I am a joyless human being constantly looking for things to ruin my day. And in my joyless journey, I’ve discovered that it’s the everyday items and issues that annoy the most. Some of life’s necessities are nothing more than a hindrance to enjoying existence. The most glaring example is eating.That’s right. Eating is a giant f*cking waste of time. I’ll tell you why.

We’re animals. The baseline requirement for food is that it gives us energy. We eat to live. Without eating, we die. It’s a cold, dark, miserable world. ACCEPT THIS.

But somewhere in our evolution, we turned basic nutrition into a hedonistic release. It’s now as much of a pleasure-seeking endeavor as a survival mechanism. It became a drug. It replaces our unrealized sexual needs, interpersonal needs, and, really, anything else.

It’s because we’re weak and generally stupid. Not me, though. I get it. I eat to survive and to have the energy necessary to go about my day without falling face-first onto the street and having a taxi run over my skull.

The rest of you? I don’t know what you’re doing.

Food is a drain on economic resources. It’s a time suck. It’s a subversive barometer of the haves and the have-nots.

From a struggling college student who purchases a meal plan in lieu of surviving on Ramen noodles to a new parent who has to feed crying, hungry mouths, we’re all forced to pay through the nose in order to stuff our bellies. And really, it’s the worst investment of all time. You don’t buy food, you rent it. There is no long-term benefit to a $60 dinner for two. That’s out of your system in 24 hours, never to be seen again.

While I can appreciate the difference between a piece of moldy cheese and a delicious steak, I argue that our desire to have food taste “good” makes us blind to the fact that, in a cost-benefit analysis, it’s extremely illogical.

Look, I know this sounds stupid. But the next time you hear a girl describe every single f*cking meal they’ve ever eaten as “amazing,” think about what she’s saying. There’s no possible way that a grilled cheese is amazing. What’s amazing about it is that it’s satisfying that emptiness in your soul that is synapses telling your brain you need food, like, RIGHT NOW. It’s chemical. It’s science.

It’s cold and dark and clinical, not some brand of art.

I’ve long pined for nutrition to be available in the form of a single pill, taken in the morning, which provides all the necessary elements needed to survive. We’d save time, money (hopefully) and could tailor it to exact specifications. Eating healthy would be as simple as downing one pill a day. All our needs would be met. Please, scientists, let this become a thing.

My real question, though, is how many of you are on board with this plan? How many of you would gladly forgo the stress of purchasing and planning meals? How many of you think that experiencing food and flavor is the human thing to do and want no part of it?

Let’s make it more interesting. Let’s say that by taking this pill and adhering to this new system, you’d live to 100 and not physically age past 60. You’d be able to enjoy a somewhat active life for a century. If you chose to stay with the current system, you’d take your chances. Is flavor so important to you that you’d take years off your life to enjoy it?

And no, I don’t have some sort of eating disorder. A personality disorder? Well, that’s an entirely different issue.