Life
by J. Camm on July 3, 2012

Q: What would rather give up, blowjobs or cheese? This is an age-old debate with me and my bros and the consensus is most people would give up blow jobs. Even though blow jobs are awesome (obviously), cheese is just goes on and with so many different foods and is so damn tasty. What do you think?

A: My inner alpha dog is chiding me right now for the answer I'm about to give. Really giving me a piece of his mind; calling me a cheese-loving fag and other unsavory sh*t. But to hell with that and to hell with blow jobs, because I want that cheese. All day every day. American. Cheddar. Sharp f*ckin Provolone. The whole cheese lot, really. (No toe or dick cheese, though.)

Blow jobs are fun and all but I eat cheese literally every day in my morning omelet. Without cheese the entire meal would give me less pleasure than the harshest tooth-riddled blow job imaginable. I can't start my day like that, I'm ornery enough as it is.

Plus, I don't get blown everyday (I don't know anyone who does), and when I do it's just a primer; the set-up guy before the pussy comes in for the close. In fact, blow jobs are a lot like the great John Franco in that way: they were once a star closer (5th grade) but as the years went on they were relegated to being just another set-up man.

I know I sound unappreciative right now, and my high school girlfriend is probably up in arms that she swallowed buckets of my cock slop, but once your sex life graduates to actual sex, blow jobs become a nice-to-have rather than a necessity.

Q: So my Bro and I were having an argument and we're looking for a third party opinion. Clearly any bro would never pass up an opportunity to get sh*tfaced at a bumpin party, but what is the protocol for a chill bros night? He believes in such a situation that one should simply get a solid buzz off beer and that's all. I believe that it's still fun to get f*cked up regardless of the fact that its bros only… So the question is what is the proper level of alcohol consumption for a night in with the boys?

A: You're probably still in high school, right? If you're not, maybe go back and sort this sh*t out before you leave.

Not trying to be a total dick here but there's no answer to this question. And there's also no proper level, no hard stopping point, and no drink minimum or maximum. There's just how f*cked up YOU want to get. 

Q: I'm 23, and I'm attracted to a co-worker who is 30, has child, been through divorce, four years with a boyfriend who packs up and leaves, and is awesome and has her sh*t together. We hang out, but I don't know how to keep it going. The older man-younger man is typical, and older women-younger men is almost taboo, but further research says otherwise. Help please!

A: How together can this chick's sh*t really be? Based on the baggage mentioned in your email, I'm thinking she's a shade above explosive diarrhea in the “sh*t together” category.

This is a dicey scenario. Not only do you work with her, she has a f*cking kid AND a piece of trash Ex that is going to be around for, oh, the next 18 years and if you date this chick his continued existence will somehow become your problem.

I get the allure of pounding an older chick –been there, it's magical — but dating this one is more than just dating her. At 23, are you ready to be some kid's stand-in father? I doubt it.

That said, you should probably capitalize on her vulnerability at the next company happy hour. Pad your stats with this one.

Q: With the Euro Cup all over ESPN these days, I figured this would be an appropriate time to ask this: If you could be a top-level professional athlete in any sport, what would you pick? I'd pick soccer for several reasons: most popular sport across the globe, huge contracts, the hottest wags (in my opinion), you can play at the professional level for a long ass time if you stay healthy, and you get to travel all over the world.

What would you pick and why?

A: I’d be a professional racehorse, hands down. They’ve got the biggest dicks of any professional athlete. And if you win the Triple Crown you'll spend your retired years “breeding” with hot female horses and having people turn a blind eye every time you “accidently” kick someone in the chest with your hind legs. But on the other hand, if you fall and break your leg beyond repair someone might put a bullet into your brain because you're a worthless failure or something like that. 

Truthfully, I’d play golf or baseball. Golf is my favorite sport so the reason there is obvious (and you can play till you're 70). Baseball is a purely monetary decision. Hell, I don’t even like baseball that much but those dudes GET PAID. If you gave me $15 million dollars a year to play right field, catch two balls a game and, on average, get 1.5 hits a game of course I’d do it. Would I much rather play football? Yes, but not if I'm unable to walk or go into brightly lit rooms when I'm 45. 

That does it. I'm off till next Tuesday so I'd like to wish everyone a Happy 4th, especially those that have fought for our freedom. 'MERICA! 

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