I live in NYC. I think I lost power around 8:30 pm on Monday night but who knows, the loss of my iPhone has made even the tiniest things hard to remember. Where do I live? Who played Will’s dad on ‘Fresh Prince?’ What’s the name of the movie with the guy from Monk and Denzel Washington where the city is taken over by the military and is kinda sorta what NYC feels like right now? IMDB? Was Anette Bening in that? Are you there? Where am I? God? How do I know what people are eating and what it looks like under a strange tint? "WIKIPEDIA!!!!!!!! Where art thou!?" I scream into the abyss (It's also a thing I scream during climax).
I’m sorry. Things were bad. I was writing this with a quill by candlelight until I could transcribe it onto a computer (note: when I got to a computer it took me six hours to catch up on my Facebooking). Once my power came back on I got in a couple good whacks (thank you Halloween Saturday) and then caught up on all of the amazing things that happened over the past few days. During tough times some people really come up big (I call them “Eli Mannings”) and some people just really take a huge steaming dump (“Mark Sanchezes”). Here’s a review of how people did in the face of Hurricane Sandy:
Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s Spanish Teacher: Zero
Bloomberg's warning in 'Spanish' was the lingual equivalent of coming back from Epcot Center and telling everyone you loved experiencing all of the different cultures. I'm surprised he didn't finish his statement with 'Yo quiero Taco Bell.' I’m sure he gets off stage and someone’s first response is, “Love the Spanish, Bloomy, you sounded great.” Then he puffs his chest, closes his eyes, and whispers to himself, “This is my 9/11.”
Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s Sign Language Interpreter: Hero
This woman’s hands must have calluses like a weightlifter who doesn’t wear gloves (Sidenote: Weightlifting gloves at the gym are the easiest way to tell people you’re gay. It’s how my buddy came out last year). She’s even backs up her healthy hand-work with great facial expressions. It's hilarious to see how a black woman interprets Bloomberg’s Yiddish words like “schlepping” with her face. And sexy. Very sexy.
Derek Jeter, Shortstop, New York Yankees: Hero
I heard he had woman after woman come over and pleasure him then he sent them home with Hurricane Sandy themed gift baskets. Complete with flashlights, jugs of water, and batteries so they can refill their vibrators to masturbate to him later. Derek Jeter, you sir are an American hero. Okay, I didn't actually hear that, but I need to live in a world where this can happen for someone.
People Taking Pictures In Front of the Hanging Crane: Zeroes
I watched a person take a picture of their friend holding up the crane as if this were Pisa and that crane was the leaning tower. This is ‘Merica and we don’t take pride in failures. We take pride in not knowing where Pisa is on a map and Arby’s (it really IS good mood food!). And as New Yorkers, we take pride in acting as if we've seen EVERYTHING before. What's that? A transvestite sprayed you with piss from a Super Soaker on the street today? I don't care, stop talking about it. You're taking a photo of yourself in front of the crane? Go back to Iowa.
Governor Chris Christie: Hero
Sometimes people do very stupid things. 99% of the time, we ignore how blatantly stupid those things are because we just don't want to deal with it. But every once in a while someone just starts taking idiots down for the idiot things they do, and it's awesome. Chris Christie was handing out moron-cards like he was Oprah giving away cars. Oh, you felt like staying in your house on the ocean? We ain't rescuing your ass. Oh, you're the mayor of the cesspool that is Atlantic City? Blow me, dumbass. He even wore a fleece during the press conference with “Chris Christie, Governor” written on the chest. I love that he had that made, and I love that he put it on a fleece (aka the fat person's uniform). I bet before he left his house, he threw that on, looked at his wife and said “I’ll fuck you later," then kissed her on the cheek, grabbed a cold slice of pizza and a Budweiser, and slammed the back screen door.
He even switched Halloween. Now THAT's power.
Unaffected New Yorkers Updating Their Friends and Family Via Facebook: ZeroesAllow me to sum up my Facebook feed with an example post: “To my friends and family, I’m fine. The Upper East Side had A LOT of wind. The storm was for realz scary as a mofo. I think a little pee came out at one point. I just want you all to know that I feel lucky to have my life. I still have water and electricity. I know I could just email this information to my Mom but I just wanted to let anyone who might have texted me in the past few hours that I’m doing fine. I probably haven’t heard from people because the cell service is shaky. Just call me if you’re wondering or you can “like” this status so I know that I’m still alive. Please someone speak to me.”
Your storm probably would have been really boring and fat and into tv shows like “Two and A Half Men” and had the some weird, boring, fat person name, like Phil or Jan. Also, it probably would have started out really ferocious, but then stopped, realized it was being kind of rude, and just sort of petered out.
Donald Trump: Hero
I used my small amount of cell phone battery to follow Donald on twitter and NOTHING could have been more entertaining. He’s so disconnected from reality that it’s like a Donald Trump parody account. See if you can tell which one of these mid-hurricane Sandy tweets I made up:
“I am the best builder but if that were my building with the crane mishap, I would have been lambasted from coast to coast.”
“I never fall for scams. I am the only person who immediately walked out of my ‘Ali G’ interview”
“Glad to hear that @taylorswift13 will be co-hosting the Grammy nominations special on 12.5. Taylor is terrific!”
Trick question. They are ALL real Donald Trump Mid-Hurricane Sandy Tweets.
The People Of The Northeast: Heroes
I joke, but it's been pretty cool to watch an area of the country known for its brash attitude come together in a time of need. While I know your life may not have been at risk, your WAY of life may have been destroyed. Over the past few days, I’ve watched people offer small gestures (lending an outlet) and really enormous ones (letting people stay in your studio apartment where a fart smell can last for at least a month). I’m sure we are going to hear even more stories of heroism as time goes on. It’s heartbreaking to see the pictures of areas that I know so well under such devastation, but I think we're gonna be fine. If you’re looking for a way to help there’s the Red Cross or to give directly to a town in serious need, Rockaway, Queens got hit pretty hard.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more thoughts on how Chris Christie spends his days. You can check out his latest video from the Flugtag here.