In a recent study surprising no one, researchers have concluded that men and women experience regret after sex in much, much different ways. Men regret not sleeping with more people, and women regret sleeping with the “wrong people.”
Shocking, I know–who’d have thought that researchers would waste time studying what we all already knew.
But it got me thinking. I’ve got plenty notches in my bedpost that I regret, but plenty I don’t regret either. So, what exactly makes a guy a regret-worthy lay? I’ve come up with a list of offenses you can avoid so that you can be a guy she brags about instead of a guy she wishes had never seen her naked.
Offense #1: You’re a bad kisser
Ugh, this is the WORST, and it covers such a wide range of things.
For starters, don’t use too much tongue when kissing. If it feels like you’re checking me for tonsillitis when we’re making out, I’m gonna have a bad time and tell all my girlfriends how terribly you suck at kissing. I can distinctly remember one particular guy just shoving his entire tongue in my mouth and swishing it around and me gasping for air and worrying about whether he was going to choke me with it. No good.
Don’t be too slobbery, either. You’re not a mother bird regurgitating nutrients for me, so don’t make me drink your spit mid-smooch.
The best way to proceed when you’re kissing is to keep in mind the suggestion Drew Barrymore made when discussing kissing in The Wedding Singer: “No porno tongue. Church tongue.”
Offense #2: You’re bad in bed otherwise
Do you use your dick as a jackhammer? If yes, then the only person you should be going to fuck is yourself. Seriously, it hurts, Bro.
I know it looks good, but it hurts.
Also, don’t drink too much because whiskey dick is decidedly unsexy. I can get off with a small dick; I can’t get off when you’re flaccid. I’ve experienced this one too many times to count, and it’s just disappointing every single time.
Finally, make sure your girl is wet enough before you slide your dick in her. Drinking is a diuretic, which is a fancy way to say it makes your vagina as dry as the Sahara Desert. If you’ve been boozing it up before hooking up, you probably want to slather on some KY so you don’t rip her apart.
Offense #3: You’re dirty
If you’re looking to bang, please, for the love of God, shower. This should go without saying, but I have found too many times that it doesn’t. Shower and use quality deodorant (Speed Stick is cheap, and you get what you pay for. You will smell like a French subway in less than an hour).
And even more than that, a little attention to personal grooming never hurt anyone. Cut your fingernails with clippers so that they’re smooth edges; don’t bite them all jaggedy. A poor girlfriend of mine got fingered by a guy with jagged fingernails and he basically shredded her vagina. You do NOT want to do this to a girl if you want to ever have any hope of fucking her or anyone she knows ever again.
Offense #4: You don’t adhere to promises for what sex is going to mean
You know how much you hate it when women you’ve had casual sex with get clingy? Well, if we’re trying to keep it casual, we hate it when you get clingy, too.
After a breakup a few years ago, I started rebound banging a guy who I told on Day 1: “This is just sex. Don’t get attached.” He didn’t listen, and after a while, he started pouting every time we got together–even crying sometimes–about ‘didn’t he matter? Didn’t he have feelings too?’ Blah blah fucking blah. Ugh. It was one of the more annoying things on the planet.
On the other end of the spectrum, don’t promise your woman flowers, puppy dogs and commitment from here to eternity if all you want is company for the night. Be honest–if you just want to bang, say that.
So, hopefully, if you’ve been doing these things, you now know that you should stop and you can begin to work to improve. Because, hey, wouldn’t you rather be someone she brags about to all her friends?
[Sad woman via Shutterstock]