Q: I just got out of a relationship (college relationships SUCK) and I have to try to salvage my whole girl experience without looking like a huge desperate tool. How fast should I be looking for a chick to come home and lay with? Or at least get a number?
A: How does immediately sound to you?
If the relationship ended amicably, of course you don’t want to look like a heartless bastard. That doesn’t mean you can’t be a heartless bastard, you just can't be front-facing about it. Meaning, if you and your ex are at the same bar or party, keep your genitalia at bay, or go somewhere else if you really need to get laid (and really, who doesn't? Time's tickin').
You can always throw all caution to the wind, but know that nothing favorable ever happens when you try to bring home another girl in the presence of your ex and her rabid friends. Even if you succeed in your mission — and the pack doesn't chew you to shreds right then and there — it won't be without having to do ample amounts of damage control the very next day while someone basically compares you to the devil. What I'm saying is, it's fine to get out there and pursue it carefully but whatever you do, don't shove it in your ex's face that other humans want your filthy dick inside them.
Q: Girls are always telling me I have sexy lips, what's one compliment you never get tired of hearing?
A: I always love it when chicks refer to my jizz as “nature's candy.”
That, by the way, was easily the stupidest question of the week, you should be ashamed of yourself. Unless, of course, you're a girl and those lips you're referencing aren't attached to your face. In that case, good job, good effort.
Q: Who's worse: the guy who leaves the shopping cart in the parking space or the pedestrian who walks too slowly when you let him cross the street?
And, in your opinion, how awful exactly are these guys?
A: Do you see the fundamental flaw in your question? Perhaps it was put in intentionally to catch me off guard, but it’s glaring, and it didn’t, and now I kind of want to touch myself in celebration.
Without a doubt, the bigger shitdick in your equation is the lazy, inconsiderate fuck that leaves the shopping cart in the parking space. Why? Because the second option, of the guy walking slowly across the street, is your fault. He’s an asshole for taking advantage of your kindness, but you’re the asshole that provided him with the option to do so.
First rule of life: never, EVER, give other people choices. Decide for them, because people are notoriously horrible and selfish when making decisions and 9 times out of 10 their going to pick the option that rams you right in the fucking ass.
That rule spans across all facets of life. From allowing that guy take his sweet time to cross the road to letting your girlfriend pick between having dinner at your favorite steak house or that new French restaurant she’s been dying to try (one-hundred percent of the time that’ll end in you eating a children’s sized 2 oz. filet instead of a 24 oz. rib eye). Never defer to someone else when you’re holding all the power, unless you love being disappointed.
Q: I've been hanging out with the classic “good girl” since this semester began. We met last year and after she broke up with a guy she dated briefly over the summer, she contacted me days later. We haven't defined the relationship, though I have hung out her/made plans with her alone, but I haven't officially called it a date. How do I take the next step? I'm sure you're thinking the next step is to grow a pair and ask her out, but I'm concerned because she is the type of girl who hangs out with a lot of guys because they create less drama than girls. How do I know I'm not just another bro she likes to chill with?
A: Contacting you when she became single and wanting to hang out with you privately might be great for most dudes (I'd personally take it as a green light to disrobe), but for guys who continuously get relegated to the friend zone it's the beginnings of another trip to hell. And I'd love to help but what you’ve left me with is insufficient information.
Have you made a move at all? A drunk make out? An over-the-pants finger blast? Have you done anything that impedes on her personal space without her insisting that you stop immediately? Or have the two of you just hung out? That type of information would have really aided me in this answer.
If your relationship with her has been nothing but plutonic, then I'd say you're nothing more than a friend to her. But that doesn't always mean she's against more. Maybe she is waiting for you to make a move?
Ultimately, yes, you're right, you do need to grow a dick and just ask her out. Do it soon, too. No matter what happens — and no matter what you say about not wanting to ruin your friendship — you know you don't want this chick as just a friend; asking her out will give clarity on what she wants and let you move on with your life if what she wants isn’t you. Prolonging the inevitable will only end in you being extra bitter and her thinking you're cool with being her shoulder to cry on once the next guy shatters her heart into a million pieces while leaving her vag in similar shambles.
Q: What do you do if you woke up one day and someone shaved off one of your eyebrows. Do you shave the other off or try to get a fake brow?
A: Someone's bragging about his weekend…
Any other hair-covered body part I'd say you have to bite the bullet and go completely hairless; impossible to walk around with one hairy leg or arm for two months, especially since it's still warm out. Plus, there are plenty of excuses for having shaved arms and legs, like you've just taken up swimming or you're going to the Jersey shore or you're dipping your toe in bi-curious waters.
That said, people without eyebrows look like they've been in a grease fire. And maybe I'm off the hinges with this choice but I think I'd rock the single brow. No penciling in on the other side either (you're not a chick), just a singular, sexual brow giving out all the vibes. Chicks will think you're such hot shit that you shaved one off to level the playing field.
My other reason for this irrational choice is if brow hair grows at the same clip as its cousin, nose hair, your eyebrow will be back to full-bush in no time and you won't have to worry about both sides growing back awkwardly.
Q: I’m a sophomore chick and I’m seeing a few guys here and there. They’re all really attractive and sweet but they all want to be my boyfriend. They don’t know that I’m seeing anyone else, but I’m not exclusive with any of these guys. I was under the impression that most guys especially around the age of twenty would avoid relationships like damn the plague. I was in a three-year relationship and it just ended about four months ago. I’m not ready to be anyone’s girlfriend. I’m in college, I’m really independent, I’m having fun, and I’m focusing on myself. In two ways I was very upfront with the guys I’m seeing. I told them that I don’t play mind games, and I don’t want a boyfriend. They appreciated the honesty but now I’m confused why they’re asking to be more. How do I tell them no without hurting or loosing them?
A: Did you write this just to make fat girls feel bad about themselves while reading my column? Don’t I do that enough? I mean, you know every fat chick reading this just turned to another member of her herd and said, “Can you believe this cunt, Beth? Complaining about how many guys want to date her?” (Fatties have such vulgar mouths, don’t they? Disgusting, really.)
Look, unless you’re lying about your situation, I’d venture to guess you’re a total babe across the board. Your looks are a 10. Your sex drive is off the charts. Your personality is top notch. You can craft a mighty sandwich. And even your jokes are serviceable in moderation (sorry, not even you can have it all). Does that sound like you? If yes, then basically you’re the girl guys break their “I don’t want a girlfriend” rule for. Only, you don’t want to be their girlfriend so now their desire just multiplied because we all love a good chase.
You operate like a guy, but you're dealing with guys, so I'm torn on the advice here. If you were, in fact, a person with a penis, I'd tell you to maintain your approach and keep them all in the dark about one another because chicks get butthurt rather easily and your whole house of cards could crumble leaving you with nothing to fuck but yourself. However, if I were one of the dudes sleeping with you, I'd want you to tell me, and not because my heart deserves to know, but because my dick does. Yeah, I'd be pissed, but I'd also take it as a green light to go bang other chicks. And that's certainly not the end of the world.