Okay listen – I’m not against eating beard, we all have different tastes, but if you’re gonna snack on beard, you do that shit in the privacy of your own home. The subway is no place for you to be popping beard in your mouth like they’re Skittles.
A part of me felt bad for posting this video because I was like “this is just some harmless guy minding his own business, not hurting anybody, and now a video of him being a weirdo is gonna be plastered all over the internet.” But at the same time, if you’re gonna munch beard in public, you’re kinda asking for yourself to become a viral video.
Maybe this dude is looking to break into the entertainment industry, and he knew a viral vid was a good outlet for him, so he just said to himself “what’s some bizarre shit I could do that would def get filmed? Hmmmm. Plucking and eating a dead bird on the subway? No, it’s been done. OH! I’ll eat my beard! GENIUS.”
When something like this happens, I’m always fascinated to find out how the person got the news that a video of them went viral. Like, does this dude know this video surfaced? If so, how did he find out? Did a friend text him? How did that convo go?
Friend: Yo dude, you’re all over the internet!
Beard Eater: What?!? What do you mean???
Friend: It’s a vid of you scarfing down your own beard. WTF, dude?
Beard Eater: Lmao. What the hell are you talking about?
Friend: It’s you, picking and eating your own beard on the subway.
Beard Eater: Lol, that can’t be me.
Friend: I mean, it’s a pretty clear video. How many videos of Hasidic guys eating their own beards could there be? Do you eat your own beard?
Beard Eater: Well, I don’t NOT eat my own beard, but like who doesn’t, right? You have a beard, you’re gonna eat it!
Friend: Ummm… nah, dude. Nobody else does that.
Beard Eater: Oh… word?
Friend: Yeah, man. Clean that shit up.
This guy’ll probably have the last laugh though. When the Apocalypse comes and we’re all murdering each other in cold blood over a rapidly depleting food supply, this guy’ll be sitting pretty with a renewable source of nourishment hanging from his own damn chin.