So I’m on line at the pharmacy with a female friend the other day, cursing under my breath as she shuffles through her purse for the frequent buyer’s card that gets us 25% off on morning after pills. I had just lost the rock-paper-scissors game to decide which one of us would be forking over fifty bills; my protests that this most recent loss made five in a row for me and thus maybe (just maybe) she could kindly bend the rules and pay for once is rejected with a toss of her hair and a coquettish giggle. “Maybe next time,” she chirps. And that’s when I realize we should probably start using protection.
I step out of line and meander over to a nearby display housing the pharmacy’s selection of prophylactics. You know: rubbers; jimmies; whaling caps; those latex places where half-hard whiskey dicks go to die. I eventually settle on a pack of glow-in-the-dark raincoats – mostly because my nightlight burnt out last week.
Next thing I know, I’m staring over the counter at a cashier who’s a dead-ringer for Betty White while handing over a box of Trojans in tandem with an exorbitantly priced baby-killing pill. This is ironic. This is funny. A smirk like a teenager’s who just found dad’s porno stash appears on my face. “Guess you learned your lesson,” Ethel – I’ve gathered from her nametag -- rasps with a chuckle.
Moral of the story: well there’s not one, really. It’s just that after the Plan B/condom episode I realized that there is comedic gold to be made by purchasing certain hilarious items in concert with condoms. And doing this little exercise has completely diffused the discomfort that used to overcome me when I’d buy condoms – you know, because parading around Sam’s Club with a box of XL MAGNUMS under your arm at 12 years old draws a few scornful glances. (Sometimes Dad was too drunk to get out of the car and buy them himself.)
Anyway, slap these ten things on the check-out belt next to your condoms; hilarity will ensue.
1. Duct Tape
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Home rape-kit. That said, at least he’s being safe about it.”
Your Response: “What?! Sometimes they rip!”
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Somebody getting pregnant tonight.”
Your Response: “Oh, it’s my first time. I’m gonna pin it to the wall afterward, right next to my Trivia Bowl medals.”
3. Gauze and Bandages
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Dear Lord; these troubled youths.”
Your Response: “Yep. Exactly what you’re thinking. All of it. It’s like that.”
4. Zucchini, Cucumber or any other Phallic Root Vegetable
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Guess I’m not eating salad again for a while.”
Your Response: “My mom taught me a special way of preparing Okra with these little baggies. It gets sooo moist, you really wouldn’t believe it.”
5. Shitty Romance Novel
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Cleanup on Register 5, please. I just made a puddle in my seat.”
Your Response: (channeling Antonio Banderas) “I’m working on my own erotic novel at the moment.”
6. Large Bag of Candy
The Cashier’s Thinking: “That’s funny -- those are the same two things my priest buys every time he’s in here.”
Your Response: “Oh shit! Is that MY unmarked white van they’re towing?!”
7. Turkey Baster
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Makes the term ‘stuffing’ take on a whole new meaning.”
Your Response: “Is this really the longest one you’ve got? I suppose it’ll do, but Master won’t be happy.”
8. Adult Diapers
The Cashier’s Thinking: “What’s that smell?”
Your Response: “Where can I find a condom that’ll fit a fist?”
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Are you sure that gerbil fits a Magnum?”
Your Response: “Oh not, it’s a she. But don’t worry. This specimen appears to have particularly wide-set hips.”
The Cashier’s Thinking: “Do they use the laxatives before or after?”
Your Response: “Did you ever see that 2 Girls, 1 Cup, Ethel?”