We punch the clock. We pick up our checks. We repress our urges to punch our respective bosses in the throat. These were the soul-grinding aspects The Office neglected to show. For most of us, we tolerate going to work. We don’t enjoy it; we tolerate going to work like we tolerate rising gas prices, obese airplane passengers, or babies at restaurants.
Fear not, a method exists that allows one to relax more at work while still leaving promptly at quitting time. True, some of you fancy salary boys may have difficulties employing this system/scheme/lifestyle as effectively as your hourly counterparts, but at the very least it’ll eat up time during the day. Yes, this is a genuine poophole loophole. Where as other poophole loopholes are just utilized by girls who simultaneously want sex and but still want to preserve their vaginal virginity, this poophole loophole is for everyone and more about you technically spending time at work when in reality you’re just maxin’, relaxin’, and producing nothing except steamy, hot loaves of unfiltered dump.
Initiating this couldn’t be easier. Consume some food or medicine that you know doesn’t agree with your stomach and then simply ride out the resulting disagreement and arbitration from the comfort of the office bathroom while you try to beat your Candy Crush high score. Take your time on the toilet. If it takes over twenty minutes to get it all out that’s okay—Michelangelo didn’t rush when he sculpted David, so don’t worry if crafting your masterpiece cuts into that conference call you had planned. Now, the next day do the exact same thing; soon your coworkers will just become accustom to your comprehensive pooing sessions.
As the days turn into weeks, start increasing the time and frequency of your excursions. Take up new hobbies to do on the toilet; light reading, competitive coffee drinking, and model airplane making are all solid choices. Don’t get cocky, always take your time and let your creations happen organically with ease. Never try to “power” anything out—art is not a commodity to be forcefully manufactured on a regiment. Plus, there’s no use spending the next six weeks on the disabled list and at your desk while you’re perched on an inflatable donut with a colostomy bag because you blew out your o-ring when you tried to shit off more than you could poo.
Naturally coworkers and supervisors will start asking questions. You’ll begin to realize how empty and boring their lives are as they bombard you with apparent interest in your life behind closed stall doors. Of course, don’t reveal that you’ve altered your eating habits to favorably shift your work-to-poop ratio. Instead, fabricate a condition to have: irritable-bowel syndrome, stress-induced diarrhea, spooky-scary dysentery, really anything that supports the frequency you’re being called up for active doody.
If it’s just a coworker who’s inquiring, then your invented symptoms and conditions delivered with enough confidence should be enough to silence them. Yet, if it is a manager or supervisor who’s asking then you’ll have to be more careful. Explain that you’ve self-diagnosed through WebMD out of your dedication to the company and desire not to miss any days of work for doctors to relay information you’ve already discerned.
Further, elaborate to your boss that there’s a right way and a wrong way to do anything. Explain that you’re no Jimmy Jerk-Off Cut-Corners when it comes to any aspect of your life and that you strive to be overly thorough in any undertaking. Attribute your behavior as being as “risk averse” as possible. Point out that if you didn’t take every alarm as a serious one that you could lend yourself to a disaster that’s rancid, dank, and soupy; a disaster with the potential to make the office uninhabitable for the reminder of day.
If your boss still isn’t convinced, explain what a terrible career move it would be if the stinkable unthinkable should happen; you having to rebuild your reputation after everyone knows you as “the poop guy” and your boss having to deal with a literal “ground zero” with the cleanup, repairs, and therapy sessions needed in the office. It may take some persuasion, but eventually you should be able to demonstrate to your boss that the risk doesn’t outweigh the reward when it comes to limiting or monitoring your bathroom time.
Happy pooping, everybody!
[Man on Toilet image via ShutterStock]