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What Do Chicks Really Think About a Bro Who Doesn’t Last Long In Bed, Plus Other Infallible Advice

By / 09.04.13

Q: I'll admit, I tend to not last as long as I (or the ladies I hook up with) would like. However I always make a point to finish off the girl after and/or before I do with other methods, which I dare say I'm pretty good at. In a girl's mind does that make up for not being a marathon runner in the sack? Is it just a consolation prize unaffecting her disappointment? Curious to hear your thoughts.

A: Frankly, I consider that gesture to be noble as shit. Sure she might be a little frustrated if you cum in two minutes flat then roll over and start snoring. Thats fucking annoying and will not send her running back for more, ever. Instead she'll be running to the biddie batphone to gossip and bitch about how much your hookup sucked. These are the sort of events that will slowly send your dick into bankruptcy. Terrible for business.

But if you finish your side of things then roll her over to give her the orgasm of her life, nobody's complaining- no matter what method it happens by. In fact she might even prefer it that way. A for motherfucking effort; no teddies bears or miscellaneous consolation prizes needed. Just try to see it all the way through every once in a while for good measure.

Q: Me and my girlfriend have been together for two years. We had a pretty good sex life when we were only seeing each other on weekends. But after I moved in with her it almost came to a stop. She blames it on her anxiety and says it's not my fault. I've tried everything to be romantic but it just doesn't seem to work. She'd rather go grocery shopping then have sex and always has an excuse but yet she's talking about marriage. There are so many mixed signals I get confused. How do I handle this? I've tried sitting down and talking about it in a calm gentle manner but she just breaks down and starts crying? It's getting to the point where it's affecting my own sex drive and usual romantic tendencies. A man can only be shot down so many times before he says screw it.

A: Well. This is just one of those situations that I can't really find a funny angle on. Homegirls got some real issues which by association have also become your own. I will however work the positive side by pointing out that she clearly still loves and cares about you. This is a good thing, which you can deduce by the fact that she's still dating and remaining faithful to you- even though the faithfulness doesn't include you getting laid. Doesn't feel great, but could definitely feel worse.
This is also one of those situations which requires getting directly to the root of the problem rather than dancing around or ignoring it.

Again- not fun. But I'm pretty confident that you're committed to this relationship, so unless you're considering joining a convent you need to get this shit straight. If your girl is calling it anxiety…that's probably not a front. Encourage her to address her issue head on by seeking help- yes, therapy- and let her know you support her in doing so. These types of problems should not be left to the wayside; so difficult as it may be, give her the push of encouragement she clearly needs.

Q: So. My first time going down on a lady didn't go as swimmingly as planned( she period'd while I was mid-lick.) Ick.

But now I'm in a long term relationship and my lady-friend wants me to go down on her and she thinks she's given me ample time to get over my first experience, but i'm just not ready….what do I do?

Yours truly, Guy #1

A: So you bit into a rare steak when you ordered it well-done. Is that gonna stop you from ever ordering a steak again? Let me answer that for you- definitely fucking not. And what if that steak were providing you with substantial, sexual pleasure on a regular basis- would you refuse to return the favor?
I think you get the picture now.

Everybody's bitten into one of those raspberry liquor truffles thinking it was caramel inside, and nobody enjoys it.

It's shocking and momentarily upsetting but alas, we move forward. As…somebody says, live and let bleed. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the female menstrual cycle but to be clear, a woman gets a visit from Aunt Flo for no more than one week out of the entire month. If you're also familiar with basic math you now realize that the chance of this mishap occurring again is not high and therefore in your favor. In summary: stop reading this trash and go down on your deprived girlfriend immediately. Don't surface for at least 24 hours.

Q: Hey babe, so I'm a transfer from the UK and we don't grind much in the club. I know it is popular in the US. How do you approach a girl to grind, do you ask like other dances or just move in?

A: Similar to ballroom or square dancing, grinding requires a great deal of practice, skill and finesse. You have to be quick on your feet with a horny-girl radar and basic rhythm. You'll also need 4-8 alcoholic beverages in your system.

Now you're ready.

The coolest and most accurate part about all of this for you, foreign breau is that no matter how dumb or pigeon-footed you may be, your accent will actually be all you need. American girls drop trou at the sound of a non-American accent (“Oh my god, I think he's like…from Europe or something..”).  Call your dad and thank him. Thank your mom while you're at it too. L8r.

Q: If you could trade lives with one dude, who would it be and why? (Celebrity or otherwise)

A: This question could lead to a number of different answers; but I believe the two most important sectors to divide it into are looks and life. If the swap was based solely on appearance, I would clearly swap bodies with Ryan Gosling.

Because who, the fuck, else do you swap bodies with if you have the option?!? I'd get mirrors attached to all my walls and ceilings and walk around in the nude all god damn day long; giving myself high fives as I passed. He's all that is man. However I'm really not positive how much fun he has in his personal life, and I feel like he has a kind of social responsibility to behave according to general expectations and I'm just not that into that.

And for that reason, if this were a lifestyle swap, I'd get into my low-riding Cadillac en route to the ghetto with blunts in my hand and my first album on the radio– and send Snoop Dog packing to my overpriced New York apartment.

Seriously. Can you think of anyone who has a better time or better hair than Snoop motherfucking Lion, formerly known as the Dog? If you can, please send me your rebuttal for my consideration.

On second thought, don't even bother. There's really no debating here.

Church.

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