I’ve been debating about writing this on BroBible for some time now, but I know I have to, I know my story must be told…
I was going into my senior year of high school and like every guy high school teenager, I was trying to pound poon and get with as many sluts as possible. Me and all my boys were vacationing in Ocean City, NJ and wanted to go to the John Mayer concert all the way out in Camden. (That’s where we go for our concerts, ghetto I know). We all got bus tickets and headed to the tailgate 7 hours before the concert started.
Lets fast-forward 5 hours, 2 Four Lokos and 12 beers deep late, and I was the drunkest teenager on this planet. Luckily, I didn’t get alcohol poisoning but my brother wasn’t looking to hot. My boys and I had to carry him to a bench on the waterfront when I saw a familiar face to the corner of my eye, will call her Lisa.
I met Lisa while in Ocean City literally the week before on the boardwalk hammered, 2 nights later I plowed her on 28th street beach at 3 am. I didn’t know she was even going to be there, but hey, I love a little surprise! Anyways my brother is puking and is causing a scene, but I need to get laid, right? So I get my boys to watch my bro and take her somewhere to f*ck.
Unfortunately, for anyone that has every tailgated a Camden concert, there is nowhere to go, at all. Until I looked up at a beautiful blue sculpture, the Ben F*cking Franklin Bridge. We scurried under the bridge where we immediately got into a standing up doggie style position, I had to hurry one up since my brother was dying on a damn bench so I pounded her and blew one on her ass, and told her to have a nice summer, never heard from her again.
It gets… better. After retrieving my brother and carrying him to the ferry to go back on the bus at 30th street station to travel back to Ocean City, I see “Rebecca”. Rebecca went to my high school and we’ve always had a flirting relationship but have never hooked up, until today. She’s not that hot either, but then again I’m a hammered high school student who doesn’t give a f*ck about consequences, so, f*ck it.
We get on the ferry, my brother is still puking and once again like the loving brother I am, I leave him on a bench to enjoy the ride while Rebecca and I take a trip to the only bathroom on the ferry for some hook up time. Hook up time turned to blow me time which led to some dude walking in on us, I quickly gave him the bro eye and he knew, so he walked back out and I locked the door.
I came to this concert with 2 condoms so I may as well use them all! She tosses me on the toilet and starts riding me like a cowgirl. Rebecca began screaming “CUM IN ME, CUM IN ME” which led to people knocking on the door asking if everyone inside was okay. Remember I literally blew a nut on Lisa’s ass 30 minutes earlier under a goddamn bridge in one of the worse cities in the United States. Somehow, someway, I came; I threw the condom off into the trashcan, told her to have a good summer and bounced.
1) A bunch of dudes going to a John Mayer concert? Is there another, much more awesome, John Mayer that I've yet to be made aware of? 2) I'm not saying that story ISN'T 100% true, I'm just saying I'll gladly hand my first born son over to the Second Mile Foundation if it is.
At one of my first college parties of my freshman year in college I was successfully picking up a delicious blonde. It was one of those perfect pickups – she was into me, and I was into her. However, there was one small (or should I say “large”) problem. Throughout the whole night one of my recently made friends, a kid who is reminiscent of Jabba the Hut, kept trying to talk to her about his mother (I know what a strange way to hit on a girl but he was doing it nonetheless).
Eventually, the blonde and I felt the need to rip each other’s clothes off, so we head back to my dorm room. Guess who follows us? That’s right, Jabba the Hut. In fact, he follows us all the way to my room, and even comes into my room. At this point, I’m still trying to be polite to him, as I don’t want to disrupt the delicate balance of being a new friend, but this shit is getting ridiculous.
He sends me a text asking for “30 minutes with her, and then you can have her”, as if she was some hooker or something (plus, how the fuck does he expect me to take sloppy seconds after him?!). Eventually, I get him to go away by sending him some angry text messages, meanwhile the blonde is looking at this situation as if she’s watching some strange European art house film.
So Jabba leaves, and the blonde and I start to get it on. It’s starting to get real damn steamy, and we have all our clothes off, but then someone knocks at the door.
Being extremely drunk and stupid, I decide to answer; however before doing so I put the blonde in my closet. I answer the door completely naked, with a fully erect raging boner. The person who is at my door turns out to be my slam piece at the time. She barges in, and acts as if nothing is wrong with the fact that I’m naked with a boner, and that my room is littered with female clothes. (Turns out, she came down because Jabba the Hut had texted her that “I had a girl in my room,” but she didn’t let me know about that at the time.) She then proceeds to talk to me for an hour, until I’m forced to tell her that I have to kick her out “because there’s a girl in my closet.” I then bring the blonde out of the closet, who is at least covered in my towel, and she meets my slam piece. They actually end up getting along, and have a nice little chit chat, and my slam piece leaves. And then I banged the shit out of that blonde.
1) Who on earth — drunk, stupid, a vegetable hooked up to a feeding tube, or otherwise — would open the door in that situation? 2) How far have the self-esteem levels of women dipped since I left college? “You're going to f*ck this other chick tonight? Sweet, I'll leave you two alone. Nice, pumps by the way. You pick those up at DSW?”
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