The Bros did their list of ways to get laid yesterday, so today I'm coming back with the four guys who, under any and all circumstances, should not be getting laid ever.
1. The Guy Who Starts Bar Fights
We get it…you love the Jets—you haven’t shut the fuck up about it since 3:30 when I ordered my fifth beer. But when you try to smash a bottle over a Dolphins fan’s head mid-game, none of us are turned on (even that waitress you just hit on—who by the way, is actually a dude.) Fistfights haven’t been cool since Westside Story, unless you’re defending your grandmother’s honor when your uncle __’s her at Thanksgiving. Cheer, chug and bro out all you want---but just remember, a dude rarely scores after engaging in an unprecedented battle for the most loyal sports fan.
2. Guy Who Tries to Hide His Height with His Wingspan
That’s right little man…you know who you are. 5’2’, mildly extensive collection of Ed Hardy, a plethora of conveniently “thick-soled” sneakers…though you average eight hours a week in the gym, you’re still spending as many on EHarmony trying to think of the best way to enhance your “average” height. I’m not saying you’re shit out of luck in the love department, but quit holding your arms out like a set of wings---we can tell how tall you actually are, and maybe if you quit obsessing over it for a second we’ll take our heels off long enough to give you a chance.
3. Selfies Guy
Ugh…this guy. He’s practiced becoming ambidextrous just so he can drink and take pictures at the same time-- and we fucking hate it. I don’t care if you’re at the Statue of Liberty or flexing in the mirror, there is nothing sexy about taking pictures of yourself. It’s egotistical, embarrassing, and just fucking awkward. In a situation where you really need to document a situation, for god’s sake—ask someone to take it for you. Everyone knows how to snap the button. Otherwise, just let girls take care of it for you—between instagram and overpriced cameras, we’ve got your “good” side covered.
4. Newsboy Cap Guy
Seriously? As if your vest-without-jacket wasn’t bad enough? There are few things that turn me on less than this crass attempt at a fashion statement. I find it entirely unacceptable unless you’re a baby or a grandpa, and let’s be honest—neither of them are getting laid.