Guys. Gals, too! Sure, you can join us. Come close. Closer. Can you feel my lips against your ear? No? What about metaphorically? Good. I need you close because this is a secret I’m only going to share with you.
It’s so good. As soon as you hear it you’ll think you went to some marshmallow candy heaven where every meal consists of whiskey-soaked s’mores and Sliders was never cancelled.
Are you ready?
IT’S BREAKUP SEASON.
What is breakup season, you ask? Well, sit down in front of me—Indian-style, please—and allow Uncle Me to tell you everything you need to know.
You see, in the summer, people form couples. That’s what happens. Like, it’s really nice out and everyone wants to hit it with regularity. Have you ever spent a warm night at a rooftop bar then gone home and gotten laid? The best. Ever go to a rooftop bar then headed home to jack off while your dog watches from the foot of your bed? Not the best. That’s why people start pairing off when the weather turns warm. In May it’s all I will bang you and you will bang me. And then, after a few months of sweaty screwing—unless you have air-conditioning (why don’t you have air-conditioning?)—you are dating.
Which is great because fall is the best time for relationships. Everyone looks cute in sweaters. There’s cider to share. You can go hiking together and look at leaves. Can’t look at leaves with your boys. Naw, looking at leaves is gay, bro. But with a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, it’s wonderful. They are maroon and auburn and crinkly and squee.
Then it’s couples’ costumes! You be Starsky and I’ll be Hutch. But you can’t be a girl Starsky. You have to be guy Starsky. We have to do it right. Then, before you know it, you let it slip that your parents are coming for Thanksgiving and maybe you should come. Don’t worry, they’re cool. They like to booze and I’m gonna make all the sides. Plus, you’re like my girlfriend, right? I want you to, you know, lol, meet my folks.
Then no one can break up after Thanksgiving because Christmas is coming and you really think you are going to get the touchscreen gloves you’ve had your eyes on for months. Now, it’s almost New Year’s and have you ever tried to find someone to kiss on New Year’s? You have to walk around the party and not spill your drink and act not skeevy and all of a sudden it’s like hey I don’t know you but Ryan Seacrest is counting and you’re next to me so kisses please?
So much easier to have a significant other. Then it’s almost Valentine’s Day and how can you break up with someone before that? Anyway, it’s cold outside and I just want to stay in and do on demand so why wouldn’t I date someone? She let me watch Taken 2 even though she hates Liam Neeson.
You still with me? Good. Because guess what? It’s almost March and March is rainy and 40 and in like a lion but not like a lamb and every tenuous couple is starting to plan their summers and are like ugh, I’m really attending four weddings with them? Everyone’s going to ask how long we’ve been dating and it’s a year—my god we’ve been dating for a fucking year? Plus, should I really spend my one week off in the Outer Banks with her? We’re just going to fight the whole time.
Which is why every couple you know is about to break up. This isn’t hyperbole. They’re all gonna be like shit, do I really want to do this? And now is the perfect time to do it, what with two months to get the beach bod back and have you ever been single at a rooftop bar in the summer? It’s the best. Nothing like when you were at that rooftop bar with your girlfriend and had to be like, no honey, I don’t even like sundresses.
So do you see what I’m getting at? The market is about to be inundated with newly single people. And us, those who have been patiently waiting, it’s about to be our March Madness or our Hajj, only with less kneeling down and praying and more going on dates and having sex.
You are about to see (COLON ALERT): Girls who want to bang to get back at their ex for being dumped; and ladies, you will see men desperate to please just to get laid again. Everyone will be saying I’m not ready for a relationship to which you can say don’t worry neither am I.
Everyone. Will be there for your taking. It’s about to be a goddamn carnival town except instead of tilt-a-whirls there will be blowjobs and the loop-de-loop is how we get down.
Don’t believe me? Just wait and watch and see. In the next two weeks, everyone you meet at the bar will tell you they just got out of a relationship, to which you can respond with whatever you think they want to hear.
“I think we should take it slow, too.”
“I’m up for some no strings attached light bondage, even though that sounds counterintuitive.”
So single folks, get ready. You are about to reap the benefits of a long and brutal winter. It’s your time to shine. Go get ‘em tiger.
RAWR.
Follow @DavidCovucci
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[Breakup image via Shutterstock]