So our site was up and down on Monday. For that reason I wasn't able to post a Hook Up Heroes. I will try my best to make up for that by posting one on Friday. As always -- and I know you don't get sick of seeing these next four words -- submit your stories here. 

So this particular hook up is fresh out of out of the oven, as in last night fresh. It’s 3 p.m. and my hangover is just now setting in. I showed up to work this (Wednesday) morning still drunk, running on a solid 45 minutes of sleep. Pieces of the night have slowly been coming back to me throughout the day, so part of the story may be missing. Alcohol induced time travel out does that to me. Nonetheless, I felt the need to share.

I’m a senior in college, but this spring I’ve had an internship through my degree program. There are around 100 interns total in the program from every school in the state. Back in January my fellow intern Bros and I noticed a particular female intern. Not a total smokeshow, but attractive in a nerdy, closet freak kinda way. We come up with nicknames for most girls, simply because remembering real names is damn near impossible. Therefore, the girl is known as “Frenchie” in our circle.

Now for the story. Yesterday was the last day that our bosses were at work; so a celebration was in order last night. A couple guys have a house and decide to throw a full on rager. I pick up Frenchie around 8. As we’re waiting to meet the group at the office building, she decides we should go inside the office and have a few drinks from the boss’ liquor cabinet. After that we make our way to the party. Shots, flip cup, beer pong, etc. She’d been hanging all over me and we were partners in the drinking games. I had no preconceived notion of hooking up with Frenchie, but why not? She was into me, and my Bros and I were curious what she’s like in the sack. The mission was mine. (Note: at some point before we left the party is where I blacked out, everything here on has been coming back to me in pieces.)

I drive her back to her car and she decides at this point that I’m too drunk to drive home. Fact. (So I can kill us both, but not just myself?) I was in no form to argue, and I could see where things were going. Next thing I know I’m back at her place on the couch and she’s on top of me making out and full on grinding me. Now it gets really good. We’re at her parents’ house. I thought she had an apartment downtown like the rest of us, but she’s from a small town nearby and lives at home. Awesome. She goes to her room and hints for me to come along. Not thinking there will be any repercussions, I oblige. We start hooking up and its completely dark. Frenchie is lacking in experience, but damn did she make up for it full-fold in effort. She was nervous and thought she had no idea what to do, but she was a natural (read: closet freak). Plus she kept asking me how and what I like and wanting me to direct her. It was glorious. As she’s getting ready to go down on me she informs me that she had never swallowed, and was interested to taste mine. As I said earlier, I was in no shape to argue. And I sure as hell didn’t mind her newfound interest in j*zz tasting.

Top five best blow jobs I've ever had and hands down the longest lasting. She did some serious highlight reel work on my cock. Frenchie must have blown me for 40 minutes (the excessive amount of alcohol flowing through my body likely helped my endurance). So we finish and pass out.

About 30 minutes later Frenchie’s mom walks in her room to find her in bed with a random guy, me. They argue and shout as I just lie there pretending to sleep and trying not to laugh. She slams her door shut and crawls back on top of me (chick is ballsy, and probably hates her parents). I decided to be polite and ask if I should leave. She says no and “just be glad my stepdad isn’t here or he’d kick your ass.”

Moral of the Story: The closet freaks that seem like good girls are really just pure talent waiting to be discovered. Now, I’m going to throw up and try to locate some emergen-C.

This next one also comes with a moral attached to it. Because if this column provides anything, it's valuable life lessons that you'll ultimately ignore should you ever find yourself in the same position. 

Let me start this story off by saying that my drunken doppelganger is known to my friends as Captain Ahab, because after I get a couple of drinks in me I don't give a f*uck what I pull. As long as it is conscious, semi-coherent, has two legs and a vagina its game on. But usually I pull the thicker women. (hence the Moby Dick character name.) So here it is.

