Life
by David Covucci on August 14, 2013

“Yea… cool,” might be what you’d say.

Yet, purchasing women’s underwear is a task strictly performed by women. I don’t understand. Any lady is comfortable strolling into Macy’s and picking up a three-pack of Calvin Klein boxer-briefs because she finds her current boyfriend’s underwear situation deplorable.

But when the average man saunters into Victoria’s Secret to snag some sexy panties for his girlfriend, he’s greeted by faces typically reserved for scrolling through an online registry of sex offenders. 

Now, I don’t have a girlfriend to purchase neon orange thongs for, but I still wanted to see what the experience was like. Maybe give some pointers about how to do it. So I swung by my local Vicky Seeks with the intention of buying some panties. And here’s a list of how not to do that, because by the time I left, mall security was about to ask me for identification.

I’m not good at stuff.

Don’t drink beforehand: I thought it made sense to pregame with a few beers since most things are both better and easier with alcohol. But I forgot how fancy and frilly and proper that store is. It’s like being drunk inside a palace. That you weren’t invited in to. It’s not enjoyable walking near people with a slightly buzzed gait. And in the close quarters, everyone can smell the booze on you. People begin to wonder if you are the type of person who gets sauced up and says “Let’s go look at some panties!” Which in my case I am.

Don’t go alone: Bring a friend. That way you look like a person who other members of society are okay interacting with on a regular basis. As long as you aren’t 17, people will assume the two of you are there for legitimate reasons. “Oh, he brought a friend because he feels awkward in here.” That’s normal. Roll up by yourself and you look like the loner whose internet went out and thought his next best option was to jack off at the mall.

Don’t dress like a slob: The aura you want to project is “respectable business male with serious girlfriend,” and not “degenerate.” So maybe don’t do what I did and show up in unwashed mesh shorts which may or may not have a faint jizz stain on them and fingers covered in hot sauce because you’d just eaten wings and aren’t great at washing your hands. No one wants to see that dude anywhere, let alone in an intimate garments boutique.

Don’t touch the underwear: This is not like picking perfectly ripe fruit. You don’t get to hoist and caress and you certainly can’t smell the product. It doesn’t matter if you see females picking up panties left and right. No women deserves to own a pair of underwear that once had the inside palmed by a strange man. Not that I did that.

Don’t ignore the staff: If they ask if you want help, say yes. Explain why you are there. They will be glad to offer assistance. Say “Naw, I’m alright,” and look away and you seem like you are worried they might be on to you.

Don’t ask the how the lingerie works: If it seems confusing, it’s… it’s whatever. It’s probably hot so just buy it. You might be genuinely interested in its clasps and buckles, but you’ll come across as the guy who went there just to see if he could trick employees into putting a bra on over their tee shirt.

Don’t linger: When it starts to feel like you’ve been there too long, you’ve been there too long. And if you don’t find anything, don’t buy some sort of courtesy lotion or shit. That just seems like you feel ashamed you went and are covering for your actions.

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