Editor's Note: We're very excited to introduce a new BroBible contributor. Rebbeca Martinson is a University of Maryland student who gained Internet notoriety this past April when her e-mail to her sorority sisters went viral. In her first BroBible column, she offers some advice to our female readers.
I don't think a single weekend has gone by during the semester where at least one of my roommates hasn't moped her way onto one of our couches and begun whining about how some guy she met at the bar or wherever the night before hasn't texted her yet. "But guys, he bought me, like, six rails!" Well duh, he was trying to get into your pants. There needs to be a public service announcement on E! in the middle of a Kardashians episode that says, "ATTENTION: NO SANE MAN GOES TO THE BAR TO NOT TRY TO STICK IT IN. HE IS NOT THERE TO GET TO KNOW YOU. HE IS NOT THERE TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR NEW SHADES OF NAIL POLISH. HE IS THERE TO GIVE YOU THE D FOR FREE"
In which case, this is how you do it.
1. Only half put out
So I know this sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. Look back at the lovely and informative PSA. Is it mentioned anywhere in there that he's out trying to find a girl with a lovely personality and who cooks like Paula Deen on a crack binge while simultaneously being Jenna Jameson in the sack? Nope. To most drunk guys a wet hole is a wet hole, and with each cranberry vodka the two of you slurp down you're both less likely to remember what either of you talked about. You could tell him that you won the friggin' lottery and the morning after he wouldn't know it.
This is why you only partially put out. Dance, stick your tongue down his throat, grab his junk for an over the pants handy, whatever, just don't go home with him. Yeah he might go home with someone else that night, but the morning after he's going to remember the girl that proudly displayed her thong on her back like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre while rubbing it on his junk, not the nice Communications major that like, is so like into like, something he doesn't remember because it didn't relate to getting his D wet. The fact that you sort of half put out shows that you're more likely TO put out at some point in the near future, which is more incentive for him to text you.
2. Run awayyy!
Not literally because that would look stupid, but say something that implies you're about to leave so he asks for your number. It can be as simple as "I'm going home, want my number?," but nothing too complicated like "My DVR is set to record Millionaire Matchmaker but I want it to tape Real Housewives and I need to go change it because the season finale is on and I'm really excited because blah blah something." Simple is always better, and besides changing your DVR isn't a good reason to go home early and he'll think you're odd. Anyways, exchange numbers and then either leave or do your best not to see him the rest of the night.
3. The day after
As long as his phone didn't break or the apocalypse didn't happen, he will most likely text you the morning/day after you met him. I'm pretty sure no one does this anymore, but for those of you that do the "wait 3 days before you text" thing, stop it. Seriously, if you meet someone and you're both drunk do you think they're going to remember you in 3 days? I've been sober for 3 days and I have no idea what even happened that long ago. Like I said, I've never had someone wait 3 days so I don't think this rule even exists, but just in case you think it does, it doesn't.
Anyways, when he does text you it'll probably be something geared along the lines of "What are you up to tonight?," to which you sure as shit reply to with some activity where he could potentially meet up with you. Bar, house party, it doesn't matter, just nothing like "Oh I'm staying in and watching movies." You don't know him, he doesn't know you, and if you invite him to watch TV with you it'll just be awkward and weird. Have a paper to do? That's fine, just make sure to mention that he should hit you up the next day. While telling him your plans, at the same time you have to make it into a conversation so that once you find out what you're both doing you have a reason to keep texting. The whole point of not hooking up with him the first night was so that he'd text you, and now the key is to be interesting so that he wants to keep texting you, not just because he's tryna get it in but because he enjoys you as a person.
That being said, when you're talking to him think about it from his perspective. He's a guy. Don't talk about super girly shit. Pick neutral topics, for example talk about how your last night was when you met him, or if you can talk about sports then go for it.
From here you have two options:
1. You find he's actually kinda weird/boring and you stop texting him
2. You meet him out that night
If at any point you decide you're actually not really that interested in him, just stop talking to him. It's that easy. Don't waste his time and yours by carrying on a conversation you don't care about. Likewise goes for if you meet him that night and you realize that your beer goggles the night before had 5 inch thick lenses. It's a public place, you can walk away and mingle with other people and it'll be fine. If you're still diggin' him then do whatever you want from there. Personally I try not to get my spread eagle on until at least the third time I meet up with him. That's usually how long it takes for a guy to realize I'm not some sugar twat that's down to be pumped and dumped, and by then he usually finds talking to me to be amusing to some degree. On the other side of the spectrum, you can't just keep stringin' this guy along and not giving him anything for his effort or he'll get bored. Part of this is a game of timing and it depends on who you're talking to, which I can't help you with because I don't know who he is (again, duh).
But hey, I at least got you started. Go out there and make me proud.
Follow Rebecca Martinson on Twitter here.