It’s that time of the year again. You’ve just freshly glanced at a post-holiday credit card statement that resembles something along the lines of an A-bomb crater. You’ve made the minimum contribution to Señor VISA and think you’re in the clear, because how could it get any worse from here? You can probably mix in a beach trip or a few pool parties before you have to pay off that Bath and Body Works spree you went on last December 23rd. The one where you mumbled to yourself that waiting in-line with every other sap in town with an unfinished Christmas list should make this merchandise free. Hey, those Vanilla Bean bath salts don’t grow on trees, buddy! Well I’m here to break the bad news that you are not in the clear. Nowhere close. Because the holy day created by the Saint of “you’d better not mess this one up” is right around the corner. That’s right. It’s Valentine’s Day!
If your first thought while reading this is “What gives, bro? I’ve got a line of credit at Tiffany’s and will just swing by the showroom on the way home and pick up this season’s hottest diamond encrusted toilet brush.”, this guide is not for you. You are fortunate or wildly successful and I am in no place to offer gift-giving advice. I also would have loved to give my buddy Jimi Hendrix’ acid-laced Woodstock bandana at his bachelor party. But alas…
Same goes for all you lucky folks that have been fortunate enough to celebrate years of holidays with your significant other. Whatever it is that you’re doing works. Keep it up. You may have earned just enough goodwill to get by with a gift consisting of a reasonable bouquet and a ‘Better Homes’ subscription. And that’s great. Just know that Hallmark hates you for it.
This guide is for the everyman. Those of us still on romantic ice just thin enough that a botched Valentine’s Day gift could end in walking papers, a renewed match.com subscription and an invitation back to Grandma’s “You’re still single?” Spanish style inquisition. None of these things are good, amigo. This could easily be prevented by rooting through your couch for spare change and spending every penny to your name on a lavish gift, but then you’d either starve (this leaves you dead, not good) or set an expectation for a lifetime of super-gifting to come. You want to be good, but not too good. Impressive, but not astounding. You need to be the meatloaf of Valentine’s Day gifting. Meatloaf is delicious, almost always delivers as promised, gets the job done and tastes great. But Meatloaf is no Filet Mignon. And who can handle a girlfriend expecting a Filet for lunch on a Tuesday?
Without further ado…..
Valentine’s Day is like a game of The Price is Right.
The closer you land the proportionate value assigned (nominal or sentimental) of gift given to received, the better off your life will be because of it. Try your best to gather clues about just how big her plans are before you end up at that great shopping mall in the sky (or the single’s bar down the street). If you go with diamonds and pearls early in, the expectation for said blood-stones will grow with each passing year until you’ve got the massacre of a small African village on your hands. This is a bad thing and will only turn her into bait for muggers by year six. Avoid this option.
The reverse of this situation can be just as dire. If you purchase her a thoughtful card and a cutesy Anthropologie journal for her to “compose and document her thoughts and emotions”, and she fires back with an all all-inclusive trip to Bora Bora, be prepared for her to spend the entire “romantic” getaway trolling the island for a wealthy exotic financier that won’t be a dummy when it comes to picking a gift next year.
Shared Experiences Show That You Value Time Spent Together
This is true of weekends away at bed and breakfasts, his and her spa treatments and romantic jaunts to whatever cliché-as-fuck mountain range / orchard / sunflower-graced meadow that is just far enough away to give the allure of a trip of a lifetime, but nothing that requires a passport or malaria shots. Remember, this trip should at no point include monster truck rallies, stop-offs at casinos or evenings at medieval times- even if your cousin plays the green knight and can score you dope aisle seats and a supersized turkey leg.
Do not purchase 50 Shades of Grey tickets because you’ve heard it’s an “erotic romance” film that’s all the rage these days…
It is not. It’s a movie about a dude that lives life like a shitty Depeche Mode song. If that’s what you’re into, there are more subtle ways to go about letting the old ball and chain (pun intended) know that the dog collar in the closet didn’t actually belong to your best childhood pal Spot that went to live on a farm while you were away at school.
The “No gifts that come with a plug” myth is a thing of the past
A new Bluetooth speaker makes a solid gift. If she, like the masses, is a caffeinated zombie, a Keurig can deliver a nice thoughtful touch, given you don’t live in some hellhole of a city on the Eastern Seaboard where counter space is measured in square millimeters. You could get her an iPod (assuming you’ve travelled via time machine and plan on whisking her back to 2004 sometime soon). But repeat after me: no vacuum cleaners, no blenders, no band saws (unless you have a death wish and want the gnarly teeth of death from said band saw turned back in your direction).
Buy a nice card with blank innards and write a personal greeting.
It’s one of the great mysteries of the world. Women love greeting cards. And guess what they love even more than getting one written by Joaquin Phoenix’ character in ‘Her’? One that was written by you, ya’ big doofus! It’s really not that tough, and you don’t even need to channel your inner Hemingway. Just a few nice words and a simple “I love you” will suffice. You’ll thank me later.
Harken back to summer-camp days of old and make something!
Disclaimer: I, in no way, am suggesting you give the only other adult on this planet not named “Your Doctor” that sees you naked on a regular basis a macaroni necklace for their special day.
Side note- if you’re reading this while actively incarcerated, pipe down! Macaroni necklaces are appropriate and I totally get that everyone in Cell Block C likely sees your naked ass on a semi regular basis.
I posed this question to a woman in her late twenties at my office and got this telling response:
I think a blank canvas makes a cool gift so that a couple could paint together.
Flowers and jewelry are always nice but it’s great to know someone took time to make a present.
There you go fellas’. And while it might sound slightly counter-intuitive, when you think about it, it makes total sense. It only takes a credit card and 12 minutes to run into your local Macy’s and scream “HELLLLP!!” at the now confused salesperson behind the counter, dodging a heart-shaped bullet for another calendar year. But making something requires time, and more importantly, thought. It may sound cliché, but there is a reason the phrase has been around for eight billion years: “It’s the thought that counts”. It’s amazing how far a handwritten note and small scrap book will take you.
This will ensure you’ll have some brownie points to cash in. Spend quickly though, because those things have the shelf life of a sliced avocado.
When in doubt, just get her jewelry, roses and chocolate
Because fuck it. Why fix what’s not broken?