Things Aren’t Open As Late In The Real World
Now that you’re not in a college-infested town it’s hard to find a pizza place open past midnight, let alone any other conveniences that you may need after 10PM. I know you may be thinking, “Why would I be up at that hour on a weeknight anyway you invalid?!” and I would reply, “1. Don’t call me an invalid and 2. Sometimes you need some shaving cream and a box of hot pockets at 11PM so you can groom and eat tomorrow.” And when you realize that there are no 24-hour Wal-Green’s within a 10-mile radius, it sucks and you miss college.
Girls Aren’t As ‘Hot/Willing’ In The Real World
Remember all those amazing socials where 7 out of every 10 girls was single and really hot? And about 5 of those 7 girls would probably be willing to have sex with you? That doesn’t happen in the real world. When you go to a bar, the odds are drastically worse. We’re talking 4 out of every 10 girls at a bar might be hot and 0.5 out of those 4 girls would be willing to have sex with you. This is a regional thing of course, if you live in NY or LA you might find that girls are even hotter in the real world but significantly less likely to sleep with you unless you have money.
Weekends Aren’t As Fun In The Real World
Remember how in college you would start drinking on Friday at 3:30PM and go hard until 7AM Saturday morning only to pass out for 3 hours and then start drinking again at 10AM for College Gameday? You’ll look back on those days and say things like, “I used to do WHAAAT?” A fun weekend will be spent catching up on stuff you couldn’t do during the week, like sleep, laundry and every single show on Netflix. It seems might seem like a miserable existence, but just accept it as fate, especially when and if you have a girlfriend.
Statistically there is about a 12% chance that you will walk out of college and into a job. You will probably be unemployed for a period of time and you will learn how quickly unemployment sucks. It’s a horrible thing because for about 1 week, it’s sort of awesome; just hanging out with friends who also don’t have jobs while going out and not having to worry about classes. But as you bleed money and get bored of spending your days on Facebook dot com, the amount of time you spend on Craigslist and Indeed looking for work will grow exponentially. Until you have a job you hate and wish you were unemployed.
“This. Fucking. BLOWS.”
Work is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Assuming you get a job right out of college, this will become VERY APPARENT. We’ve all had schedules where we only took classes on M-W-F or the truly poetic Tue & Thur schedule, so when you have to go to a place for 8 hours, 5 times a week, it will beg the same question every day, “Is this life?” It’s like a never-ending machine of shit that you hate to do and it happens EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Unless you land the exact perfect job that you dreamed of, you’ll be amazed at how depressing the monotony of a Real world job can be.
You Will Pay Your Own Bills Or Ruin Your Credit
Remember how you had those things called student loans, and how they paid for all your beer, food and drugs for four years? Well now you owe all that money back plus some juice. Oh and if you don’t pay, they’ll mouth-f*ck your credit so you can’t buy a car, or lease an apartment, or get a mortgage and sometimes they’ll even garnish your terrible wages so they can get their fat, greasy hands on your hard earned money. On top of your student loans, this is usually the point when mommy and daddy cut you loose so you get to pick up your phone bill, your new real person rent and any other good or service that requires a monthly installment. Now here’s the best part, THIS WILL LAST FOREVER UNTIL YOU DIE.
It’s a mean world out here, but at some point you’re going to have to sack up and stake your claim. You’ll miss college and all the incredible times you had, but just know that it took those experiences to make you, who you are today…someone who wishes they were still in college.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who misses those days in college when all he had to do was drugs. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.