of it. It’s like that.”

4. Zucchini, Cucumber or any other Phallic Root Vegetable

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Guess I’m not eating salad again for a while.”

Your Response: “My mom taught me a special way of preparing Okra with these little baggies. It gets sooo moist, you really wouldn’t believe it.”

5. Shitty Romance Novel

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Cleanup on Register 5, please. I just made a puddle in my seat.”

Your Response: (channeling Antonio Banderas) “I’m working on my own erotic novel at the moment.”

6. Large Bag of Candy

The Cashier’s Thinking: “That’s funny — those are the same two things my priest buys every time he’s in here.”

Your Response: “Oh shit! Is that MY unmarked white van they’re towing?!”

7. Turkey Baster

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Makes the term ‘stuffing’ take on a whole new meaning.”

Your Response: “Is this really the longest one you’ve got? I suppose it’ll do, but Master won’t be happy.”

8. Adult Diapers

The Cashier’s Thinking: “What’s that smell?”

Your Response: “Where can I find a condom that’ll fit a fist?”

9. Gerbil

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Are you sure that gerbil fits a Magnum?”

Your Response: “Oh not, it’s a she. But don’t worry. This specimen appears to have particularly wide-set hips.”

10. Laxatives

The Cashier’s Thinking: “Do they use the laxatives before or after?”

Your Response: “Did you ever see that 2 Girls, 1 Cup, Ethel?”

About Walt...

  • Ryan

    Bought condoms and goldbond spray at the sametime one night. Cashier just looks at me and I say “What, I’m trying to get lucky tonight.” True story

  • Nick

    I was buying condoms and my gf called and told me to pick up some peanut butter…. ‘Nuff said.

  • Marty

    Some were kind of weak, but 9 was fucking twisted funny and made the whole thing.