Hey hotshot, want your brain to explode tonight? Of course you do, it's Cinco de Mayo. Don't chug tequila or throw back Tecate. Instead drink a pot of coffee, blow the snots from your nose, force out a turd, and then go have animal sex. And do it all back-to-back-to-back because according to the Dutch -- ahh, the Dutch -- any one of those activities could temporarily raise your risk of having a brain aneurysm. So combining them all only seems like the right thing to do -- kind of like Russian Roulette did till shit got real that one time.
Anyway, according to these researchers
, there are eigh main activities that can cause an increase in your odds of having some kind of brain explosion. They are below. Ya know, in case you don't want to die.
1. Coffee consumption (10.6 percent)
2. Vigorous physical exercise (7.9 percent)
3. Nose blowing (5.4 percent)
4. Sexual intercourse (4.3 percent)
5. Straining to defecate (3.6 percent)
6. Cola consumption (3.5 percent)
7. Being startled (2.7 percent)
8. Being angry (1.3 percent)
After further review, I'm f*cked. In fact, I'm usually guilty of doing all of these on a daily basis (as I assume most of you are) -- well maybe not #5; thanks to #1 that is usually a walk in the park, no stressful shits for this guy. But it seems to me what these Dutch experts are telling us to do is wake-up, park our asses on the couch, watch TV (but not scary movies or "Jersey Shore"), collect unemployment and then wellfare, eat and drink all the booze we want, and when the time is just right, take a shit.