It's the Bro of the Week time. That means five dudes, all with gut-busting stories — involving heroism, dwarfism, defeatism, barbarianism, and finally survival-ism (arguable) — will be vying for our highly coveted number-1 spot as Bro of the Week. This week's lucky winner(s) will receive a set of cardboard BroBible coasters and a burlap sack brimming with dutch yellow potatoes.
We haven't covered this at all yet, but by now I am sure you all heard that the Atlanta-based rapper is getting credit for talking a man off a ledge when said man had his heart set on committing suicide. This was a risky move by the police. What if the guy f*ckin' hated T.I.? And how did he even talk him down? To my knowledge this should be left to professionals trained in this shit. I mean, I clearly would have started singing Third Eye Blind's "Jumper" and hoped for the best. But that is only because I am a highly trained suicided negotiator.
4. "Jackass" Cast
I haven't seen a 3-D movie since my parents took me to see "Honey I Shrunk the Audience" as a child. I don't quite understand why it took 20 years for the concept to become cool again but I think I will make an effort to see this. I am not a huge "Jackass" fan but the video of Bam Margera taking an over-sized hand right in the kisser has yet to get old for me. I'm also curious to see if Steve-O fell off the wagon prior to being slung into the air while strapped to a portable shit-house.
3. Stephen Garcia
Stats alone don't come close to telling the story of how well this Cock played against Alabama. Save for one brain-dead move — taking a safety from the five-yard line — his performance was extremely efficient. He threw for a mere 200 yards but he only had three incomplete passes and in key third-down situations he came through time and time again for the Old Ball Coach. Somewhere, right now, on USC's campus, Intern Tim is trying to find and blow Garcia.
2. Julian Romero
Forgoing Nike Free's, Vibrams, or even Aqua Socks (those were the hot shit in the early '90s) Romero ran the entire Chicago Marathon barefoot. That sounds f*ckin' agonizing but Romero says, "It's really the most comfortable way to run, you know? Especially in heat like this, you don't have to have those socks and shoes on your feet, just have that cool air going over your feet the entire race," In other news, you should pick up Romero in your death pool -- he is a staph infection waiting to happen.
1. Chilean Miners
Although it seems like everyone wants these guys to be number one, I don't particularly care for this choice. They're alive. I get it. Yippy for them. But they survived underground, with food and water being f*ckin' shuttled to them. It was practically a fully furnished vacation — anything is better than mining for a living, even being stuck in a f*ckin' mine. I'm not knocking the rescue efforts or that they lived, I am just not thrilled to crown these guys as heroes when all they did was sit and wait. Did anyone among them revert to cannibalism? No. Did anyone go batshit and befriend a volleyball? No. What they did do is pop out of the mine one by f*cking one, dance a Chilean jig, and then suck face with their mistress, all without even a scratch on their bodies.