Life
by Krum on August 22, 2013

I don’t think I saw natural sunlight for the entirety of my freshman year in high school. I was way too busy jerking it. From that first day in ninth grade, the upperclassmen descended upon my female peers, enticing them with blunt sessions in their cars and house parties and facial hair.  Timid first-years like me were left in the dust.  So rather than go through some Karate Kid training regimen that would turn me into a stud, I degenerated into this nocturnal porn monster who couldn’t wait to sneak into the family’s computer room once everyone fell asleep. It was a disgusting ritual.

However, like most things in my life, I became obsessed with being the best. I found a website called JackinWorld (couldn’t make up a better name) which offered new and exciting methods to bust nuts. The Double Reverse. The Stranger. The Microwaved Banana. It was beautiful in a depraved, hormonal riot-way. One technique particularly intrigued me.

The beat-off experts at JackinWorld recommended the following:

1. Get a plastic Ziploc baggie

2. Slather the inside of the baggie with Vaseline

3. Stick your cock in the plastic bag, and seal it up like steak in marinade.

Here’s where things get interesting. Stay with me.

4. Pick your favorite bed, the springier the better.

5. Lift the mattress up; put your baggie-encased dick between the mattress and the box spring.

6. Gently lower the mattress back down onto your dick and begin pumping away.

For the better part of freshman year, I, Evan Krumholz, routinely fucked my bed.

At first it was my little secret. Every night I had a private date with Sealy Posturepedic. My mom was a confused why I always requested Ziplocs and Vaseline during her drug store runs, but besides that everything was copacetic. Eventually, I could no longer keep my homemade pseudo-Vagina a secret. One day at the lunch table, I gushed about my method to my friends like a bride sharing engagement plans.

“EWW…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, BRO?”

I was shocked at the disapproving faces around me. For the better part of a month, I was greeted with awkward silence and cold glances from those I trusted most. One kid even threw a plastic baggie at me. My one joy was ruined.

Some time passed. I grew more comfortable with the high school environment and began attending parties, playing lacrosse, and even dating. My days pouring over JackinWorld were but a memory.  One April evening, I was at a house party with some bros passing around a blunt. A buddy of mine, the host of party, excused himself to take a piss. The circle collapsed as he left.

After about thirty minutes, I began to wonder where he had gone. I too, left the cipher and proceeded to make my way past the beer pong table and keg stands in search for my wayward companion. As I headed up the basement stairs, I heard a rhythmic thumping. I continued my ascent and began to pick up what sounded like creaking springs. I wasn’t sure what compelled me forward, but I had to keep going. I imagined he had a bad reaction to the pot and was freaking out. I had to save him! Finally, I made it his room, the source of the sound.

There he was, completely naked, on his knees. He was fucking his bed with Zen-like focus.

Viva la Ziploc.

Got any other beat-off stories or methods from yesteryear? Totally grossed out? A little aroused? Leave your thoughts in the comments section!

Krum is an NYC based comedian who has no problem admitting his misguided masturbation habits. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom