Q: How do you get a girl to realize she needs to shave her mustache? Obviously not a full on porn kinda stache, but way too many girls out there who don't realize their facial hair is out of control. There are also girls who have a couple whiskers on their chin, what do you say to them?
A: Mustaches and beards? What kind of under-evolved cave women are you chasing, Bro?
Two buckets. That's where things fall when I examine a woman's flaws. (Note: this only pertains to someone I'd be interested in dating, everyone else can be as fucking hairy and gross as they'd like. They aren't my problem.)
Bucket one: Things I wish weren't there, but can live with. See: Megan Fox's thumbs
Bucket two: Things that need to be changed in order for me to proceed. See: facial hair, bad breath, poor hygiene, the inability to say anything without using the word “LIKE” 3,000 times, etc.
Is that a superficial way to go through life? Fuckin' A right it is. But for one reason or another, everyone has things they can't look past.
Here is how you fix your problem.
With a girlfriend/wife:
You know this person. You should be comfortable talking to her and expressing your feelings. So subtle hints liks this should do the trick: ”Hey! How about you do something about that mustache, Burt Reynolds. You know I love you, and I don't like to pick nits, but lose the dick broom pronto.”
With a girl you're casually seeing, but haven't earned the right to comment yet:
Your relationship may not be at that next level, but it could be if it weren't for that filthy duster on her lip. In order to get that thing gone you need to go about it carefully. Point out the issue on someone else to plant the seed in her head: ”You should have seen the mustache on this girl I rode the elevator with today. She must not own a mirror. Man. So gross. Puke city.”
The next time she steps in the bathroom or looks into her compact she will have that woman in the elevator in mind. If the lip hair isn't gone after that, there is no hope.
Q: Yo JCamm – Is it bad to be “too accessible”? From women to your friends, social media to answering texts quickly. Is there such thing to be too accessible and can it be a bad thing? I tend to think I'm pretty reliable when it comes to responding to people, but does that take away from the value of my responses? (Like being too easy, then it's not that valuable) Just curious on what your thoughts are.
A: Being pegged as “Mr. Reliable” is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you can be counted on, and people will feel like they can put their faith you — that'll make you all warm and tingly in the dick hole. On the other hand, you're probably the first person on everyone's speed dial (that doesn't exist anymore, but you get the point) and that sucks when your cheapskate friend wants to move apartments but not pay for movers. “I'll buy ya some beer,” he'll say like it's some grand fucking gesture; like a six pack of beer makes up for a full day of manual labor and soothes over that newly acquired back pain that starts at your neck and ends somewhere in your asshole (because you know nothing lifting credenzas with proper form).
Being extremely reliable and accessible might provoke a girl fall in love with you, or it can cause her to shove you into the friend zone. It can entice your boss promote you, or it can make him take full advantage of you and dump tasks a chimp could perform on you.
What I'm trying I says is there's just no way of knowing what the outcome will be. That's why I suggest you become a self-induldged sociopath, like the rest of us.
Q: Relationship question, I have been told that I let things move too quickly in a short period of time. I'm not talking marriage or anything crazy, but spend plenty of time together, talk plenty, ect. Maybe because of that, my past few relationships have failed. I've always been a believer in “go with what ya feel” but maybe that's been my problem. My question is, how do I slow things down? How do I not get so caught up and get the ball rolling too fast too soon? Thanks Broski.
A: Girls like interest, not infatuation. Well, the kind of girls you actually want, anyway. These chicks might be into you but trying to take your relationship from zero to sixty in a week's time is overkill.
You're facing a similar dilemma as the dude in the “accessibility” question. Only you're not just too accessible, you're overbearing. You're like that “it” song you hear all day on the radio and every night in bars; awesome for a week but abhorrent after a month. Don't be that song. Everyone eventually thinks that song is a piece of shit. That song makes you want to jab steak knives into your ears.
Dial back the texts, the calls, the necessity to make plans…EVERYTHING. Still be you — whatever the fuck that entails — but show some restraint for Christ's sake.
Q: Hey, as a girl I was wondering besides the obvious of acting like you want to be there, how to not be boring when he is on top.
A: Claw the first three layers of skin off his back. Moan like you've got a 44-inch dildo ramming your g-spot. Whisper naughty shit in his ear like “you're dick is so deep” or “hey, that feels pretty okay.”
