This is not a headline from the Onion. This dipshit from Portland, Oregon, actually tried to choke his girlfriend with his dreadlocks. I can't imagine why he wouldn't have just used his hands. Given how he's presented, I doubt he was worried about getting them more dirty than they're already required to be looking like he does.
According to Koin Local 6 News:
Caleb Grotberg, 32, faces counts of second-degree kidnapping, second-degree attempted assault, fourth-degree assault, menacing and domestic violence.
According to Portland police, officers responded to a domestic violence report at a residence in the 3200 block of Southeast 22nd Avenue at about 2:30 a.m. A woman told officers that her boyfriend, Grotberg, had assaulted her, and then choked her with his dreadlocks. Officers searched the neighborhood and located Grotberg, taking him into custody.
Fourth degree assault? What the fuck is that!?! Verbal abuse? I commit no less than third degree on myself when I tug at my hang-low. Step up your assault game, tree hugger.
And you know, none of this would have happened if Sheriff William Teasel was still in charge up there in Oregon. That man wouldn't tolerate a decorated Vietnam vet roaming his town looking for his war pal, let alone this fourth-degree-assault-committing pussy.