Life
by Reggie Noble on October 4, 2012

Look, fiscal and social policies are of the utmost importance. The winner of this election will inevitably stamp his ideology all over our lives for four years. So, yeah, I should probably feel guilty for not watching with a keener eye. But I simply won't apologize for what I was thinking about instead of which candidate came off as the better choice to lead our nation.

What was it, you ask?

I was trying to figure out which guy would win in a fight.

Once you can get past the juvenile nature, it's really a great question. Both are seemingly fit, possess a dogged determination to win at all costs, and, most importantly, seem to have a genuine dislike for their foe.

A to-the-death battle shown on pay-per-view would simultaneously be the best and worst thing that's ever happened to this country. Tell me you wouldn't watch that, you bloodthirsty savage. TELL ME.

My gut tells me Obama would be the presumptive favorite based solely on the fact he's 14-years younger. Not a heavy favorite, mind you. We're talking, like, 3-2 odds here.

Much has been made about his athletic prowess. If you believe a certain narrative, he's a professional basketball player trapped in a politician’s body and brain. Anyone who has seen any of the 638 times he's been on television hoisting jumpers knows that his hand-eye coordination doesn't exactly rival that of LeBron James.

Obama's workout routine likely consists of a lot of pushups on the plush Oval Office rug, some light lunges in the Rose Garden and running around with his dog. I'm not going to look it up. I'm lazy.

Part of the reason for his slim physique has nothing to do with fitness at all. A combination of a nicotine habit and unimaginable stress will keep even the fattest slob looking like a young Alec Baldwin. But those two things also combine to just decimate any stamina in the cardiovascular realm.

Plus — and this is where it gets REALLY scientific — Obama is a giant softie. What's the first thing he did last night? Call his wife “sweetie.” If he were a shark and blood was in the water, he'd make sure all the other sharks got their fill before he partook. An admirable quality in life, but a giant red flag in the hypothetical-fight-handicapping world.

Romney, on the other hand, exudes the frightening kind of grandparent strength that would scare the shit out of any misbehaving 8-year-old. What's he got, 12 kids? The survival instinct is strong in that one.

Romney has also received a good deal of flak for appearing to be robotic. This trait will serve him well in a no-holds-barred fight to the death. You think he cares about ending another man’s life? Robots don’t have feelings.

Surely by now you know that, as a Mormon, the Republican challenger doesn’t drink alcohol or use caffeine. Mittens treats his body like a temple. Imagine all of the bad carbs he’s avoided in his lifetime. He’s probably got the insides of a much, much younger man.

One would think that death matches are all about the brute strength of large muscle groups, but that’s simply not true. The most effective way to kill someone is suffocation. Anyone who has seen Romney’s hands can deduce that he gives bone-crushing handshakes. How do you think he got the name “Mitt?” I rest my case. Obama’s larynx stands no chance.

So, in summation, it’s Romney in an upset. Here’s hoping it never comes to this high-stakes matchup, but considering the level of political discourse, it might not be far off.

About Reggie Noble...

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