My facial hair game is arguably the weakest of all my friends. Besides an army of stray pubes all over the corners of my cheeks, I can’t grow much of a uniform mustache or beard. Maybe I should’ve woofed down testosterone pills as a teen until my balls shriveled up, or maybe God just had it out for me during my pubescent years.
I’m reminded of this cruel genetic mistake each year when Movember rolls around and every guy rocks his own fierce facial hair to raise awareness for men’s health issues, such as prostate cancer. That’s the official cause behind Movember, whereas the real reason everyone participates is to see who’s brimming with enough testosterone to produce the most pedophiliac mustache of all time. Combine that with this wardrobe addition and you’ll be catching distressing looks from parents in no time.
So what does Movember mean for bros like me who can’t revel in the glory of Fu Manchus, chinstraps, and handlebars? How can we win a game we can’t even play? What do these 30 days say about our place in man’s glorified history?
Well, nothing. We can’t grow fucking beards, so we’re essentially icons of emasculation. BUT most of us can get pretty damn close, and there are ways to make our hair growth appear effortless when, in reality, we’re meticulously landscaping every inch of our face.
Some of the most legendary men of all time didn’t have the sturdiest lip wigs to flaunt all over the place, so our best course of action would be to emulate them as closely as possible. If you’re more on the dark and whiskery end of the spectrum, go for a Secret Window-era Johnny Depp look. Always seize an opportunity to turn your sloppily thin hairs into a handsome masterpiece.
Of course, handsome isn’t always attainable. In fact, that’s rarely the case, unless you actually look like the attractive celebrity you’re striving to imitate. By no means do you want to accidentally pull off the creepy Michael Cera stache. Then again, who in their right mind would ever try to look like Michael Cera in the first place?
If you don’t have someone in mind you want to mirror, pause for a moment and ponder the fundamental ways you can really highlight your attributes. Whether you can sport a full beard or only half a goatee, there’s one universal way to always accentuate your little flavor-savers: keep your haircut clean and short. The neater you keep the hair on top of your head, the more you can get away with elsewhere because the simple hairdo shifts the focus to your snide grimacing face.
Hopefully, there will be a day when we can grow muttonchops with so much ease that we can look back and laugh at all the stupid advice I gave you just now. Or maybe we’ll just continue to be hairless mistakes. It’s okay, though. We’re all evolutionary missteps in one way or another.