The bathroom resembles a post-Apocalyptical world were rules don’t exist and the term “shit storm” is more reality than hyperbole.
Multiple times during the week, one of our team enters, only to happen upon a toilet brimming with shit. And we’re not talking well-formed, healthy bowel movements. We’re talking the remnants of human beings who must exist solely on the strength of Funyons, Gummi Bears and bourbon.
It’s as if Michael Bay is directing a nuclear holocaust flick in the mystery dumper’s asshole.
Even more vexing is the fact this same abhorrent behavior was the norm at our previous office, located just a few buildings down the street. One time, in fact, there was feces on the handle. THE HANDLE.
This brutal situation is taking its toll. It’s killing morale. One of our interns was so horrified he cowered in the corner for an hour after a particularly nasty piss.
Someone is waging poop warfare on us and we don’t know. Fucking guerrilla attacks coming at us from all angles. This is our Vietnam.
So today’s Great Question is a three-parter. First, we just want to know WHY. Why would someone do this and keep doing it? What psychological factors could be at play?
Also, what in God’s sweet name can and should we do about this situation? And then, if the culprit(s) is apprehended, what is an appropriate penalty?
Our initial thoughts are to set up a sting operation, but that comes with some unpleasantness. Staking out a highly-trafficked public bathroom sounds like a pretty awful experience. Inspecting the movements of total strangers could probably also end up in some litigation.
As for the penalty phase, our first reaction is to enact an immediate death sentence – preferably at our hands. Would that be something you’d be interested in seeing? Would that go viral? The answer to both those questions is probably “yes.”
But again, there are laws against that type of violence.
So what we’re asking for is guidance. If you’ve had a similar experience, please let us know how to deal with it. We’re dying here. One No. 2 at a time.
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