Q: Hey there – What is up with guys telling a lesbian they just haven’t fucked the right guy yet? I’m a super feminine lesbian woman. I put a lot of care in my appearance, work out almost every day, and would be rated a solid 10. When I go out I’m only hit on by guys, and you would think when I tell them I’m a lesbian they would back off, but it only seems to make them pursue me even more. What’s the best way to get a guy to leave me alone? Should I omit the whole lesbian excuse (which, in my case, is actually the truth) altogether?
A: Whoa. Pump the breaks for a moment, Lipstick Lezzy. You can't call yourself a walking spice rack, a fucking hard, LESBIAN 10, without sending me some kind of photo evidence. There's goddamn protocol here, lady.
That said, welcome to planet earth, where every woman-living Bro thinks his cock is the cure for the common lesbian. The fact that you are a 10 (allegedly) and a lesbian makes you the ultimate conquest. What part of that obvious reality are you missing? You know what kind of bragging rights come attached to sleeping with you? Not to mention the permanent pardon a guy will receive for every fatty he's been with?
So of course telling guys you're a lesbian is not a turn off. You're the Superbowl, World Series, NBA Finals and Masters rolled into one. Fucking you is instant Hall of Fame status. If you don't like the constant pursuit, I suggest you find a new excuse to tell these guys. Saying you have herpes or HIV will probably do the trick.
Q: If Roger Goodell made a rule where players had to play all three sides/aspects of the game (similar to rugby rules) AND decided to re-draft the league AUCTION-style, who is the MVP of the league the first year?
A: First, I'd like to acknowledge what a magnificent fuckin' prick you are; your little scenario just put punters and place kickers on the street, out of a job, forcing them to fend for themselves like savages, having to become country club golf professionals to feed their families. Heartless, yet, beautiful.
So now that those derelicts are gonzo, who wins the MVP?
Let’s start with who doesn’t win it.
Of all the offensive skill positions, I think running back would benefit the least from having to play on both sides of the ball. Their career and expected lifespan would be cut in half — right into the shitter with their post-football quality of life. Total flush job.
Offensive linemen would also be initially fucked, thanks to fatigue. But there is a light at the end of that tunnel: having to play both sides of the ball, and dudes taking massive in-game coronaries would eventually shrink the required size to play the position.
Lastly, I also think it is slightly easier to transition from offense to defense so I’m of the opinion that no current defenders would be vying for the MVP if they had to also play offense. J.J. Watt is a beast, but can he actually play tight end or not be totally gassed from his quarterback killin' duties? I have my doubts.
That leaves us with WRs and QBs.
While I think big, physical WRs like Calvin Johnson can dominate on both sides of the ball, I’m still going to argue that a player like Cam Newton or Colin Kaepernick would be the MVP. My rational is simple: both are big enough and probably talented enough to play safety on defense, and quarterback is still the most protected position in the NFL, so they wouldn't be subjected to the same abuse on every play that a running back or wide receiver is. Also, unlike Vick and RGIII they don’t seem to break as easily.
Hey! Here's a gif.
Q: I work in a restaurant as server and I along with the another guy who is some church boy type dude from bum fuck no where America and are the only two dudes amongst a good size of women working there. What in your honest opinion is the best way to handle working with women in the workplace and if you are attracted to one how do you go about maybe becoming “friends”?
A: I don't know what you mean by “how do I handle it?” Are speaking in generalities like how do I act like myself while having to interact with babes all day? Or are you trying to say how do I handle the sexual urges one experiences when entrenched in a foxhole with the opposite sex for nine straight hours?
The former is easy. Like all new work relationships I approach it with extreme caution. Eventually most people open up and you can drop some questionable (see: awesome) comments, but there are always lines you don't cross. Believe it or not, even in this office we have boundaries. People know I'm the offensive guy who likes to toss vulgarities around recklessly, but that doesn't make it ok for me to ever say, “Mornin', Cunt. This coffee fresh?”
Not that I would ever say that even if I could, but you catch my drift.
Now, if your talking about the latter A) you're a weirdo and B) please refer to A.
Q: Who would you rather be for a day: Justin Timberlake or Robin Thicke?
A: Timberlake. No contest.
Spending one day as someone is a short ass period of time, but JT has more money than Thicke (which I'd wire myself tons of first thing in the morning) and after that I'd spend the rest of the day on, under, and inside of Biel.
Q: I need some urgent advice. I have an ex who is currently living in a foreign country. We broke up a hand full of years ago, but kept in contact over the years. Now things are heating up again between us and we both realized that we are still quite into each other. The thing now is that I'm going to visit her in a few weeks, even staying at her place. Now that is good so far, however, she has a bf at the moment who she loves. I am planning on moving closer to her in about a year time, so now my question is: How much am I allowed to do when I'm at hers? I know for a fact that she's into me, but also loves her bf. We spoke about this several times before and she also knows about my feelings for her.
Would it be a stupid move to go for more, and if how much more? Or should I wait until I move closer to her to get a real chance?
She's smoking hot, intelligent and so on, the full package, that's why I need your well-received advice.
A: Such an awesome idea, dude. You should totally go through with it. I love guys who go around shitting on another man's property. Even better if said property is as emotionally stable as this chick. It's all going to workout for you. I CAN FEEL IT! She'd never do to you what she's currently doing behind his back to him. People don't ever follow patterns like that, especially chicks who waffle over loving two guys at once. Definitely pick up your entire life and move closer to her. The sooner the better, is what I say. Really get involved with this love triangle. Explore it liberally.
Move over everything else, because by a landslide — as far as the goddamn eye could see — this is the best decision of your life.
Um yeah… About all that…