After you turn 21 your entire life changes. You have less money, you wake up with weird bruises, you now know the joy of “morning beers” and your dating pool is wide open. Getting drunk in the general public leads to mistakes that keep Plan B in business. Part of becoming an adult is being able to see red flags and warning signs so you don’t end up tied up to a radiator in a bad way. Whether you like it or not, you’re going to wake up next to strangers and even date a few of them. These are the 6 girls you’ll date after 21.
The Whiskey Drinker: Slinging back whiskey at a bar is an easy way to show everyone how fun you are trying to be. Girls who drink whiskey need more attention than they do water and greasy food every morning. Sure they’re the wild ones, but after one too many shots of Jameson they’ll either cry their eyes out or start throwing punches. It sucks when you see them again and realize they’re actually kind of dorky when sober.
The Beer Drinker: These girls often times end up your bro. You’ll probably never date or have sex with, but she is the type of girl that likes better music than you and holds her own in a pong game. She hangs out with the guys and she’ll tell you about the one time she went to a strip club. The beer drinker will almost always end up being the girl that stays in your life the longest, without you getting bored of her.
Tequila Sunrise: Don’t let these sweet hearts fool you; although they’re cute and the drink looks fruity, tequila is a dangerous alcohol. These girls are the wild cards, they could end up dancing the night away or rubbing Vaseline on their face and drop kicking someone off a barstool. Tequila gives you energy, which gets dangerous once your B.A.C is higher than the soil radiation count in Japan. This leads to terrible decision making, terrible wonderful terrible decision making.
Shot Girl: Grab your nuts or run away because shot girls are a rollercoaster of emotions and danger. This might be the worst night of your life the first time you experience it. She’s only a shot girl if she does more than 4 in a night while still drinking on top of it. Shot girls need to have 5 friends around them to watch her back because you never know if she’s going to fall sleep at the bar or end up telling you she loves you. Have your friends handle hers and get ready to hold back some hair. Going out with a shot girl sometimes involves being in an alternate state, you may literally wake up in another state.
Vokka Soduh: If she pronounces the double K its because she wants all the D for herself. While this used to be a drink for people who wanted to watch their weight, its now a drink for girls who wake up missing a shoe. If you wake up next to one your first thought will be “So much leopard print”. Your second thought will be “What’s that smell”. Going to a clinic after one of these isn’t a suggestion, it’s a recommendation.
The Wine Drinker: Anyone who drinks wine in a crowded bar is trying to be better than everyone else. Unless that’s sangria in that glass they’re home by 10pm and asleep. Wine gives such a terrible hang over that no one ever gets drunk off of it, they stay tipsy for a prolonged time. Wine is the type of drunk that unhappy housewives drink have to cover up they have a problem.
Bread Foster is a NYC comedian who has spent too much time in bars. Follow him on Twitter @BreadFoster
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