Life
by Brandon Wenerd on May 13, 2014

Ninth-Gate-Satan-Ritual

THE ILLUMINATI IS REAL! THE ILLUMINATI IS REAL! I knew those spawn-of-Bilderberg Group devil worshippers were up to no good in Harvard Square. Every illuminati conspiracy theorist in the world right now is patting themselves on the back, screaming, “I ALWAYS KNEW YOU HAD TO MAKE A PACT WITH THE DEVIL TO GET INTO HARVARD.” Somewhere, huddling paranoid in an underground bunker, Alex Jones is losing his shit.

Harvard University is under fire after a Satanist group planned “a historical re-enactment of a black mass ceremony that has a narrator providing historical context and background.” Via Reuters:

The re-enactment will be performed by the Satanic Temple, a Satanist group that attracted attention earlier this year after it proposed the placement of a 7-foot (2.1-meter) tall statue of Satan next to an existing Ten Commandments monument in Oklahoma.

“Our purpose is not to denigrate any religion or faith, which would be repugnant to our educational purposes, but instead to learn and experience the history of different cultural practices,” the club said.

Oh, so Satan worship is the hot new thing to do in Cambridge? Must play out something like this:

Harvard Frat Geek 1: “What are you up to this weekend?”

Harvard Frat Geek 2: “Oh, you know… Was gonna hit up AEPi’s Tour de Franzia, maybe flirt with some KKGs… You?”

Harvard Frat Geek 1:  ”Think about hitting up this bitchin‘ Satanic worship thing that’s happening on the quad.”

Harvard Frat Geek 2: “Oh, yeah, the black mass party? I’m down. BYOB?”

Harvard Frat Geek 1: “I’ll make the bloody marys. Those DGs are into some kinky shit these days.”

Of course, people in Bah-staaahn didn’t take Harvard’s casual approach to devil worship very kindly:

The Archdiocese of Boston has voiced sharp criticism of the planned re-enactment, calling on its faithful to pray for those involved and on Harvard to disassociate itself from the event.

“The Catholic community in the Archdiocese of Boston expresses its deep sadness and strong opposition to the plan to stage a ‘black mass’ on the campus of Harvard University in Cambridge,” the Archdiocese said in a statement posted on Facebook.

It said the church was clear in its teachings about Satanic worship, and that such activity “separates people from God and the human community, it is contrary to charity and goodness, and it places participants dangerously close to destructive works of evil.”

A spokesman for the Archdiocese, Terrence Donilon, added in an email on Friday: “In the strongest terms possible we reject any attack on the Eucharist,” the ceremony in which bread and wine are consecrated and consumed.

Meanwhile, the Harvard president said in a statement that it’s their right to do what they want:

statement from Drew Faust, president of Harvard University on Monday had decried the initial decision to host the black mass as “highly offensive” and “abhorrent,” but maintained that it was their right to do so.

All the hubbub caused it to be canceled:

Early Monday evening Lucien Greaves, spokesman for the Satanic Temple, told The Boston Globe that the event had to be cancelled because they no longer had a venue.

“Everyone involved, outside of the Satanic Temple, got really scared,” said Greaves. “And I don’t necessarily blame them, because I understand that they were getting a lot of vitriolic hate mail, and I don’t think they expected it.”

Well, sorta. Looks like they found a venue after all: The top of a Chinese restaurant. Turns out illuminati satan-worship at the most prestigious school in the world isn’t as glamorous as one would believe. About 50 weirdos showed up, according to the Christain Post:

According to a report in The Harvard Crimson, however, the satanic group held what appeared to be a black mass on the second floor or the Hong Kong restaurant and lounge shortly after 10 p.m. Monday.

“About 50 people, mostly dressed in black and some wearing face makeup, were present for the ceremony. A consecrated host, believed by Catholics to be the body of Christ, was not used in the ritual,” noted the report.

“Four individuals in hoods and one man in a white suit, a cape, and a horned mask were active in the proceedings, as well as a woman revealed to be wearing only lingerie. The ceremony began with a narration on the history underlying Satanism and the black mass ritual,” it added.

Yawn. I’m sure the nerds in the dungeons and dragons club at Harvard have had crazier ragers.

Harvard isn’t even on Oklahoma’s level and never will be.

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Brandon Wenerd

About Brandon Wenerd...

Brandon Wenerd is BroBible's senior editor, guru of @brotips, and director of strategic partnerships. He joined BroBible in the fall of 2009 after graduating from Penn State. When he’s not writing, Brandon enjoys fishing, Phish, Philly sports, Dewey Beach, supporting live music, hot sauce, and beer. E-mail him with post ideas and news tips: brandon@brobible.com.