I live in a house with five other girls, one of them being a complete prude. Prude to the point of saying shit like "A sober blowjob is my worst nightmare", and "I keep Purell next to my bed for after handys." Ignoring the fact that this isn't normal, I told her about this piece I'm writing about threesomes and her response was,
"But that's not true? Not everyone wants a threeway"
"Do you want a threeway?"
"Are you sure?"
"YEAH... Unless it's two guys..."
Now I'd love to stop right there and say that my point's been proven, but I have a sinking suspicion that I'd get a very intense wag of a finger from Brandon, the editor of Brobible (...go follow him on Twitter, losers) and since I'm a total pussy I'll continue on to avoid that. But like I said, every girl wants a threeway. It might be with two dudes or it might be with another girl, but either way in the back of her mind she wants one. "Rebecca, that's disgusting," says every single boring girl out there who just lays there like a dead fish during missionary position every time some poor guy has to stick it in her. Well fuck you too, and it's not disgusting. Think of it as a sex report card. If you're so goddamn bland that you don't care about how awful you are in bed, then think of it as the ultimate test of the fluffy bullshit filler everyone puts on their resume, like being "problem solver" and a "multitasker."
Why? Because girls are competitive. Especially with each other.
It doesn't even have to be something important or intelligent. Whenever my biffle4everemagawdBESTIES visits we have a conversation about food. Not how we like food, or how fun it is to watch the Food Network while stoned, but about how much we ate that day. It typically starts with her going...
"Omg I"m sooo hungry, I've eaten like nothing today"
"Yeah me neither, I had like, an egg earlier but that was it"
"Samee but I only used the egg white because it's lower in fat without the yolk"
"Yeah I did that too but I only ate half of it because I figured I'd save some for later"
"Oh I usually do that but today I only ate a quarter because I was in a rush"
First of all, no one eats a fucking quarter of an egg white because that's fucking stupid, but this conversation happens every time I see her. We sit there and compete to see who ate the least amount of food that day, gradually cutting down portion sizes and saying shit like "I only drank water because I was out of skim milk." The fuck is wrong with drinking milk? NOTHING. But it's a competition, and damned if I'm not gonna fucking win and pretend I didn't actually eat Five Guys 20 minutes before I saw her.
Now that you've seen what sort of belligerently stupid things girls will compete over, let's get back to gang bangin'. For starters, everyone wants to be told they're good in bed regardless of whether they are or aren't, including Dead Fish Girl. What's a better way than a threeway? If it's two guys and one girl then you've got the ultimate test in front of you. That's two, count'em TWO fucking dicks to take care of, plus one's own personal pleasure from the act. Holy shit Batman, looks like Dead Fish Girl might have to be a multitasker and be able to focus on two things at once.
Personally, two guys is my nightmare. Yeah at some point during these shenanigans I'll get to just lay around with a dude at either end of me, but what about before that? What if you pay too much attention to one dick and not the other? What if they don't both fit in your mouth? And for fucks' sake I am NOT about to drink two different loads of semen in one sitting, this isn't a fucking smoothie bar where mixing shit together makes it taste better. You see Dead Fish Girl, this isn't the perverted fun-and-games you thought it was. This is some shit you can use as proof of your skills during a job interview. Eventually you'll have to explain how your resume isn't just full of padding and that you actually are good at multitasking.
To every other girl out there though, it's a test. Moreso if it's two girls and one guy. Let me set the scene for you: A shitty satellite house bedroom with an unmade bed, two naked girls, one guy, the guy starts walking towar- HEY WHAT THE FUCK WALK TO ME YOU ASSHOLE NOT HER. And that's how it goes. Have you seen the Entourage episode where E tries to have a threesome with Sloan and her hot friend? The entire thing is a competition for attention, but instead of batting your eyelashes like a twat from across the bar and wearing the biggest pushup bra you own, you're naked and just trying to be slightly more alluring than the other girl, enough so that he pays more attention to you than to her. She's sucking his dick? You're sucking it harder. She fit half of his ballsack in her mouth? Bitch please, I'm gargling two at once.
Speaking from personal experience, it's one thing to be told you're good at something. It's another thing entirely to be told you're better than someone else. You fucking gloat over that shit, you see that person in public and you think to yourself "HAH you don't know how much you suck compared to me." People are just competitive like that, especially women. Doesn't matter if she's your best friend, if you hate the guy, or if you now have a raging outbreak of oral herpes spreading across your face, you're fucking better at fucking than someone else that you can put a name on.
However, we can't forget that there's two girls involved in this, not just one, which means that one of you has to be worse than the other. It's math, don't argue with me. If you're the unfortunate loser in this catty competition here are some words of advice: find someone uglier and try again. That's really the best I can do for you. I don't know how teethy your blowjobs are and I can't help your chronic dry mouth condition, and I'm sure as shit not about to give you a Brazillian (for the record, ladies, au naturale is not okay), but just take solace in the fact that somewhere, in this GIANT world of ours, someone is worse at sex than you.
Again, it's math, so don't argue with me. You just keep on' threewaying it up until you find that unlucky motherfucker.