The story begins with my best friend, Zak, and I deciding to visit my older brother Corey at a University deeply embedded in the ghetto of Philly.
So the night begins at around 10:30 as Zak, Corey and I head over for the three minute walk to the Alpha house for the all too familiar pre-game. We knock back the first couple shots, take some more and a couple more. Needless to say being the high-schooler that I am, my night starts off on the right foot. After about a half hour of pre-gaming we head downstairs to the party. Now by this point in my life I posses a fair-share of Fraternity knowledge, having visited tons of different Fraternity houses in respected Universities, all across the collegiate nation, such as Penn State, Maryland, Indiana and UPenn. This house in particular is easily the nicest house I’ve ever seen… on one side is the drinking area, with beer pong tables and a 20 foot bar with a wide array of drinks. On the other side is a dance floor including strobe lights and a stripper pole.
As the night goes on the three of us go from drunk, to totally fucked up. Eventually after countless games of beer pong and dozens of shots we obviously make our way to the dance floor. Displaying my dance moves to all of the men and women of this University, I eventually begin to eye- fuck a girl on the dance floor; for the sake of the story, her name will be Natalie. We begin grinding; within five minutes Natalie turns around and we start to hook up in the middle of the dance floor. This clearly leads me to ask the classic question, “so do you want to come back to my place?” (I don’t have a place). Being the naïve- drunken fratrat she is, she responds with a simple “sure.” Readily eager to give me his apartment key, my brother is beaming with pride at this point.
As mentioned previously the walk to and from the Fraternity house to Corey’s apartment is at most a five minute walk! However in an intoxicated manner this drunken broad and I take our very own tour of the hood (thankfully the thugs missed out on a great opportunity). This five minute walk turns into a half hour journey, leading her to ask, “how do you not know how to get home?!” My consistent response being “uhhhh I dunno!” Finally we stumble upon my bro’s house where I suddenly lose the ability to unlock and open the front door! She asks “how do you not know how to open your own door?!” My consistent response being “uhhhh I dunno!” Eventually after about ten minutes of pure struggle we wobble into my brothers’ bedroom; with the only thoughts going through my mind being “holy shit! Yesssss!”
Let the fucking begin… she starts to ride me and instantly a new man is born: a harder, better, faster, stronger version of myself. At this time it becomes clear to me that I’m never going to see this girl again… #fuckit! I get up and say with authority, “LET ME FUCK YOU DOGGY STYLE!” she obliges. As I explore through unfamiliar territory, I try my best to act as if I’ve been there and done that. For what I thought to be hours (probably about 20 minutes) exploring a bunch of different positions, she begins to blow me where I make virgin history… becoming the first virgin to ever not finish; the thrill was no match for whiskey dick.
The next morning I wake up (still drunk as shit) next to a surprisingly decent looking blonde chick frantically looking for her phone and putting on her underwear in a desperate effort to avoid any awkward interaction. As I’m in the process of showing her the door we walk by Zak passed out on the couch with a black eye and trash can in front of him. As we walk by I say, “that’s my roommates cousin… he’s in high school.” To end this experience the right way she gave me her phone to put in my contact information. Clearly I gave her the wrong number and put my name in as Deuce Bigilow (Class-act). Shortly after she leaves I realize that suddenly I no longer have a neck. This bitch decided to replace it with 20 hickeys that quickly became welts. This is going to be fun explaining to my parents…
Oh by the way… Zak got with a black chick, tried to finger her on the dance floor, and got punched in the face like a champ.
The storyteller may have left his V-card in Philly but his finger blasting buddy, Zak, that kid has a bright future ahead of him.
Our story begins on what seemed a pretty regular Tuesday last April. What does a regular Tuesday look like, you ask? Case race. It was supposed to be 3 on 3, but the third on my team was coming late from work. So naturally I step up for my team, drank 15, and we win anyway. Around the end of the race, I get a text from a former slam in need of a lay. Obviously I decide to help her out, and head over to her place. This is where things start to get fuzzy. I get there, and not so subtly indicate that I am not happy her friends are there. They leave and we start getting down to business. Clothes are coming off, and she tells me to put on a condom, to which I respond ‘Umm I kind of want some dome first.’ At first she declines, but I was adamant. After a couple minutes of a very awkward, silent, and naked battle of wills, she caves and gives me a quick blowie. So then we really get to it, and I had probably the most selfish sex of my life. I was really enjoying it, but apparently she wasn’t so she tells me to finish. I fake an orgasm, and she tries to cuddle. Obliviously I wasn’t there to cuddle, and demand another round of dome. Again, she declines (does my dick taste bad?) but I was really hurting for a blowie. We start arguing about it, and give her the ultimatum: dome or I’m leaving. Shockingly, she told me to leave. So I hop out of bed, throw on my boxers and leave carrying the rest of my clothes.
At least that was the natty influenced version of how I remembered it.
Naturally neither of us were very happy with the other after this exchange, and did not keep in touch. More accurately- we actively avoided each other. Fast forward to the present and a friend of mine is hooking up with the same chick. One night, the topic of me arises and she decided to tell my friend her version of the story. As she remembers it, after we had sex, I passed out. We wake up a little later, and I had pissed the bed. I then proceed to blame it on her and leave. Which of these two versions is true? The world may never know. Unless I asked for dome in my own pee sheets, which is certainly a possibility.
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