You'd be a damn fool to question the supernatural powers of bacon. Our favorite cured meat can cause people to do strange, strange things. It's intoxicating aroma can cause pocket-mulching vegans to give up decades animal-eating denial, causing them to back to their carnivorous ways (as it was meant to be). It can cause people to build strange food sculpture, inspire Bacon by Fargginay cologne, or consider distilling meat with alcohol. It can cause family to turn on family and end with an embarrassing front-lawn episode involving a garden hose. That's exactly what happened in Pennsylvania's Delaware County on Tuesday night.
After her nine-year old grandson ate too much damn bacon for breakfast, a grandmother allegedly attacked the boy in a sequence of event that "culminated on Kolynych’s front lawn when the woman was seen sitting on top of the boy, blasting his face with water from a hose at close range." Now she's being held on $25,000 bail.
Via the DelCo Times:
One witness stated that Mrs. Kolynych had chased her 9-year-old grandson through the yard,” Press said. “She threw him to the ground and was sitting on top of him, pinning him down and beating him on his legs. She was spraying water at very close range into (the child’s) face. The nozzle setting of the hose was on full force.”
During the alleged assault on the lawn, the child was yelling for help, screaming, kicking and squirming in attempts to get away, officials said. “He was able to break free and ran across the street, using a neighbor’s phone to call his mother,” Press wrote in the affidavit.
According to Press, the child’s mother was able to separate the two, with Kolynych allegedly giving chase again after the boy. “Apparently, he ate more bacon than anyone else at breakfast,” Press said. “She was yelling at him and picking on him all day because there wasn’t enough bacon for everyone.”
Kolynych was arraigned on charges of endangering the welfare of children, simple assault, harassment and disorderly conduct.
Here's the police report:
I can't wait to see the mug shot. Just like you don't get between a hippo and its pond or a bear and its cubs, never get between a irate senior citizen and her bacon.