Whatever you do, don't just lay there. Unless, of course, you hate the bastard and want to teach him a lesson about how much he sucks at pleasuring your stench trench. In that case, play dead for all I care.
Speaking of sex with women. Do ya want a boob GIF?
Not long before she'll be using her foot for that lotioning task, because those things are going to age like SHIT.
Q: Is there a WomanBible?
A: Yes, I believe it goes by the name “Good Housekeeping.”
Q: For many years I have been a big fan of the site and your column so I thought I'd finally ask a question. After graduating I was lucky enough to get a pretty decent job in the city and was having a great time enjoying post-college life, including numerous simultaneous, awesome and casual fuck-buddies. Then I moved to Europe for work and spent two years there, where I got into a serious relationship with a hot and really cool German girl from a small town. I would imagine that getting into a serious relationship tends to happen when you spend significant time in a new place and you find someone there who you are comfortable with… She didn't go to college and really wouldn't fit into any of the social groups I have back in the US as she was more of a snowboarder chick, but we did have a great time. She fell in love hard and I broke her heart real bad when I moved back to the city about 6 months ago. I honestly do feel bad about it – it sucks to hurt someone like that, but I had to do it… there never really is a right way to go about ending a relationship that just isn't going to work out, right? But I did it as best I could – and I made sure that she knew it was over, even though she couldn't really believe it, and a few weeks later I left. Anyways, as of my return to the city 6 months ago, I haven't quite enjoyed the full-extent of the success I experienced before Europe, but I'm happy to be back nevertheless. When we occasionally talk every few weeks, she still tells me she loves me, and I say the same back, even though I don't really love her for real. I feel bad about that, but I'm not good at handling this emotional shit as you can probably tell. Recently, she let me know that she has some vacation time, and wants to come visit me for a week. I told her yes but I don't want to hurt her even more by leading her on too much or something – as if maybe we will.
A: I appreciate your fandom, but after reading the remainder of your question, I'm not sure if you're being sincere or just telling me what I want to hear because my emotional fragility scares you. Just shoot me straight. I can handle disappoint; I've been a white male with an average-sized cock since forever.
Anyway, when it comes to this shit show you've got going on, you need to pull off that Band aid. Her wound (you know, the hatchet job you did to heart frail German heart) will never heal if you keep playing Band aid every week by talking to her on the phone. She needs to bleed out in order to move on. What you're doing is only causing her more pain.
You think she hangs up the phone with you and feels any better about the situation? I doubt it.
Talking to her on the phone and having her come visit you for a week's worth of cock, is only going to fuel her desire to get you back.
You're not feeling it right now, and that is NORMAL, but you never know what the future holds. Cut ties completely in the present so she doesn't despise you down the road for dragging her along. You never know, you might eventually realize German face is the love of your life. And if she isn't, at least you'll both be able to move on quicker.
Q: Not to sound gay or anything, but I want some guy friends. Just someone to chill out with and play video games and crap. The problem is, I've always mostly had girl friends, and I don't hang out with the guy “friends” I have. I'm pretty likable (I guess), so it's not a question of me being uncool or something. SO, should I ask a dude if he wants to hang out? How do I do it without sounding gay?
A: Not to sound gay or anything but why are you so concerned with sounding gay?
You want some guy friends. Some buddies. Some pals. Some like-minded bros to laugh at all the stories about your uncle Randy's racism. I get it.
If you want to ask one of your guy friends to hang out just shoot him a message like this: “Hey faggot [this slur will assuredly keep you from sounding gay], want to crush beers at my place tonight before going out? I'll get a bunch of dick-thirsty chicks over here and we'll rage [notice the crucial mention of female attendance to reiterate that you're invite is because you want to help him get laid and not suck his ball bag dry].”
I guess the real question that needs to be answered is: What is currently keeping you from having close relationships with your guy friends? Why are you not making an effort to hang out with them more? How hard is it to shoot another dude a text saying, “My place. 7pm. Madden. Beer per touchdown. Totally platonic. You in?” and go from there? I don't know. It doesn't seem like a terribly difficult task to me. When you figure those things out, you'll probably have your answer.
But until that “ah-ha!” moment arrives, you should probably start and end every paragraph with “not to sound gay or anything” just so you're not giving off the wrong impression.
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