Life
by Boatshoe Bobby on March 21, 2014

tinder-pic

Tinder. It’s a slippery slope if you’re not careful.

The Slightly Below Your Standards

Her first picture looked good. You swiped right. You matched. Upon further investigation you realize she may not be what you thought. I mean after a few drinks maybe. Of course she messages you, and you have that moment where you’re thinking “I really shouldn’t.” You do anyway, because maybe she’s down for a titty pic.

The Swampdonkey

Good god. Why did you swipe this girl. You must have been drunk. Oh god, she’s messaged you twice. This chick is solo in all of her pictures and doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she is straight up busted. Blocked.

The Chameleon

Maybe there are a few chicks in the picture. Maybe she knows how to work the right angles. You know what I mean, the hefty chick upper left angle, face only shot. You were too lazy to do your homework and now you’re paying the price. How on earth did she manage to look like that in the first picture? She’s a pro. She’s been here before.

The Smoke

Fuck yeah. You swiped. She swiped. You’re in. She’s in for a hell of a message. Do you go with the cheesy pick-up line? A simple “hey”? You’re panicking. You just go with “Hey there”. She doesn’t respond. You blew it you choke artist.

The Obvious Hooker

Solo shot in the skimpiest lingerie available. Clear watermarking over the picture. “Visit Myhotsexvids.com to see more” She’s sent you a message! Maybe she want’s the D. “Hey I saw ur pix and think u r hot. Make sure 2 check out my webcam show”. You’ll bag the next one slugger.

The Horse Chick

Only a slight downgrade from the kitten or puppy chick. There seems to be an inordinate amount of these women on Tinder. There has to be some sort of scientific correlation between girls that love horses and girls who love their horses. They’re everywhere. You’ll message her anyway.

The Freak

Maybe she has some crazy tats. Maybe she’s got one of those bull nose rings. She’s definitely down, and will always respond to your message. She’s wearing some weird American Apparel thing going on. You’re into it. “What’s your Snapchat name?” will always go. Just hope that the inside matches the outside, down to try something different.

Old

This chick is old. As fuck. Like sixty. You didn’t swipe her right, but props to granny for knowing how to work a smartphone.

The Way-Too-Many-Mutual-Friends

Sixty-eight mutual friends? Who are you? Do you know her? Should you know her? Depending on the route you take, the message will always fly asking about a common friend, but maybe she’s tight with your ex, and will promptly report back as woman code demands. Aaaaaaand you messaged her anyway. You’re a renegade. If you hook up with her you’ll have to tell your friends you met at Starbucks.

The Bikini Pic

She’s obviously looking for it. C’mon, nobody with jugs like that and a willingness to display them on a dating app isn’t. You’ll message her, she’ll probably message back. You can look past her face, it’s average. But that body! Worth it, make it happen.

You Know Her

Hey! We went to high school together! Or something like that. It doesn’t matter, you know her. Oh god you matched, you’ll message her something funny and she’ll say she just haaaad to swipe you it’s hilarious you’re both on this goofy app. Little do you know she’s mass messaging every dude on her just begging for it.

The Normal Chick

She’ll tell her friends she got it cause it was funny. Just to see who’s on it. But we all know the real reason she has it. You’ve got like three common interests, some random stuff you both liked in 10th grade. You’ll match. You’ll talk. If she’s close, who knows what could happen. The point is you’re on this thing to get laid, and there’s no way to work around it.

Boatshoe Bobby

About Boatshoe Bobby...

Boatshoe Bobby is many things — ravenous lover, poet, the the self-proclaimed king of paella — but most of all, he is a slave to his own existence. Also, an owner of boatshoes.