Halloween is a special time of year. The air is crisp yet refreshing, candy is considered an essential food group, tricks and treats abound, and all of your friends dress up like dumb assholes.
Yes, it’s always fun to make fun of other people’s costumes, but you know what’s not fun? Actually being one of those assholes on Halloween. So, in order to help you out and keep your Halloween asshole free, here are nine costumes you absolutely want to avoid on Halloween this year.
Any Couples Costume
This is never a good idea. Never. You don’t look cute, you look possibly deranged. And you really, really don’t look like a good, caring supportive boyfriend. You just look like you are whipped beyond saving, literally letting your girlfriend dress you. I mean, if you’re letting her dress you up like a fucking doll on Halloween, what are you letting her do behind the scenes, so to speak? Of course, the whole couples costume could be your idea, I guess, but that is a scenario too heinous to truly contemplate.
Batman
Apparently, Batman is the most popular costumes for adults – excuse me, “adults” – this Halloween, which makes sense, I guess, given the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie, but really, this is a costume that is popular every year, and it’s popular because pipsqueaks think that the costume makes them look all swole. That’s because it’s essentially a muscle suit. Here’s the problem with that: you know who doesn’t wear a muscle suit on Halloween? Dudes with actual muscles. You’re basically announcing to the world that you’re an insecure pee-wee, and that is not a good look, on Halloween or any day.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Bros, the Captain Jack character is 12 years old now. This needs to stop. And yet, there’s at least one asshole every Halloween who thinks he’s a cool, sexy pirate. It’s a sad thing. You might as well be the dude who goes as Austin Powers or Borat.
Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Etc.
To be honest, I’m kind of afraid to say anything here, and if I’m afraid to even write about it, it’s probably not a good idea for a Halloween costume. Sure, you can roll your eyes all you want at PC culture run amok and laugh at the Twitter/Tumblr Coalition of the Willing about to rain down on your ass once you show up on Instagram dressed as a political firestorm, but why even take the chance? It’s just an asshole move designed to provoke people.
Caitlyn Jenner
Look, I get it. People need to chill about costumes, and need to check their outrage, but you still shouldn’t go as Caitlyn Jenner. Why? Forget all the sensitivity training shit. This is an asshole move because it’s just fucking unoriginal. This is the sort of thing dumb people do when they think they’re being “clever” and “creative.” It’s not. It’s just about the most clichéd thing you can do this Halloween, and when you add in the dumb outrage you might stir up, it’s pretty much just an asshole costume.
Bill Cosby
Again, it’s clichéd, but more than that, do you really want to be the dude who dresses up as a literal date rapist for your Halloween party? Think this through, bros.
Jared Fogle
This is the Bill Cosby costume times one million. Do you really want to be the dude who answers the door for Trick or Treaters dressed up as a literal child rapist? Really think this through, bros.
Donald Trump
Besides it too being clichéd this one is really pretty simple: if you don’t want to look like an asshole on Halloween, you should probably avoid going dressed as one of the biggest assholes on the planet. A Donald Trump costume is the same thing as an asshole costume, only the hair around a literal asshole is nicer than Donald’s. And the sounds it makes are more intelligent.
Any Costume At All
Let’s face it, there’s a lot that can go wrong with just about any Halloween costume these days. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to offend some special snowflake and bring down the wrath of The Internet on your poor, ignorant head. Dress as a lion? Oops, the Cecil fanatics are going to take you out dentist style. Go as a soldier? You war glorifying monster! A cop? Child killer! A construction worker? Quit glorifying stereotypical gender roles, you patriarchist!
It’s kind of hard to enjoy Halloween when you have to constantly worry that you’re marginalizing entire cultures or professions or genders or sexualities or… you get the point. Now, I’m not saying that you should just revel in your own ignorance either and gleefully mock people that maybe have it pretty rough. That’s also an asshole move.
So what are you supposed to do? I guess you could just go as yourself, but then you’d probably just be accused of supporting “bro culture” whatever the fuck that is, and brought before a tribunal on the nearest college campus. You could go as a ghost, but then you’d be marginalizing the dead and you know that’s problematic as fuck.
I suggest just staying home and avoiding the whole cultural quagmire that’s become Halloween altogether, but then again, you’d probably just be accused of making fun of people with agoraphobia. The only winning move, like with nuclear war, is not to play. Then again, that would just be marginalizing both Hiroshima survivors and those traumatized by the movie War Games, and also Matthew Broderick, and…
Halloween costumes image by Shutterstock