This story took place on one fateful Friday night two years ago during my Freshman year in college. On this particular night after drinking copious amounts of alcohol and taking part in excessive PDA (yes I was that kid at the party) myself and a chick decide to go back to her dorm room. Now the chick was not a looker by any means, but by my standards she was pretty decent. Sober me would rate her as a 5, her greatest downfall is that she has no chin.

So after walking the long distance back to her room we get there and to my satisfaction she has no roommate. We fool around and do the deed, but the memorable portion of the night was not the hookup (which was sub par) it was what happened after. So we pass out and about 3 hours later I wake up and have to take a massive dump. I don't mean any sh*t I mean the mother of all craps, full on Montezuma's revenge. (I ate Mexican earlier that night.) Being that it was my first time in that particular dorm, I was still sh*tcanned, and my bowels were about to explode I said, "F*ck looking for the bathroom," quickly got up and looked around for something to alleviate myself into. So mere seconds after waking up I stand up, grab the nearest trashcan, and crap my brains out. Throughout this entire time she didn't even stir/wake up. After I’m done I use some Kleenex to clean up then decided it was best that I left. Not moving the trash can at all.

Then I stumbled back to my dorm room to find my buddy past out cold in my bed at 7am. Oddly enough, I come to find out that someone had pissed in my hamper that was full of clean clothes.

Moral of the story: Karma is a bitch.

Forgive me, but wouldn't Karma have taken a sh*t in your laundry and/or mouth? Either way, this next dude digs recreational drugs.

In the spring of my sophomore year we had a frat party. This party was the unofficial celebration of a Greek event we had participated in. The sorority which we were paired with was in full attendance. I had a part in the play, and being the druggie I am I decided to celebrate by taking a whole bunch of real good ecstasy.

So, there was this chick in the sorority whom I met through the various practice sessions we had, and apparently she was real into me. I hadn’t really put in the effort to slam her at this point because well, I’m a lazy bastard. I started by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, soon enough my druggie mind kicked into gear. F*ck it, it’s time to take some E. I throw down a pill then rail a few lines of molly with my boys. Within twenty minutes I’m rolling nuts. At the top of my peak I go lay down on the back patio of the frat house. Some fine b*tches from the sorority come up and ask me while laughing, “What are you doing laying down.” I simply reply, “I am rolling my dick off.” They giggle like the b*tches they are and promptly, to my surprise, start rubbing all up and down my body. I close my eyes. This sensation feels f*cking fantastic. I mean sh*t I’m laying down amid a poppin’ party, and these b*tches just can’t get enough of my sexy ass. After I start to plateau I decide that I need to lay waste to some vag. I scope out the party and find the b*tch that wants this dick. I approach her and since I’m rolling face the game comes easy.

Before I know it we are both in my room, undressed, ready to f*ck. Mind you, at this point I’d never laid rail while rolling so I was pretty ecstatic. For those of who don’t know, you can f*ck for decades on the stuff. I throw her on my bed and we start going to town. I flip her around, tag her front, back, I even f*cked her sideways, and called her Sally. I sh*t you not I f*cked this b*tch for a solid two hours, bareback, and no breaks. I get her to cum, I bust my load, and then we proceed to rejoin the party. I finish the night off by getting drunk as f*ck with a grin on my face all the while, and passing out. 

A few days later I receive a text. It states vaguely, “So I went to the gynecologist today…” My mind starts doing twists and turns. Like, what the f*ck? Does this slut have an STD? If so I will literally sh*t a brick. I text back trying to not sound concerned, “I’m not sure I quite understand you.” She says we should meet up and have lunch. I am so f*cked; this sh*t has to be serious. I meet her to eat and after some small talk I bring up the subject, “So what’s this about the gynecologist?” Her face turns red and she looks at the table as she says embarrassingly, “Well I’ve never had sex that long before and...” she trails off. “…And!?” I reply, getting impatient with her silly ass. “Well, my gynecologist says we had intercourse so long I got a yeast infection.” I can’t hold back, I burst into laughter. Crisis averted, to live another day, and thanks be to Almighty God above.

YEAST!!!! 

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